Jim Daly - The Best Advice I Ever Got on Marriage: Transforming Insights from Respected Husbands & Wives

Dr. Greg Smalley

T he greatest marriage advice I've ever heard came from one of the most unlikely places: Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Remember the CBS television show back in the 1990s about a female doctor in the Old West played by actress Jane Seymour? Once the show ended, Seymour developed a jewelry line with Kay Jewelers called the Open Hearts collection. The fascinating part is the sloganwhich I think is the best advice ever for cultivating a thriving marriage: If your heart is open, love will always find its way in.

Just as Dr. Quinn understood, an open heart is the fundamental prerequisite for a great marriage. Yet many of us struggle to keep our hearts open because openness can feel risky and dangerous. Marriage specialists Arch Hart and Sharon Hart Morris put it this way:

When a husband and wife love each other, they literally give their hearts to each other for safekeeping. This is such a delicate, trusting act that any violation or injury of this trust can cause the most painful of reactions.

Imagine taking the very essence of your beingyour heartand placing it in the hands of your spouse. Your heart becomes your mate's to care for, safeguard, cherish, and love. Placing your heart in the hands of another is a giant step of faith. Afterward, you can only wait to see what your spouse will do with your heart. Your desire, of course, is that your spouse will be a safe haven for your heart. And that is your spouse's longing as well.

In your quest to have a thriving marriage, I want to encourage you to make your marriage the safest place possible for your spouse.

Why should this be a top priority? Because to get what you want in your marriagefun, passion, friendship, love, respect, intimacy, deep connectioneach heart must be open to the other. This is the meaning behind the slogan Open your heart and love will always find its way in. Love will always find its way in because God's love is everywhere (Psalm 119:64). And God's love will flow through your heart to your spouse's when both are open. But a heart will only open up when the relationship feels safe. Therefore, make it your goal to create a marriage that feels like the safest place on earth.

THE SAFEST PLACE ON EARTH

The only way you can intertwine two hearts and become one is when both of you feel emotionally safe. The good news is that you can create a safe atmosphere in your marriage that will allow and encourage both people to open their hearts. But the focus must be on creating safety.

Jesus warned against hardening hearts when He commented on divorce: Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard (Matthew 19:8). A closed and hardened heart is the real destroyer of relationshipsand therefore something to prevent at all cost. On the other hand, a safe marriage allows both husband and wife to open up and reveal their deepest feelings, thoughts, beliefs, hopes, and dreams. That's true intimacy!

Creating safety isn't a psychobabble phrase. In fact, it's something that our heavenly Father already does for us: The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe (Proverbs 18:10). Isn't it amazing the God of this universe goes out of His way to make us feel safe? He wants our hearts to be open, and hearts open when they feel safe. I want to model my marriage after what God does with me.

So what's the key to creating a marriage that feels like the safest place on earth? The answer is well illustrated by something that happened in my own family.

One morning, we were frantically getting ready to go on a vacation to Disney World. I thought everyone was finally in the car, and every conceivable space was packed with luggage. But then I noticed that Maddy, my middle daughter who was around three at the time, wasn't in her car seat. Instead, she was in the house desperately searching for Gracie, her favorite Beanie Baby. The little yellow praying bunny was her most valuable possession. Maddy never went anywhere without Gracie.

After Maddy located Gracie, she came running out to the car. Oh no! I thought, Maddy is going to lose Gracie, and I don't want to spend all my vacation time traipsing around a mall looking for a replacement! So as my precious daughter ran toward me, I only had a few seconds to concoct a plan so clever that it would convince Maddy to leave Gracie home.

Maddy, hold on, I began tentatively. Actually, Daddy needs you to leave Gracie home.

Maddy blankly stared at me as I continued explaining my brilliant plan. We need someone to watch the house, I said. So why don't you put Gracie back in your bed, and she can take care of the house?

No! Maddy shot back. Barry Wonderful will watch the house. Gracie is coming with us!

Barry Wonderful? I thought. Who the heck is Barry Wonderful?

My wife, Erin, could see my confusion. You know Barry Wonderful, honey, she said, smiling sarcastically as she explained. The stuffed Saint Bernard dog you bought Maddy that sings the extremely annoying Barry White songs you thought was so cute!