Francesco Marciuliano - I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats

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Dedicated in loving memory to
Boris and Natasha,
two unforgettable cats
who I had the great fortune
to call family

For thousands of years, cats have strived to express to humans what it means to be feline. They have tried body language, plaintive meowing, even a filmmaking style best described as fallen camera nudged across floor until forgotten or smeared with saliva. And for thousands of years, we humans have witnessed this unending struggle for true emotional and spiritual connection and said, Wook at that wittle furry face! Wook at that wittle furry face! Whos got a wittle furry face? Youve got a wittle furry face! But now, through the power of poetry and a publishing contract, cats everywhere can fully welcome people into their hearts, minds, and souls. Within these very pages, youll find poems penned by cats that reveal their every desire, their every conflict, and their every epiphany. Youll also discover why cats do things like put their whole paw in your glass and then look at you as if youve never had a date over for wine before. Seriously, their whole paw.

Like they think its easy to get cabernet out of orange tabby. In fact, by the time youve finished reading this poetry anthology, youll not only completely understand everything your cat thinks and does but even applaud him for it. Maybe give him a medal. Or throw him a parade in your hallway, making sure to avoid staircases so all the tiny floats dont tumble down. Or you can just sit your cat down, look him straight in the eyes and say, I get it.

FAMILY

Sometimes when I lie on your warm chest And hear your every happy sigh I gaze into your two kind eyes And wonder, Who is that? CAT EPIGRAM

I COULD PEE ON THIS

Her new sweater doesnt smell of me I could pee on that Shes gone out for the day and left her laptop on the counter I could pee on that Her new boyfriend just pushed my head away I could pee on him Shes ignoring me ignoring her I could pee everywhere Shes making up for it by putting me on her lap I could pee on this I could pee on this

I LICK YOUR NOSE

I lick your nose I lick your nose again I drag my claws down your eyelids Oh, youre up? Feed me

CLOSED DOOR

LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME I Oh, uh, hello I did not expect an answer I did not expect an entrance I did not expect this room to be so unbelievably dull So, uh, goodbye

WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?

Why are you screaming? What did I do wrong? Why are you crying? How can I make it right? Would you like it in a different color? Would you like it in a different size? Would you like it in a different room? I just wanted to show my love I just wanted to express my thanks I just wanted to put a dead mouse on your sheets But now you are screaming And I dont know how to make you stop

WHO IS THAT ON YOUR LAP?

Theres another cat in the house A cat Ive never seen A much younger cat You seem to know her name You accidentally called me by her name Right in front of the lamp And my friend the throw pillow Ive never been so humiliated I may never love again

SEPARATION

You can have the CDs, I will take the string You can have the TV, I will take this fuzzy thing You can have the kitchen set, I will take this crumpled foil You can have the car, I will keep this rug I soil You can have the beach house, I will take this tissue box You can have everything, Ooo I want those dirty socks You can go to hell, I will see to that For how dare you come home smelling of another cat?

SOMETHINGS WRONG

Somethings wrong Why are the walls a different color? Somethings not right When did we get these stairs? Somethings off How did the kitchen move across the floor? Somethings going on Who changed all the homes outside? Somethings very odd Why are you mispronouncing Georgia as New York? Something happened When you put me in that carrying case And someday soon I will figure it out

UNBRIDLED LOVE

I knead your chest with my sharp claws To show you my affection I bite your arm and dont let go To show you adoration I walk across your throat at night Because I want to say, Hello! I leap from high upon your crotch Because I miss you so I trip you when you walk down the stairs So you know Im always near I sit on your face and block all your air So my absence you need not fear I show my love in so many ways My devotion runneth over So I dont know why when I approach You duck and run for cover

BROTHERS

They say we are brothers though we look nothing alike They say we are family though we differ so much I am tabby, you are brown I am long, you are short I am thin, you are stout I am lively, you are shy I am a kitten, you are a hamster But kin is kin So let me run on your wheel

O CHRISTMAS TREE

O please O come on 0 like you didnt know What you were getting for Christmas Before I ripped open all your gifts 0 by the way The tree looks better on its side 0 I really do think so

THE LEASH

Dont put that thing around my neck Dont take me out the front door Dont show me off in the park Dont drag me into every store Dont smile when people stop and stare Dont sit outside and talk on the phone Dont walk me all over this damn town Then wonder why youre still alone

SERIOUSLY

Seriously? Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?! If I took YOU to the doctor I would make damn sure You came back with both of them Down there Now if youll excuse me Im going to look forlornly out a window For like eighteen years Eighteen looooooooong years Seriously?!

FOREVER

I could lie by your side for the rest of our lives I think Ill walk away right now I could let you pet me for a hundred years I think we need some time apart I could be kissed a thousand thousand times I think Im needed somewhere else I could sit on your lap forever I said I could sit on your lap

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