Rosalind Wiseman - Queen Bees and Wannabes, 3rd Edition: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boys, and the New Realities of Girl World

In middle school our group got really close, but we had one friend who was really bad. She would pick one of us to be her BFF. Even in third grade it was a big deal. She needed someone to be with her all the time. Shed force the picked girl to have matching backpacks and shoes. We didnt handle the situation well. We took out our anger and said mean things about her. She doesnt go to school with us now because she left. I asked myself why she was my friend when she made me so miserable. The moments we had were so great but I knew it was so destructive.

Holly, fourteen

I just went through my daughters texts and want to throw up. I couldnt believe the language she was using about herself and the other kids in her class.

Todd

My parents are ridiculously controlling. They investigate the background of every friend. I feel like Im trapped, and when I talk to them they dont listen. Im fourteen but mature for my age. Im really responsible and always get good grades. How can I talk to them? Everything feels like a power struggle. Theyre dictator parents, combined with helicopter parents, and theyre super judgmental. HELP! I cant talk about any of my problems with them.

Faith, sixteen

Here we go again. Its time for me to update this book for the second time. I always said Id have to update Queen Bees & Wannabes every five years. What I didnt realize is how fast that time would pass. The baby I rocked to sleep so I could write Queen Bees the first time is now six foot three, and his younger brother is taller than I am. But in spite of all of these changes in my life, one thing has been a constanthelping girls, parents, and any adults who care about girls navigate the messy terrain of Girl World.

If youre parenting or working with girls today, chances are you know about this Queen Bee/Mean Girl stuff already. Queen Bees and Mean Girls are a part of our language. You can buy Queen Bee and Mean Girl T-shirts, backpacks, and pencil cases, as if being one is something girls should aspire to.

But girl issues, of course, have been around forever. You may have had a few of your own when you were young, or you could be dealing with them now as an adult. So why do I need to keep updating this book? Because even though its true that some things never changebest friends will grow apart, people will be jealous, and betrayals will happenwe need to put these evergreen feelings and experiences in the context of what girls are going through right now. And having said that, each girl is different. Some girls tell at least one parent everything, and some vow that they will never tell a parent or any other adult anythingand they dont think they need to anyway because they have everything under control. Some girls are obsessed with horses, others with popularity and friendship drama, and others really dont care. Some girls fit into the common idea we have of what girls look like, and some dont. Some girls are boy crazy, some are attracted to girls, some question who they are attracted to, and some are questioning if theyre attracted to people at all.

Girls are awesome, brilliant, funny, and inspiring. They are also frustrating, stubborn, messy, and sometimes scary. They will, just like all of us, get into situations that are overwhelming and not know whom to turn to for help. They will get into conflicts with one another. They will experience people refusing to tell them why theyre mad, and theyll do it, too. They will feel frustrated and confused when someone dismisses them with Just kidding! or Why are you overreacting?!

No matter how many parenting books you read or seminars you go to, you cant protect girls from experiencing conflicts and problems with other people. But you can contribute to an environment and a culture for girls that empowers them to articulate their feelings in positive ways. You can educate her about how the culture we live in makes it hard to develop an authentic identity and critical thinking skills but very easy to be a mindless consumer of superficial ideas and desires. You can get a better handle on your own reactions so you can be a thoughtful adult and the source of guidance she needs. You can be a credible, trusted adult. Even if you feel discouraged or disconnected from the girl you are reading this for, or have come to this book as a last resort, always remember its never too late to help or repair your relationship with your daughter or any girl you care about.

The first time your daughter tells you that her best friend stopped talking to her and got all the other girls to stop talking to her, too, you may be somewhat upset. You may hate that girl. You may feel that you and your daughter just got recruited into a group that you want no part of but cant leave. If you can relate to what Ive just written, please know that so many parents have also had this experience. You arent alone, and neither is your daughter.

But you still need to know what to say and dobeyond wanting to yell at that horrible child. You also need to know what to do when you pick your daughter up the next day at school and shes arm in arm with that evil girl like nothing ever happened. What do you do when your daughter begs you to let this kid come over, ignoring your