Satran - How Not to Act Old: 185 Ways to Pass for Phat, Sick, Hot, Dope, Awesome, or at Least Not Totally Lame

185 Ways to Pass for Phat, Sick, Hot, Dope, Awesome, or at Least Not Totally Lame

For my father
Joe Redmond
forever ageless

Slang is basically a shorthand way to let other people know how old you are. The problem is it doesnt work as simply and directly as you might think.

Using too-young slang, for instance, can very easily backfire and make you seem older, not younger, than you are. Its akin to wearing a yellow miniskirt or driving a Zipcar; youre trying too hard to be comfortable with something that was obviously minted by and for a generation that came way after yours.

The word awesome is a prime example. Few people over the age of forty can say awesome in what sounds like their native tongue. For the most part, if youre older than forty, dont even attempt to say anything more modern than cool.

Of course, you also dont want to swing too far the other way and use outmoded words like keen, neat, or smart.

It goes without saying that you must avoid such adolescent and hipster lingo as phat , fierce , and dope . Even typing those words makes me feel a little sick, and I mean that in the old-fashioned, barfy sense of the word.

It may, however, be possible to successfully straddle the young-old slang divide and come up with something both cool and age-free by using outmoded words with confidence and irony. Groovy!

What? you ask. Whats the problem with my watch? Ohhhh, maybe its that Im not supposed to wear something so expensive strapped around my wrist. I guess thats the thing that makes me look old, bourgeois, and overly self-satisfied.

Well, yeah, except thats not really the problem. The problem is wearing any watch at all. The young do not wear watches. In fact, a naked wrist has become as emblematic of youth as ungray hair and a perky butt.

Young people use their cell phones to tell the time, and if you want to seem young, you should, too. Just remember to flip your phone open or light it up with one hand, and to use your thumbnot your index fingerto do whatever it is you need to do. And try to make out the numbers without having to put on your glasses.

Listen, you can have all the work in the world done. You can get Botoxed and Restalyned till youre smooth as a balloon; you can have your boobs lifted to your chin and your tummy tucked into your backbone.

But if you dont wax down there, anybody who gets close enoughand that includes the entire locker room at the gymis going to know youre old.

Waxing is one of the major differences between young and older women. We came of age feeling it was sacrilegious to so much as pluck one hair; they decided to shear most of it off. And even when we thought maybe wed surprise our husbands for our twentieth anniversary, we were nervous. We saw The 40-Year-Old Virgin , after all. We knew it was going to hurt, plus be embarrassing, plus who knew what kind of diseases we might pick up.

If youre a Waxing Virgin, dont be afraid. Its not that bad. And the alternative is even worse: old below the belt.

1. The waxer will be waaaay more comfortable than you. After all, shes done this lots of time before.
2. While its not strictly necessary to trim your pubic hair before you get waxed, waxing is easier if the hair is shorter to begin with, so you may want to get a head start.
3. If youre getting an American wax which is just a basic cleanupyou can leave your panties on. The waxer may twist and/or knot them to leave the sides of your groin area exposed for waxing.