Greenburg - How to make yourself miserable : another vital training manual

Greenburg, Dan

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HOW TO

MAKE

YOURSELF

MISERABLEr

$2.95

Avital training manualby Dan Grcenburg with Marcia Jacobs

"The ultimate in self-demoralizing manuals...full of hilarity.-McCa/Zs

Digitized by the Internet Archivein 2010

http://www.archive.org/details/howtoniakeyourselOOgree

HOWTO

MAKE

VDURSOf

MISERABLE

What This Book Will Teach You

Introduction (Page 1)SECTION I: METHODS TO MISERY ALONE (Page3)

Chapter 1: Basics of Self-Torture (Page 3)

A. Why You Need to Be Miserable (page 3)

B. How to Create a First-Class Anxiety ( page 5)

1. How to Select a 3-Dimensional Worry ( page 5 >

2. The Power of Negative Thinking (page 7 )

3. How to Mellow Your Worry (page 12)

4. Worries into Anxieties (page 12)

5. Exercise in Anxiety (page 14)

6. Quiz (PAGE 16)

Chapter 2: Seven Classic Misery-Making Situations (Page 18)

A. Situation #1: Basic Worries About Noises in the Night

(PAGE 18)

B. Situation #2: Basic Worries About Giving and Receiving

Gifts (PAGE 20)

C. Situation #3: Basic Worries About Waiting (page 21 i

D. Situation #4: Basic Worries About Vacations (page 22)

E. Situation #5: Basic Worries About Dinner Parties ( page 25)

F. Situation #6' Basic Worries About Minor Infractions of the

Law (PAGE 27)

G. Situation #7: Basic Worries About Flying (page 27)H. Quiz (page 32)

Chapter 3: Misery About the Past, the Present and the Future

(Page 33)

A. Optimum Brooding Conditions ( page 33)

1. Sunday Afternoon ( page 33 )

2. New Year's Eve ( page 35)

3. Seventeen Basic Pessimistic Philosophies ( page 38)

B. How to Make Yourself Miserable About the Past (page 39)

C. How to Make Yourself Miserable About the Present ( page 40)

1. How to Make Yourself Miserable If You're Not a Rich

Person (page 42)

2. How to Make Yourself Miserable If You ARE a Rich

Person (PAGE 42)

3. How to Make Yourself Miserable If You're Not a Famous

Person (page 45)

4. How to Make Yourself Miserable If You ARE a Famous

Person (page 45)

5. How to Make Yourself Miserable If You're Not a

Beautiful Person (page 47)

6. How to Make Yourself Miserable If You ARE a

Beautiful Person (page 47)

7. How to Make Yourself Miserable If You're Not a

Talented Person (PAGE 48)

8. How to Make Yourself Miserable If You ARE a

Talented Person (page 48)

D. How to Make Yourself Miserable About the Future ( page 50)

E. Exercise: Seventeen Masochistic Activities for the Beginner

(page 52)

F. Completion Test (PAGE 54)

SECTION II: METHODS TO MISERY WITH OTHERS

(Page 55)

Chapter 4: How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (Page 55)

A. How to Formulate a Reject-Me Image (page 56)

1. The Reject-Me Posture (page 57 i

2. The Reject-Me Tone of Voice (page 571

B. The Dynamics of Rejection ( page 58)

1. Selecting a Promising Potential Rejector (page 59)

2. The Apology as an Aid to Rejection ( page 60)

3. The Reject-Me Formula and How to Use It ( page 64 )

4. How to Handle the Reluctant Rejector (page 68

5. Test Problem (page 69 i

Chapter 5: How to Lose Your Job (Page 71)

A. Basic Underpaid Attitude (page 72 i

B. Balancing the Scales ( page 73 i

C. Quiz (PAGE 75)

Chapter 6: How to Avoid Deep Romantic Relationships(Page 76)

A. Misery at Parties ( page 76)

1. Basic Strateg>^ i page 76)

2. The No Small-Talk Maneuver (page 79)

B. The Telephone as an Instrument of Self-Torture (page 80

1. Waiting for a Phone Call (page 81)

2. Phoning for a Date (page 87)

3. Opening Remarks for Telephone Calls (page 89)

4. The Invitation (PAGE 90)

C. The Ordeal of Actually Going Out (page 93)

1. Basic Philosophy (page 93)

2. Ten Ways to Kill a Good Evening (page 93)

D. Quiz (PAGE 96)

Chapter 7: How to Destroy Deep Romantic Relationships

(Page 97)

A. Relationship-Destroying Maneuver #1: The Great Love

Test (PAGE 98)

B. Relationship-Destroying Maneuver #2: The Great Marriage

Bluff (PAGE 101)

C. Relationship-Destroying Maneuver #3: Do We Have

Anything Left? (page 102)

D. Relationship-Destroying Maneuver #4: Don^t Leave Me

(PAGE 104)

E. Relationship-Destroying Maneuver #5: Attractive Fred

(Counterpart for Women: Attractive Corinne) (page 105)

F. Test Problem (PAGE 108)

Chapter 8: How to Lose Any Remaining Friends (Page 110)

A. The Acceptable Failure Range (page 110)

B. Alone at Last! (page 112)

Introduction

Too long have you, the average masoehist, gone aboutthe important task of punishing yourself for your variousguilts by devious or ineffective means.

Too long have you had to settle for poorly formulatedanxieties and hit-or-miss methods of self-flagellation, simplybecause this vital field has always been shrouded in ignorancea folk art rather than a science.

Here at last is the frank report you have been waitingfor. In it we shall take you on a step-by-step investigationinto every phase of self-torture and humiliation, sharing withyou in the process many of the methods we ourselves haveused so successfully in the past.

It is our humble but earnest desire that through thesepages you will be able to find for yourself the inspiration andthe tools for a truly painful, meaningless and miserable life.

SECTION I:

Methods to Misery Alone

Chapter 1: Basics of Self-Torture

Why You Need to Be Miserable

You, we can safely assume, are guilty.

Guilty of what we don't know. Frankly, we don't wantto know. Chances are it's something pretty tacky.

Perhaps you're toying with the notion of sprayingBlack Flag on your father's Cheerios, or of running off toDenver with your dearest friend's spouse.

Or maybe it's something even more exotic, like secretromantic feelings toward: (1) your locker-mate at the Y,(2) your sister, (3) your Doberman pinscher, (4) your um-brella. (We're willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and

assume none of these things have progressed beyond thenotion stage.)

Well, whatever it is, it^s your own business and we don^twish to pry. Our only concern is that you have toyed witha few socially frowned-upon ideas, that you feel guilty aboutdoing so, and thatquite logicallyyou wish to be punishedfor your guilt.

Who can you get to punish youyour father? your dear-est friend? your locker-mate? Hardly. These people don'teven know about your guilt. And besides, they're far toobusy punishing themselves to be bothered about punishingyou. Clearly, if any punishing is to get done, you are goingto have to do it yourself.