Jaclyn Friedman - What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girls Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety

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Table of Contents

PRAISE FOR WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT

Jaclyn Friedman is my new hero. As someone who teaches undergraduates, what I really really want is to hand out complimentary copies of this book to all my women students. But Ill settle for dog-eared copies in every college and university Womens, Gender, and Sexuality Resource Center.

Lyn Mikel Brown, Ed.D., cofounder of SPARK, professor of education and Womens, Gender, and Sexuality Studies, Colby College

Friedmans new guidedetailed, intelligent, and fun as hell to readis a sorely needed addition to any bookshelf. Think of it as the anti-Cosmopolitan: A 21st-century primer on fearlessly discovering and owning your sexuality while staying true to yourself without cutesy gimmicks, absurd tips, and patronizing assumptions.

Anna Holmes, founding editor, Jezebel.com

In a better world, your sexuality would start as a blank canvas where only you painted the picture... and the world in which that painting existed would be free of art critics. Unfortunately, we dont live in that world. The good news is that Friedman has provided a powerful panacea to that world, one that can help you become the master artist of a healthy sex life thats of your own design.

Heather Corinna, executive director, Scarleteen, and author ofS.E.X.

Friedman challenges readers to rethink how they make sense of their bodies, sexuality, and gender, all the while offering an honest take on the risks involved, like sexual assault and STIs. By teaching girls how to become more attuned with their own bodies and sexualities, Friedman doesnt just give readers the tools to say no to social expectations and gender roles, she teaches them how to say yes to their desiresthe very definition of empowerment!

Lena Chen, blogger, SexAndTheIvy.com

For K, C, E, and S

(AN ALTERNATIVE INTRODUCTION IN QUIZ FORM)

IS THIS BOOK FOR ME?

OKAY. SO YOURE INTRIGUED. MAYBE A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS. Something about this book made you want to pick it up and open it, but heythats probably true of a lot of books. I get it.

So lets cut to the chase. Answer the ten questions below to find out if this book is for you. For each question, pick an answer thats closest to whats true for you. If a particular question doesnt relate to your present life, then imagine how you might answer it if it did. Be honestno ones looking!

1. Youre single and youre going to a party where there may be people youd be attracted to. Do you dress sexy?

a. You know it!

b. If Im feeling brave.

c. It depends on what you mean by sexy.

d. Probably not. Id feel too foolish or shy.

e. No way. I dont want to give anyone the wrong impression.

2. Telling someone what you want to do with them (or what you want them to do with you) sexually is:

a. Hot.

b. Scary.

c. A total buzzkill.

d. Something I wish I could do.

e. My favorite way to spend an evening.

3. You do things sexually that feel okay at the time, but you feel bad about it afterward.

a. Often.

b. Never.

c. On rare occasions.

d. Only when Im drunk.

e. Doesnt everybody?

4. You find out that your fifteen-year-old daughter (sister, niece, friend) is thinking of having sex for the first time. You:

a. Panic.

b. Ground her/tell on her.

c. Sit her down for a heart-to-heart to make sure shes really ready and knows how to have safer sex.

d. Sit her down for a stern lecture.

e. All of the above.

5. Youre leaving a party, club, or event late at night. The friends that you came with have all left. Your car is parked several long, dark blocks away. You:

a. Just calmly walk to your car, taking the most lighted path available.

b. Walk to your car as fast as you can, with your keys fanned out between your fingers and your heart pounding.

c. Ask that guy at the party who might have been flirting with you to walk you to your car.

d. Call a cab to take you to your car.

e. You would never let yourself get into that situation in the first place.

6. Women who dress and act like sluts:

a. Worry me. Dont they know the kind of attention theyll attract?

b. Make me angry. They give women a bad name and teach men they can disrespect us. They deserve whatever they get.

c. Are no better or worse than anyone else. Its not my place to judge.

d. Are powerful feminist role models. Rejecting shame about our sexuality is an act of resistance.

e. Are some of my best friends.

7. When it comes to your own sex life, you:

a. Dont have one.

b. Get exactly what you want and are totally satisfied.

c. Wish you could change a few things, but you havent found a way to talk with your partner(s) about what you need.

d. Wish you could change a few things, but when you try to talk with your partner(s) about it, they dont respond the way you want.

e. Youre not really happy with it, but you dont know what you want or how to change it.

8. Men have a harder time controlling themselves sexually and therefore cant be held to the same standards as women.

a. Thats just biologically true.

b. Im really not sure about this one.

c. Thats a load of crap.

d. Thats true in our culture, because of the different ways we raise boys and girls.

e. There may be some biological truth to that, but were not animalsmen should be expected to overcome their biological urges and control themselves.

9. Sexual acts you do (or want to do) make you feel ashamed or bad about yourself.

a. All the time.

b. Only one or two of them, but definitely.

c. A little, maybe.

d. Never.

e. Almost never, but every once in a while it sneaks up on me.

10. Your friends and family share your values about sex and sexuality.

a. Yes.

b. My friends do, but my family really doesnt get it.

c. I have no idea. I dont talk about sex with my friends or family, and they dont talk about it with me.

d. Uh, no. They think Im a total slut/prude/freak/weirdo/ etc.

e. Not yet, but Im working on them.

Score Yourself

Were going to score this quiz a little differently than you may be used to. Instead of assigning a value to each answer, use the following as a guideline:

If you wished any of your answers could be different than they are, this book is for you.

If you exaggerated any of your answers in order to seem more sexually liberated/empowered/accomplished than you are, or for any other reason, this book is for you.

If fear (possibly very valid fear) influenced any of your answers, this book is for you.

If any of your answers reflected embarrassment or shame about sexual expression, this book is for you.

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