Vanessa Marin - Sex Talks : The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life

Sex Talks

The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life

Vanessa Marin, LMTF

with Xander Marin

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Copyright 2023 by Vanessa Marin

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First Simon Element hardcover edition February 2023

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Cover illustration by Ben Wiseman

Jacket design by Patrick Sullivan

Author photographs by Tarynne Webb

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.

ISBN 978-1-6680-0001-4

ISBN 978-1-6680-0002-1 (ebook)

Names and identifying characteristics of some individuals have been changed. Some dialogue has been re-created.

This book is dedicated to you, for having the courage to pick it up in the first place.

I DONT EVEN know what to say.

My first couples therapy session was not off to a great start. It had taken a Herculean effort to get my boyfriend, Xander, to agree to come, and to be honest, I wasnt exactly excited to be there, either. Neither one of us wanted to acknowledge the problems we were having in our relationship, and the $200 price tag didnt help. I quickly calculated that every minute I spent stumbling over my words in front of a stranger in her cramped San Francisco office cost four dollars, and I mentally lambasted myself for not figuring out what I wanted to say before the session had started.

I wanted to talk about our sex life. But I couldnt articulate the details of what was happening in our bedroom yet, because I was fixated on how Xander and I had gotten ourselves into such a bad place.

It had all felt so easy in the beginning. The night we met, we spent six entire hours making out, and I could have spent six more. Once we started having sex, it was a daily event (sometimes multiple times a day). Xander would get turned on by watching me stretch my arms over my head. I would get full-body shivers if he wiggled a single eyebrow at me. The chemistry between the two of us had been so undeniable I took it as a crystal-clear sign from the universe that this was my person.

But just a few short years later, everything was different. I couldnt tell you the last time wed made out with even one-tenth the passion of our first night. We werent having much sex, and when we did, it felt vaguely disappointing? I wanted more from Xander, but I couldnt tell you what, exactly, that meant. I found myself feeling increasingly shy around him, like our physical intimacy had morphed from a sexy secret to a shameful one. I turned everything into a clandestine test. Would he notice me if I stepped out of the shower naked and dripping wet? How long would he go without initiating sex if I didnt ask for it first? I used to feel like I had won the soulmate lottery, but in especially lonely, quiet moments, I caught myself wondering if there was someone else out there who might be a better fit.

Although it was a deeply painful experience at the time, theres nothing extraordinary about our story. Its actually a frighteningly common one. Most couples in long-term relationships will tell you that the spark died a long time ago. We almost expect it to happen. Yet we still feel profoundly confused when it does.

Howand why!does sex get so damned complicated? Why is sex so difficult to talk about, even with the person you love? Why was it even necessary for you to pick up this book in the first place?

We asked our Instagram community, What holds you back from talking about sex in your relationship? These are just a handful of the thousands of responses we received:

I dont want to hurt her feelings.

I feel stupid, shy, timid, awkward, and clueless. The whole thing feels taboo.

Having to admit that Ive been faking.

My partner says we shouldnt have to talk about it; it should just happen.

I worry Ill be misunderstood.

I dont want her to feel pressure.

The fear I make up in my head about his possible responses.

Shame.

The time never feels right.

I worry that Im letting her down.

I dont want to make it weird.

Being truly seen.

Not knowing what I want. I only know that I dont want what my partner currently does.

The fear of rejection.

I dont want to seem needy or selfish.

I feel embarrassed, even though my partner is begging me to open up.

I hate being vulnerable.

I feel the need to protect his ego. I dont want to make him feel inadequate.

The fear of being judged.

We just dont.

Perhaps the better question to start with is, Why would we ever think talking about sex would be easy?

Whether from your family, religion, peers, culture, or a delightful combination of the above, you were taught that sex is something to be ashamed about. That there is a specific set of rules you must abide bywith damning consequences if you dont. That sex is something that happens behind closed bedroom doors and is not to be talked about openly.

If you were lucky, the sex education you got took place in a sweaty eighth-grade gymnasium and involved having the bejesus scared out of you about genital warts and teenage pregnancy. No one ever taught you how to politely ask your partner to spank your ass or gently request that they stop rubbing your clitoris like theyre trying to scrub a stain out of their favorite T-shirt. Or what a clitoris even is in the first place.

You almost certainly dont have any positive role models, or even examples. Despite seeing thousands of sex scenes on TV and in the movies (and probably in porn), I bet you cant pinpoint a single instance when the characters actually