Munn Olivia - Suck It, Wonder Woman!: The Misadventures of a Hollywood Geek

suck it, wonder woman!

The Misadventures of a Hollywood Geek

Olivia Munn
with Mac Montandon

St. Martins Press New York

Im dedicating this book to everyone whos ever been mean to me. From family members to girls at school to boyfriends who cheated on me. If you werent such jerks, I never wouldve developed such a tough skin to handle Hollywood and be where Im at today.

So, thanks for being such assholes!
I wouldnt have a book deal without you! Cheers!

table of contents

introduction

Yeah, so I wrote a book. I know everyone thinks they have a book in them and that one day they will totally write it and it will be great, but thats not true. For one thing, writing a book is hard as shit. And writing a book that is interesting and entertaining is doubly hard as shit. Pluswhos to say if anyone will give two shits? Ya know?

Now, Im not saying Im so great and so interesting, Im just saying I wrote this book. Tough to argue with that! And while I generally worry that I might be doing a terrible job on stuff and am more likely to suck than to rule when I first try any given thing, I have to say, I gave this book my best shot, with absolute honesty. I hope you agree, but if you dont, thats cool. Ill try better the next time!

Im not sure many people know that I had a fairly unusual childhood and upbringing. It was the sort of childhood that makes you either desperate and suicidal, or makes you see the humor in almost every situation. I chose laughs.

My moms parents were Chinese but they moved to Vietnam before she was born. She had eight siblings and my grandfather had a successful bricklaying business. During the Vietnam war, my grandfather was able to pay off the Communists to help his family escape to America. My grandmother and her nine children took a boat to the Philippines and then a plane ride to Oklahoma. Why Oklahoma? Because the only American they knew was a man named Gary, who lived in Oklahoma and offered to help them out any way he could. (Oh, Fun Fact about Gary? This is so crazy. I knew him my whole life and he was like an uncle. A few years ago, there was a really bad winter in Oklahoma, and a lot of homes were damaged. So instead of waiting for insurance to come out and assess his damage, 60-something-year-old Gary climbs onto his roof, steps on his skylight, falls through and is speared by all the falling glass. He lies there dead for a couple of days before anyone finds him. I know! So crazy. All these years, I bet he never thought hed go out like that. That was an awesome story, youre welcome. But back to this book!) So my mom and her family moved to Oklahoma in the 1970s to attend good schools. Good, Christian schools in Oklahoma.

Now, theres something I should clarify to all you non-Asians reading this. There are two types of Asians. The ones who are quiet, polite, organized and laugh with their hand over their mouths. And then there are the other Asiansthe really loud, insane messy ones who hit their kids and yell even when theyre just talking about the weather. My family is comprised of loud-ass Asians. The men have serious aversions to shirt wearingits like their bodies literally will not allow their hands to go above their head to put on a shirt. Its amazing. And the women scream, hit their kids, and address all white people as Hey, lady!Hey, you!Hey, lady!Hey, you!

You know the Joy Luck Club ? The women in my family should form a new clubThe Oh Shit You Some Crazy Asian Lady Club.

I mean that in a nice way and wouldnt want to change them at all. The truth is that as crazy as they can be, they are also wonderful and loving peopleso wonderful, infact, that they probably wont kill me for everything I am about to say and for my riffing on their foibles.

Ill just run it down for you: One aunt has a daughter who is an ex-beauty queen and a son who lived in his room for three years as a shut-in. Like, he wouldnt come out ever. He was just in there, not talking to anyone, playing World of Warcraft or whatever. He had my aunts credit card to order food to live on. My mom once asked my aunt how she knew he was even alive, and my aunt answered that sometimes she would see a light go on or off. That was her only sign of life, or so she speculates, a light switch. Eventually she lured him out and drove him to MY MOMS house in Oklahoma and told my mom to deal with him. It was crazy! I dont think the treatment took, as he stayed with my mom for a year before going back home because he refused to go to school or say please or thank you or benormal.

This same auntfun thing about herIm pretty sure is a hoarder. She once bought like thousands of dollars worth of rice cookers because they were on sale. She cant control herself around a good deal. Or a bad one. She once bought out a store of its swing gliders and made everyone in the family throw away their beds to sleep on their very own, individual swing glider.

Another aunt married a guy who makes decent money, so now there is nothing for her to do but go to the gym and take long showers there. Why? I think she does that to save money. In the past, when she came to my moms house for dinner, she brought a plastic bag and took fruits and vegetables my mom just bought. According to family lore, she hides food under her bed so her kids wont find it. The good food. The other food she keeps in the fridge for her kids to eat. What kind of food, you ask? Like, spaghetti with tuna fish, marinara sauce and carrotsall in one big pot. That way they dont have to eat her good food and she doesnt have to cook for a week. When her kids were young she found a way to make cash off of them. She offered to pay them for chores but when they didnt do them to her satisfaction she deducted the amount from the ledger, so at the end the month her kids would owe her! All kidding aside, I have to hand it to her; that would be kind of a genius financial strategy. She might have a future at Goldman Sachs.

One aunt dresses in short shorts, hot pants and tank tops because shes desperate to look young. One day she decided she wanted to change her name to Britney. Yes, just like Britney Spears. Call me Brit-UH-Knee, she told everyone at the gym. Call me Brit-UH-Knee, because I Brit-UH-Knee Spears, okay? Once one of her gym buddies called the house asking for Britney and her husband slammed down the phone. Hey, my aunt pleaded. Hey, that was my friend. Let me talk to my friend. You tell them I am Brit-UH-Knee.

Then theres the Doc. The Doc is my aunt who is a successful radiologist. And thats another thing about my familythey all possess the clichd Asian drive to succeed, so they all are super-educated and some of them have done really well in their chosen professions. A few of them are doctors and engineers. Doc is so talented she even taught her cats to pee on the toilet.