Cian Smith - The Kamah Sutrah: A Bawstonians Guide to Wicked Good Sex

THE

KAMAH
SUTRAH

THE

KAMAH
SUTRAH

A BAWSTONIANS
GUIDE TO WICKED

GOOD SEX

Copyright 2019 by Cian Smith.

All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television or online reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Publisher.

Published in the United States by Cleis Press, an imprint of Start Midnight, LLC, 101 Hudson Street, Thirty-Seventh Floor, Jersey City, New Jersey 07302.

Printed in the United States.

Cover design: Allyson Fields

Cover illustration: Jennifer Do, Allyson Fields

Text design: Frank Wiedemann

First Edition.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Trade paper ISBN: 978-1-62778-280-7

E-book ISBN: 978-1-62778-281-4

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

For my wife: I hope ah love life will always be wicked sick. I love you.

And for my family: thanks fur always believin in me and my weihd writin. I fuckin love ya.

DISCLAIMAH

Please always practice cawtion and be safe whenevah havin sex or using sex toys. Some of the sex positions and sex toys in this book can seem a little outrageous, and thats because they ah, and thats because Bawstonians ah wicked crazy. You might think something is gross or unsafe, and thats probably because it is. Its a humah book. We urge you to always use ya brain and nevah do or use anything that you think might hahm you. Theah is a populah sayin that an apple a day keeps the doctah away, but if ya choke on an apple, it can kill ya. Nawt that sex positions and toys ah like apples. I mean, I guess you could use an apple as a sex toy, but like, dont. Because that would probably hurt. Besides, wheah or how would you... even? Anyways, just dont take this book too seriously. Please dont sue me. Im just a writah. I have no money.

If ya readin this, it might be fur one of the following reasons: One, ya in a book shawp readin the first page thinkin, Should I even buy this very specific niche book on sex? Im not even from Boston. Two, ya found this book in a yahd sale next to paht one and paht two of James Camerons mastahpiece, Titanic, on VHS. Three, its the yeah 2040 and ya found this book in the rubble of what was once a book shawp and ya like, Meh, what else am I gonna do?

Or four, if ya really smaht, ya bawt this suckah in an attempt to open up ya sexual horizons, exploah ya innahmost sexual desiyahs, and maybe even learn a thing or two frum a wicked smaht Bawstonian such as yours truly.

If its the last thing, then you my friend just bawt yaself an unlimited wealth of knowledge. Ya see, this is moah than just a book on sex. Its a bunch of ancient wisdom on love, relationships, and well yeah, okay, sex. Its been passed down throughout the ages of Bawston, just like Benjamin Franklins venereal diseases.

The Kahmah Sutrah is based awff the Kama Sutra, which is an ancient Hindu text written by Vatsyayana in Sanskrit literacha. The text is considahd to be the standahd work on human sexual behavior, and without that book ya wouldnt have this book. Ya see, the Kahmah Sutrah was written to help Bawstonians undahstand the original Kama Sutra. We translated, interpreted, and updated the original text in ah own way, fur ah own people. Ya see, we Bawstonians are a proud bunch. We only like things frum Bawston. Anything else is weihd or different, you know, like a kid frum Maine. Ya just cant trust em. We Bawstonians know what we like, and what we dont like. We like ah donuts dunked, ah sox red, and ah streets to all be one-ways. You got a problem with how ah streets are all one-ways? Then leave. Ah streets ah fine! Its you who dont know how to use a GPS! But, I digress. What Im tryin to say is, Kahmah Sutrah was made by the people of Bawston fuh the people of Bawston. But hey, if ya nawt frum Bawston and ya wanna keep readin, be my guest! But dont get pissy when ya get none of the references, and just be happy ya didnt pick up a book about Connecticut. Gross.

What does Kahmah Sutrah even mean? Well, Kahmah translates to wicked good sex and Sutrah translates to guide or book. In fact, this book was actually influenced by many othah books on sexual erotica specific to Bawston. One ancient text bein The Three Way Clover: How to Screw in Southie by Tommy Gibbons aka Gibby the Gobbler. He got that nickname because he was the only kid in Southie that could eat a whole turkey himself on Thanksgiving. It was a sight to see fuh shoah.

Anothah text that has influenced this book is A Mouth Full of Meatballs: How to Nob in the North End, written by Maria Luciano. Some say she was called the Holy Mothah Mary because right aftah sex, she would make guys rise again. It was a phenomenon we Bawstonians like to call the Res-erection.

One othah text that nawt every Bawstonian has read, but should, is Takin It in the Back Bay, written by Tiffany Oldmon. Its ahnuhthah classic Bawstonian text about what and what nawt to do when havin sex in the butt. Its a fantastic piece of literacha that covahs the subject on a whole and gets right to the point. Get it? Like... whole as in butt hole and point as in, like, penis. You get it, you get it.

One final piece of Bawstonian sex literacha, that is more of a historic archive, is the Politicians of Pussy, written by the various politicians, both men and women, of Bawston. POP, fuh shawt, was a legendary group of Bawston politicians who had the gift of gab when it came to gabbing about gob. Gob, of coahse, bein one of many Bawston slang words fuh vagina.

All of these historical texts passed down through the yeahs, including this book, serve as a remindah of how sex in Bawston has evolved and continues to evolve. These texts on sex ahnt just boring middle-school sex-ed lessons. They expose the true natcha of what it truly means to be frum Bawston and exploah all of ya deepest and dahkest desiyahs. We are all curious, and thats why ya got this book. Its okay to be curious. Heah, we fostah that type of thinkin and curiosity. Imagine if you were nevah curious? Instead of Curious George, youd just be... George and nobawdy likes people named George. Nawt even guys named George like people named George.

In the Kamah Sutrah, we take one step furthah and talk nawt only about sex, but also dive deep into relationships, attracting othahs to ones self, and the sex specifics in Bawston that ah different frum the rest of the world. Oh, and theahs much, much moah. We even talk about what the futcha has in stoah fuh sex, and we explain what it means to give someone a Bawston Cream Pie.

Absolutely nawt ya big dummy! Theah ah so many othah things in life that ah just as impohtant as sex. The Hindus believed that each person needed to achieve foah life goals, and Kama (desiyah) was only just one of em. The othah three ah Dharma, Artha, and Mok-sha. Dharma is to be knowledgeable in ethics, Artha in wealth, and Moksha in freedom and salvation. Howevah in Bawston, theah are only three life goals you must practice that will lead to you livin a well-balanced life. Cause ya see, life is all about balance, just like ya diet. Except, with life, theah ah no cheat days. So, ya bettah fuhget about ya Weight Watchers subscription, because it aint gonna help ya heah. You gotta get ya life in shape, and this book is gonna help to be ya fitness instructah. The three life goals fur every Bawstonian to achieve balance in ah Loyalty, Pride, and Kahmah.