Daniel S. Lobel - When Your Daughter Has BPD: Essential Skills to Help Families Manage Borderline Personality Disorder

Daniel S. Lobel nails it. In clear language, he vividly depicts the struggles a family undergoes when a daughter has borderline personality disorder (BPD). Do not think drug treatments alone will suffice, or that a magical moment will change everything. What Lobel makes transparent is how necessary sound psychology is and how, properly applied, we now know enough to expect a happy outcome. Do not be intimidated by psychiatry or your daughter. This book masterfully lays out how to proceed and what is necessary to grasp.

Arnold Wilson, PhD, training and supervising psychoanalyst at the Institute for Psychoanalytic Training and Research (IPTAR), and lecturer in psychiatry at Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons

Daniel S. Lobel has crafted a practical guide to help parents deal with an illness that is extremely difficult to treat. He offers realistic, positive, and compassionate suggestions to maximize success in parenting a daughter with BPD, and addresses not only her struggles but those of the parents and family as well. It is a valuable tool for those of us who are trying to understand the challenges we face.

Parent

If your childwhether young or grownsuffers from BPD, you are suffering as well. Thats because this problem affects the entire family, and requires specialized parenting skills. Using case examples and an easy-to-understand approach, Daniel S. Lobel has produced a handbook that can change countless lives.

Publishers Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright 2017 by Daniel S. Lobel

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Shoup

Acquired by Jess OBrien

Edited by Rona Bernstein

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Lobel, Daniel S., author.

Title: When your daughter has BPD : essential skills to help families manage borderline personality disorder / Daniel S. Lobel, PhD.

Description: Oakland, CA : New Harbinger Publications, Inc., [2017] | Includes bibliographical references.

Identifiers: LCCN 2017045792 (print) | LCCN 2017048446 (ebook) | ISBN 9781626259577 (PDF e-book) | ISBN 9781626259584 (ePub) | ISBN 9781626259560 (paperback)

Subjects: LCSH: Borderline personality disorder in children--Popular works. | Child rearing--Popular works. | Self-care, Health. | BISAC: SELF-HELP / Mood Disorders. | FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Parenting / General.

Classification: LCC RJ506.B65 (ebook) | LCC RJ506.B65 L63 2017 (print) | DDC 618.92/85852--dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017045792

Mark R. Banschick, MD, child and adolescent psychiatrist and author of The Intelligent Divorce

Parenting a child with borderline personality disorder (BPD) presents challenges well beyond the scope of typical parenting. Standard parenting techniques often backfire, leading parents to feel that their child and their family life are out of control. Families of a child with BPD experience tremendous conflict and hostility, resulting in the parents feeling ineffective while the child suffers and her functioning steadily deteriorates. BPD impacts the entire family, sometimes leading to disintegration of the family structure as all family members come to avoid, and perhaps even loathe, spending time together due to the perpetual discord. Although many parents reading this book will have already sought professional help and may have been told that their child has signs of BPD, others may be seeking information and guidance for the first time. This book will offer essential parenting techniques that, if used consistently, will restore control of the family to you, help your child with BPD improve her quality of life, and reenable your family unit to provide satisfaction and security to all of its members.

This book is written for the parents of daughters with BPDthose who are at their breaking point and those who are approaching it. While BPD is rarely diagnosed in children, the patterns of BPD often begin in childhood. This book will help you identify the early signs of BPD and differentiate these behaviors from those of typical children. This is particularly difficult with adolescents due to several factors. One difficulty in diagnosing BPD in teenagers is that their personalities are not yet fully formed as they are still in a phase of significant brain development. Another difficulty is that these adolescents often have other coexisting conditions including mood disorders, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, and substance abuse that complicate the diagnosis.

Borderline personality disorder is defined as a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts (American Psychiatric Association [APA] 2013, 663). This means that the BPD causes the individual to experience instability in almost all areas of functioning including perception, mood, behavior, and relationships. These symptoms often show improvement with treatment (APA 2013).

In this book I will describe different forms of impairment that occur to children and families dealing with BPD utilizing dialogue, illustrations, and case studies compiled from my many years of clinical practice. I will describe essential parenting techniques that will stop the detrimental effects of BPD on your child and your family. This book will allow you to gain a better understanding of specific interpersonal behavior patterns that cause pain and dysfunction to your daughter and your family and help you to understand why conventional parenting techniques are not effectiveand can sometimes be counterproductive.

Following is a brief overview of how this book is organized. In chapter 1 Ill discuss the behavior patterns and symptoms associated with BPD and how they affect your childs functioning. Then in chapter 2 Ill discuss in detail how the illness causes your daughter to be hurtful to those closest to her. Once weve explored the effects of BPD on your daughter and your family, well turn to effective methods to restore healthy functioning to your family. In chapter 3 Ill present a primer of basic parenting skills that you will need to apply, after which Ill describe a three-step restorative process in chapters 4 through 6. The first step offers techniques to help you stop the bleeding. These techniques facilitate setting interpersonal boundaries that allow for healthy interaction while preventing hurtful exchanges between family members. Step 2 focuses on patterns of enabling and codependency that are often pervasive in affected families and offers specific techniques to transform these into parenting patterns that are successful with children with BPD. Step 3 involves the processes of healing and forgiveness. The essential parenting techniques presented throughout this book will guide you toward creating a new family structure that supports healthy functioning and protects new boundaries; this new family structure is the focus of chapter 7. Its also important for you to be aware of realistic limitations on how parents can and cannot help their child affected with BPD, which will be covered in chapters 8 and 9. Finally, chapter 10 will address transgenerational effects of BPD.