Rupp Richard - What wives wish their husbands knew about sex : a guide for Christian men

A G U I D E for C H R I S T I A N M E N

RYAN HOWES, PHA, RICHARD Rupp, MFT

STEPHEN W. SIbMPSON, PHD

For Jennifer,Jhona, and Shelley

... 9

Part One Knowing Truth

Part Two Knowing Yourself

Part Three Knowing Love

Part Four Knowing and Growing

our women sit in a restaurant talking about their love lives. It could be a scene out of Sex and the City or any soap opera. Three of the women complain about their boyfriends, lamenting their shortcomings and dreaming of something better. The fourth woman, who has been sitting quietly with a smile on her face, speaks up and tells the others about her fiance. He's a devoted Christian, she says, and the other women nearly drop their forks. "You are sooo lucky," says one." How did you get a Christian man?" Then another woman says what the rest are thinking: "Everybody knows that Christian men are the greatest lovers in the world. I wish I had one:'

A true story? If not, it should be. Two thousand years after the greatest Lover in history walked the earth, it's way past time that Christian men had such a reputation. If the hallmark of the Christian life is love, then Christian men should be renowned as the best lovers in the world. With Jesus as our example, along with the wisdom of the Bible on sex and love, Christian men have a unique advantage in knowing how to love. If you know Christ, then you already have the key to being a great lover. Knowing Christ frees a man to experience amazing love and incredible sex with his wife. The truth is, it's not just what you know about sex and love, it's Who you know.

So what happened? Although God intended Christian men to be the best lovers in the world, they don't have that reputation, and most never think of God having anything to do with sex. They don't know what their wives wish they knew-that being great in bed is part of being a great man. The only way to become a great lover is to become the man God intended you to become. After that, the rest is easy.

In our counseling practices, we see too many men in bondage to their sexuality. We see too many single men hiding their sexual nature under a bushel instead of letting it shine on a hill. They feel nothing but shame and regret about their God-given sexual desires. At the other extreme, we see men so consumed with lust that they don't know how to have a relationship with a woman, including a sexual one. Our goal is to set men free to love with passion and do it forever in marriage. The Bible says, "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Cor. 3:17). This freedom includes your sexuality. So why have Christian men experienced feelings of bondage and desperation in their sexual lives?

Most Christian men have a ball and chain locked around each ankle. One was slapped on by the Puritans and the other by the pornographers. The Puritan chain on your right ankle demands that male sexuality look more like the asexuality of angels-you shouldn't kiss a woman until your wedding, you shouldn't turn your head if a gorgeous woman walks by, and you shouldn't talk freely about sex with your wife. Tied up with all these shoulds and shouldn'ts, a man can feel like castrating himself, because the daily guilt is too much to bear.

The pornographers have an equally oppressive chain wrapped around your other leg. This chain also comes with some shoulds and shouldn'ts. You should only look at women as sex objects. You should never get tangled up in a committed relationship with a woman for the rest of your life. You should be totally uninhibited by shame or morality. And fidelity? That's for prudes and losers.

Puritanism and pornography have something in common. They make men cowards. Puritan sexuality makes a man about as passionate and as sertive as a wet Chihuahua. Pornography encourages a man to avoid taking a risk on a real relationship. It makes a man terrified of being dependent or "trapped" in a relationship. He remains forever a boy and never a man.

It's time to break free and become the sexual man God created you to be. For Christian men, sex and love are meant to be partners. When you have one without the other, your marriage will be boring. We want this book to help you bring sex and love together. Great lovers see no separation between sex and love. But to become a great lover, you have to be free-free from the Puritans and pornographers, from legalism and recklessness, from repression and exhibitionism.

This book will explore three sources of wisdom intended to set you free and make you the world's greatest lover. First, we'll turn to the Word of God. Some things in the Bible-like poetry about oral sex (see Song of Songs 4:16-5:1)-might surprise you. In the Bible we find eroticism done right instead of the cheap imitations coughed up by the pornographic posers. This is our chance to reclaim eroticism and learn what is really sexy from the Creator of sex.

We'll also draw on scientific research and lessons we've learned from working with hundreds of men in therapy. We'll explore the myths that keep men in bondage and shame and offer biblical truths that can set you free to love anew. We will also discuss common sexual problems and offer practical solutions.

Lastly, we speak to you man to man. Proverbs 27:17 says that one man sharpens another like iron sharpens iron, so we speak to you not only as therapists but also as guys who are trying to love their wives. We examined our own sexual lives while writing this book, just as we hope you'll examine yours while reading it. We'll tell you about some of our mistakes and the things that helped us love our wives better. We want to be great lovers for our wives, trying to practice what we preach.

So what do women wish their men knew about sex? The reality is that women and men actually wish for the same thing. We both wish for intimacy, lifelong love, trust, respect, fun, and romance. We both want hot, mind-blowing sex. The only challenge is that we approach these wishes from different angles. With God in your heart and a little extra knowledge in your head, you'll be able to overcome this challenge and make your wife's wishes as well as your wishes come true. This is what we'll explore to make that happen:

1. The naked truth about God and sex. If you're going to experience the fullness of your sexuality and lovemaking with your wife, you must embrace God's joy over your sexuality and reject notions that it is inherently sinful.

2. How to be a man. Christian manhood starts with leaving boyhood, so we'll help you find the keys to drive off into yours. Great lovers have to be great men first, so we'll explore crucial elements of the masculine identity.