Alan Downs - The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World

Table of Contents

What a great book! I felt as if a window had been opened to the hearts of so many people I have known and loved in my life.Joey

As I read [The Velvet Rage], I kept bumping into myself and, hopefully, my former self.... I felt that [this book was] talking specifically to me and Im sure all gay readers will have the same reaction.Thomas

Alan Downs has opened the door to the heart of every gay friend I have ever known. As a 76-year-old straight woman, for the first time I feel I have a better understanding of the gay life. Anyone who has ever dealt with or is dealing with shame will benefit from this book.Katherine

This isnt just a social commentary or self-help book aimed at a minority population. Every reader will learn from a journey through cultural values about human flaws and perfection to arrive at a place where real and authentic human hope may be found.Karen

My partner and I have read [The Velvet Rage] twice, and I really think it has changed our lives. Sometimes, well read a page or two to each other out loud just to remind us of what weve learned.John

The Velvet Rage is a book that will help so many people, those who are gay and those who are not. I admire [the authors] ability to write in a casual style that reads with depth, warmth, and humanity.Jeff

This book should be a must read for any gay man who is committed to becoming his absolute best self in an increasingly crazy world.Steven

[Dr. Downs] hasnt pathologized homosexuality. Hes described, with eloquence and intelligence, the natural consequences of what amounts to soul murder.Barbara

This book offers a human perspective on how American culture affects gay men in the twenty-first century. As a clinical social worker, I was moved by the vulnerability Downs allows himself by sharing some of his own life story, ideas, and experiences.Beth

Dedicated to
Blake Hunter and Bob Ward
May I grow as young in spirit, as wise in life,
and as steadfast in love as you.

Its now late August and another summer is quickly slipping away. Im sitting on the patio in front of the weather-worn, shingle-clad cottage that my good friend, Randy, has rented for the summer in Provincetown, Massachusetts, where every summer evening he gives an entertainingly realistic performance as Cher to eager sun-drenched and alcohol-infused crowds. As the noon sun is peaking just overhead now, my heart is full of gratitude, for Ive been so lucky in life. Good friends, work that I love and am passionate about, andnot the leastI am alive. Next year I will cross the half-century mark, and my mind wanders back through all those winding corridors of years in San Francisco, New Orleans, Key West, and New York. I remember all those beautiful masculine faces that grace the walls of my memory. Some didnt survive the AIDS crisis, and countless others didnt survive the angst of knowing they wouldnt die, that HIV was a chronic, manageable illness, and so they dove deep into the darkness of crystal meth, alcohol, and the like, dancing their way into the arms of death. Just last night came word to Randy that yet another old friend had drunk himself out of existence. I, like so many gay men, have savored the highs and trudged through the lowest of lows in lifeand we are truly fortunate to have survived when so many others did not. At moments like this, when I glance backward and feel the tide of life and memory rushing forward, I am torn between gratitude for what was given and longing for what was lost.

Dancing through the night last night, my heart was full of joy. Randy and I were joined by a delicious assortment of men of all varieties. There was Paul, who as the minister of one of the largest Unity Churches in America is fundamentally changing the way that denominationas well as many othersaccept and embrace gay men. At one point in the evening, we encountered a handsome man who described himself to me as a writer, and despite my misinterpretation of Randys raised eyebrows, I sipped my drink and casually asked what he had written, only to discover to my embarrassment that the man who stood before me was one of my most revered writers. His novel The Hours has never ceased to inspire me to dig deeper as a writer, and maybe one day, I might write something so truly touching, raw, and authentic. It was a night of bliss that ended with all of us sitting on the curb, eating pizza and basking in the warm ocean breeze that caresses the streets and whisks away the cares of all those who travel those centuries-old cobbled paths, which were initially tread by the Pilgrims on their voyage to freedom and acceptance.

It is here, in this dialectical paradox, suspended between joy and tragedy, freedom and shame-induced bondage, great talent and squandered existence, that The Velvet Rage lives. As gay men, we have been anything but ordinary and predictable. Everywhere you turn, and no matter what age, station in life, and economic status, the lives of gay men of all shapes and sizes contain this polar mix of pain and ecstasy. Our problems and successes in life are truly no different than any other mans, and yet we are uniquely identifiable in our waysthere is no mistaking gay culture when you see it. We are in no way more pathological or deviant than any other man who has walked this planet, present or past. And yet, we are clearly different. When you love a man, it fundamentally changes youand we have all been shaped by our love of men; the heavy caress of his hand, the brush of the hair on his forearm, and the powerful kiss that at once dominates and deconstructs our defenses. These things enliven our days and fuel our dreams.

In the years since The Velvet Rage was originally published, so many men have been generous with me and shared their stories and struggle with shame. It is the concept of shame, in fact, that has enlightened so many of their lives. Prior to reading the book, they felt they had long ago been done with the ravages of shame over their sexual orientation. Some actually have no memory of feeling shame over being gaythey marched out of the closet at a young age and never looked back. It is here, at this point, that a truly life-changing insight emerges. Most of us have not felt the emotion of shame for many yearssince we first came to terms with being gay. For the majority of gay men who are out of the closet, shame is no longer felt. What was once a feeling has become something deeper and more sinister in our psychesit is a deeply and rigidly held belief in our own unworthiness for love. We were taught by the experience of shame during those tender and formative years of adolescence that there was something about us that was flawed, in essence unlovable, and that we must go about the business of making ourselves lovable if we are to survive. We were hungry for love, and our very existence depended upon it, as the British psychiatrist R. D. Laing noted: Whether life is worth living depends on whether there is love in life. The lesson of that early, crippling shame was imprinted on our lives.