Elizabeth Wurtzel - Radical Sanity: Commonsense Advice for Uncommon Women

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ELIZABETH WURTZEL

RADICAL SANITY

Commonsense Advice for Uncommon Women

NEW YORK

DON'T TRY TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EXES

I love the words you wrote to me

But that was bloody yesterday

I can't survive on what you send

Every time you need a friend

BILLY BRAGG

"A New England"

Don't pretend. Don't kid yourself. You knowthat you are just waiting for him to come back, or he is justwaiting for you to give up and give inneither of you reallywants to be friends, because that's not how it works. Someone whois hurting youwhich is usually what goes on when peoplebreak upis by definition not your friend. Ifsomeone was important to you and you want to keep in touch in ageneral way and have coffee and reminisce once every couple ofyears to mark the milestone that this relationship was, that'sfine; go ahead and meet at Dunkin' Donuts, or send a Christmascard, or accept a collect call now and again.

But the myth of friendship with a formerloverwith rare exceptionsis one of the sexualrevolution's most glaring and least noticed bits of chicanery.Whether you've been dumped or done the dumping, why would you wantto make repeated visits to the site of such an emotional car wreck?What is the point of such torture? If you need a friend, go to theanimal shelter and adopt one. But don't mistake "friendship" forfriendship.

Having stridently stated my position, I must retreatslightly and offer a small reprieve. But do beware: Thisproviso applies only to the period immediately following a messybreakup. Because, in all fairness, few of us can live up tothis lofty standard right away, since losing a lover is, of course,also the loss of a dear friend and constant companion. After theinitial split, you are allowed a grace perioddon't let thislast for more than a month or two, depending on how long you werein the couple and how maladjusted the rift leaves youduringwhich there may be some back and forth, some talk of reuniting,and, of course, some nights engaging in the carnal misery ofpostrelationship sex.

Girls, trust me on this one: The worst kind of sex isthe type you have with someone you've just broken up with, becauseit gives false hope and creates much confusion the morning afterabout what it means and what to do. Usually oneor the other of youand in my experience, it is alwayshehas to go to work or has a tennis match scheduled, whichmeans you will be left with that obsessive, mixed-up feeling allday. The only reason this kind of carrying-on is acceptable issimply that it will wear you down so thoroughly that you willeventually fall on your hands and knees and pray for relief fromthis sick situation, and suddenly enough will be enough.

You will realize, with great serenity, that all thisheadless-hen activity has mostly diverted your energy from thejoyous task of getting on with your life.

BE RIGHTEOUSLY INDIGNANT

And when she burns you again

And your phone doesn't ring

Baby it's me

MARY CHAPIN CARPENTER

"Never Had It So Bad"

But use in moderation.

Don't be Paula Jones, don't mistake a trivial bit oftrouble for a big fucking deal. Which is not to say that Ms. Jonesdid not have a right to be all hot and bothered about the way BillClinton allegedly treated her in a hotel hospitality suite somemany years ago. It's just that her lawsuit pretty much defines whatpeople mean when they say, You don't have to make a federalcase out of it. The woman has since been married and hadchildren; her careeror, I should say, heremploymentwas in no way jeopardized by this ten-minuteencounter, however unpleasant. And if it really bothered her somuch, she should have done something about it at the time, notlater on, when he's president and the whole situation is morejuicy. Everyone, including the biggest asshole on earth, deservesdue process. Paula Jones would have received much more sympathyfrom many feministsmyself includedhad she handled hercomplaint in a timely fashion.

Storing up your righteous indignation for eventualtactical use is not playing fair, girls. I know that a buildup ofanger can become a seething and brutal weapon just waiting to bebrandished at the foes that be. But learn to fight like a lady. Agood duel has always been a gentleman's sport, and therefore afavored form of execution; we of the fairer sex should take alesson from that example. Unless you are going to join up in someclass action suit brought by a collective of victims years down theroad, best to neatly face and tidy up life's infractions andinfringements in their right time and place, trying as hard as youcan to be as straightforward and absolute as a gunshot. After youhave settled the scoreor just plain old decided that it isnot worth itit is best to walk on, leaving life's injusticesand inequities behind you.

You have got to be doubly strict about your conducton the more personal front. Because a long time after you haveforgotten about what or who it was that made you so mad, you willremember if you did or didn't comport yourself withdignityand if it's the former, it will stay with you like atrophy on the mantel. On the other hand, if you throw a tantrumthat involves name-calling, dish-throwing, book-burning, waking upthe neighbors, generally disturbing the peace, chasing someone downthe street with a macheteif the matter ends with one or bothof you spending the night in jail, this is just not good.

Here are some simple clues about how to getrighteously indignant with grace. The most important rule is don'tget third parties involved, don't ask friends and go-betweens totransmit messagesthis will do nothing except make the otherperson feel manipulated and make you feel like you're back in sixthgrade. When a man has hurt your feelings, let him know just how badhe's made you feeland stand by it. If you tell someone tofuck off and die, mean itwhich is to say, don't expect himto come crawling back; don't bluff if you're not prepared to haveit called. That's a really important one, because many a foolishyoung woman has dumped her boyfriend as a power play, expecting himto prostrate himself before her feet and beg for forgiveness, onlyto find that he's left so quickly there are skid marks on heranteroom floor, and within two weeks he is seen around town withsome very annoying, statuesque French girl who smokes Gauloises andcalls herself Zaza.

Clearly, this is not the result you hoped for.

Righteous indignation is a liberating, invigoratingemotion that you can only really feel when you are certain that youare right, when you know that you have been wronged. It does notvisit itself upon you very often, so savor it, bury yourself in it,wear its warmth like a shearling coat. Tell your ex-boyfriendbluntly to his face that you are baffled as to how such a lousy laycould have sundered your heart so completely. But think long andhard before you do it. If you don't really mean it, you will comeacross as a desperate, raving lunatic, and not as a woman he oncelovedand possibly still loves: a woman who is now serenelyand resolutely walking out of his door.

THE ONLY WAY TO GET ONE PERSON OFF YOUR MIND IS TOGET ANOTHER ONE ON YOUR BODY

And everytime I scratch my nails on someone else'sback

I hope you feel it

ALANIS MORISSETTE

"You Oughta Know"

Of course, this action could easily backfire, so itis only recommended when you really know what you are doing.

This is a situation where ex-boyfriends in goodstanding can be helpful. But they have to be men you have trulylost interest in. Years ago. You have to pick a man whom you arevaguely and glancingly in touch with (i.e., the one youoccasionally see at Dunkin' Donuts), someone you respect enoughthat his attentions can still make your heart flutter and your bodyshiver just a little bitbut not too much. Not enough thatyou will find yourselfheaven forfend!wanting to getback together with him the next day. Because if you sleep with oneman to get