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Interior and Cover Designer: Erin Yeung
Art Producer: Sara Feinstein
Editor: Crystal Nero
Production Editor: Matthew Burnett
Illustrations Veris Studio/Creative Market; other illustrations used under license from Shutterstock.com, p..
courtesy of Katie Snyder.
ISBN: Print 978-1-64739-806-4 | eBook 978-1-64739-481-3
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This book is dedicated to those who care for everything and everyone else, but often forget or dont know how to be compassionate with themselves.
Contents
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Hi, Im Joy, and Im a recovering perfectionist. I spent much of my life trying to follow all the rules and do everything right. Im a natural people pleaser, and I was a good student growing up, which meant I learned that if I did things the right way, it would go well for me and Id avoid conflict. In the process, I used self-criticism to protect myself against suffering. I believed beating myself up would motivate me so I wouldnt become a total failure.
That approach served me well for a time, or so it seemed. I did well academically, eventually becoming a social worker and psychotherapist. However, the more time passed, the more difficult it became to determine the right or perfect thing to do, especially in a field as complex and nuanced as mental health. The rules and systems I had followed so religiously were failing my clients and me and didnt seem to be leading me down the path I expected. I felt exhausted and considered leaving the profession altogether.
To work through the burnout and create a sustainable approach to my work, I had to learn that my belief that I could single-handedly change such a system was unrealistic. My perfectionism was also unhelpful, to myself and my clients. In my one-on-one work with clients, I began to learn that I was meant to simply walk with folks through their pain and struggles, gently reminding them what work was their responsibility and what work was not theirs to carry (such as tending to others emotions or emotionally taking on the responsibility of changing systemic issues by themselves).
This was a discovery I only could have made through the deep inner work that self-compassion made possible.
What has self-compassion given me? It has allowed me room to breathe and to be myself. It has given me permission to build a life worth living thats my own, rather than one thats based on what everyone else thinks I should do. Self-compassion allows me to be a therapist who partners with my clients on their journey, letting go of the responsibility of trying to remove every roadblock. I can provide support, strategies, tools, plans, referrals, and advocacy, but I dont need to do it all myself. Instead, I can just be with my clients. Im learning to be present for myself and those I love most. Im still working on it, but my self-critical voice is growing softer and softer.
While writing this book, Ive used the very tools laid out here for you. As I began writing, my self-critical voice told me, Youre actually not a great writer. Everyone will see that. How could you think that was a good way to put a sentence together? This is too hard for you. You might as well give up now. That voice had kept me from writing in the past, despite the fact that Ive always enjoyed and valued it. But now, I have new tools and new ways of moving through that thinking.
I have seen a lot in my 10 years working in mental health. Ive worked in psychiatric facilities, 24/7 counseling call centers, outpatient clinics, and clients homes, and now I run my own private practice. I have yet to meet a client or friend who hasnt been hurt by deeply internalized self-criticism or been helped by learning a little self-compassion.
You may be concerned that self-compassion is silly or fluffy or just not for you. I get that. Ive been there and had those thoughts. I was skeptical, too, when I first started to learn about self-compassion. Im not someone who grew up believing in or even knowing much about things like mindfulness and inner work. But the more I learned and began to use these tools in my daily life, the more I saw their benefits.