Wiseman - Masterminds & wingmen: helping your son cope with schoolyard power, locker-room tests, girlfriends, and the new rules of boy world

More Praise for Masterminds & Wingmen

Rosalind Wiseman is perhaps Americas foremost guide through the complex social hierarchies and cruel logics that govern adolescents lives. And Masterminds and Wingmen maps the foreign territory of boys social and interior emotional lives as deftly and compassionately as Wisemans earlier book on girls. With clear analysis and down-to-earth practical advice, this book will guide manymanyconversations between parents and their sons.

M ICHAEL K IMMEL , author of Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men

InMasterminds and Wingmen, Rosalind Wiseman dared the impossible: she asked the most taciturn creatures on earthteenage boysto talk about their social lives. The result is a Rosetta Stone for the adolescent male, so even that boy-patented monosyllabic shrug now speaks volumes.

A SHLEY M ERRYMAN , coauthor of NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children

Rosalind Wiseman brings a distinctive perspective and voice to whatever issue she takes up. She did it in Queen Bees and Wannabes. Now shes done it again, revealing the inner workings of Boy World. I found the book insightful and useful, as both a father to sons and as a professional working with violent youth who must deal with the most serious life issues facing other peoples sons.

J AMES G ARBARINO , P HD , author of Lost Boys: Why Our Sons Turn Violent and How We Can Save Them

The world bombards boys with confusing and destructive messagesthe net result is the creation of characters instead of young men with character. Masterminds and Wingmenwill help parents, teachers, and coaches understand young boys and make a difference in their lives. An intriguing read.

D R . K EVIN L EMAN , author of Have a New Kid by Friday

Copyright 2013 by Rosalind Wiseman

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Harmony Books, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

www.crownpublishing.com

Harmony Books is a registered trademark and the circle colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

Photos on by John Loomis.

Cataloging-in-Publication data is on file with the Library of Congress.

eISBN: 978-0-307-98666-5

Jacket design by Jessie Sayward Bright
Front cover photography by Photo Alto/Alamy

v3.1

Its Time to Enter Boy World

Like many parents, I wake every morning with my mind filled with Post-It notes of all the things Im behind on. On April 12, 2011, I opened my eyes with only one thought: its time to write a boys book. For years Ive wanted to write a book for boys that would be a complement to one Id written for girls, Queen Bees and Wannabes. When parents and teachers would ask me about the possibility, Id thank them for their confidence and promise that Id get around to it one day, not really sure that I would. Ironically, my two children are both boys, which always gets a laugh when Im introduced as an expert on girls. How can that Queen Bees woman, that Mean Girls woman, be the mother of only boys?

The truth is, Ive always taught boys, and they constantly write to me for advice. But up until now Ive never publicly shared their struggles and what Ive told them. Some of their problems are important but small, like How can I tell a girl I like her? or How do I tell a girl I dont like her? or How do I stop my friend from bugging me about how short I am? Other questions are bigger, like, I have a coach who screams faggot at one of the kids. Some of the other guys are going after him too. I hate it, but what can I do? I want to quit the team but I cant tell my parents. Or, My dad always, always thinks Im guilty of something, or lying, or lazy. Every time he lectures me I just want to explode, but I smile and say nothing. My mom makes excuses for him. I cant live like this but I dont know what to do.

I put off writing a book about boys because I wasnt certain I could deliver the level of insight that Id been praised for in Queen Bees. Did I know boys well enough? Could I get them to tell me what I needed to know? I knew that boys are much more complex than popular culture gives them credit for. I knew there was a lot going on beyond their clipped responses like, Im fine. But I wasnt sure that I could write something that was equal to what boys, parents, and adults who care about boys need and deserve.

I needed a sign.

I got it when I was least expecting it. In the spring of 2011, I met with Cartoon Networks CEO, Stu Snyder, and Alice Cahn, the networks vice president of social responsibility, to discuss the possibility of working together on their Stop Bullying: Speak Up campaign. Id brought along Emily Gibson, who helps me strategize new partnerships. As usual, Emily got right to the point. Stu, Im really glad were meeting, but Im not sure I understand why. Rosalind is more known for her work with girls, and we know most of Cartoon Networks viewers are boys, so why her?

Stu immediately answered. You can see it in her eyes.

Whats in my eyes? I wondered. Do I have something weird in my eyes?

You can see she has boys in her eyes, Stu said. What was he talking about? Then I realized exactly what he was referring to. Id seen that look. Id even written about it in another book, Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads. I just hadnt realized it was my facial expression too. That look says to others: Im regularly attacked with Nerf guns as a display of affection. Im not surprised to receive an email or phone call from the principal. There may have been a time, just once, when I realized the boys principal was calling and I pressed Ignore because I just really didnt want to hear what the boys had done. At any moment I must cope with the following challenges: my children destroying something of high value, hurting themselves doing something mind-blowingly stupid, or facing a hygiene problem so severe that lesser beings would flee or vomit. But because Im these kids mother, Ill hold them accountable, patch them back together or bring them to someone who can, while shaking my head at the ridiculous reason were at this place, seeking help. And yes, Ill force these desecrators of bodily hygiene to clean up after themselveseven if they claim they cant smell anything wrong.

I returned from my meeting in Atlanta, and the next morning I woke up ready to write. I had just needed someone on the outside to let me know I was ready.

There are a few more things to know about me beyond that I have a reputation for working with girls. Ive taught in schools for almost twenty years. I started by founding a nonprofit organization that taught kids from fifth to twelfth grade a social justice and ethical leadership course I developed called Owning Up. That early work is the basis for the training I still do with educators and administrators. About eight years into teaching, I wrote