Rosalind Wiseman - Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads: Coping with the Parents, Teachers, Coaches, and Counselors Who Can Rule—or Ruin —Your Childs Life

QUEEN BEE MOMS & KINGPIN DADS

Dealing with the Parents, Teachers, Coaches, and Counselors Who Can Makeor BreakYour Childs Future

ROSALIND WISEMAN

with Elizabeth Rapoport

Crown Publishers

New York

Contents

Part Two

Part One

Introduction

How did it get to be Back-to-School Night again already? You cant believe another school year has begun so soon. Your daughter just started middle school, and youre excited to meet her teachers and hear what the principal has to say. But meeting the faculty is only a small part of the evening. Youre embarrassed to admit it, but first you have to figure out what to wear. You want to look put together but you dont want to look like youre trying too hard. Should you dress more professionally? Maybe something more casual? Maybe jeans? But what if youre not taken seriously enough?

Three changes of clothes later, you walk into the main entrance. Where are all your friends? Everyone else is saying hello and doing the usual catching up. Well, not everyonethere are always those couples scattered around who never say anything; they all seem to be hugging the wall near the refreshment table. Why did you have to get here so early? Uh-oh, theres that woman you had the run-in with last spring when your kids both tried out for the travel soccer team.

Oh, no! you tell your spouse. Shes the one who screamed at the coach because her daughter didnt make the cut. I asked her to cool it and she totally went off on me. You round the corner quickly before she sees you.

Oh, look, theres the PTA sign-up desk. All the Power Momsthe movers and shakers on the school board, the PTA president and vice president, and the rest of the tightly knit groupare staffing the table, trying to recruit new families and encourage everyone to pay their dues. Theyre greeting some parents incredibly warmly; theyre distant to others. They give you polite smiles, but the message is, We dont know you; youre not one of the do-bees. Were reserving judgment.

At the next table, another team of women is aggressively recruiting for various committees. (You look around; no fathers seem to be manning these desks.) We could really use some help on the Authors and Artists Event, calls out one of the moms. May we sign you up?

Um, Im not sure, you say. Work has just been incredibly crazy, and I dont know

Oh, thats okay, we understand, she replies, her demeanor cooling instantly. I work, too. So does everyone else on the committee. Thats code for Hey, we all work hard. Were just not afraid to work harderfor our kids. Clearly, were more dedicated parents than you.

Theres Carlys mom, Denise. Carly and your Katie used to be such good friends, but lately things have cooled offCarly didnt even call Katie back when she got home from sleep-away camp. Katies hurt, but youre not really sure how to handle it; Denise is a little... intense.

Hi! Denise trills. How was your summer? Carly had a blast at the Johns Hopkins lit thing. We went to Space Camp, too. Howd Katie do on that Odyssey paper? Carly had trouble with it at first, but I helped her out on the research and I think Mrs. Evans is definitely going to want her for the GATE class.

Was there a mailing you missed? Is your daughter going to be shut out of the gifted class because you buried some assignment in the foot-tall stack of old mail on the hall table? Odyssey paper? you ask weakly.

Denises eyes widen. Katie didnt do the Odyssey paper yet? They went over it last week at the GATE meeting. I was wondering why you werent there.

Oh, my God, we missed it! you say. Do you think its too late? Katie should totally be in GATE.

Denise smiles soothingly. Dont worry. Just talk to Rochelle. Rochelle. So Denise is on a first-name basis with the principal. Youre not even sure how to spell her last name.

As Denise disappears into the crowd, a smiling mother holds out a flyer to you with one hand; in the other shes holding a clipboard and stack of papers. Its about the new Kendall-McGee rubric. We think the principal is on completely the wrong track with the new curriculum. Did you have any questions before you sign the petition? You have no idea what shes talking about, but you dont want to ask; you dont want to look like a clueless parent. Let me get back to you on this, you say as the lights begin to flicker on and off. Looks like they want us inside the auditorium.

On the way you pass the principal. Shes already surrounded by parents who are hugging her and saying, So, Rochelle, how was your summer? That suit looks fabulous!

Inside the auditorium, there are more knots of parents getting reacquainted after a summer apart. Its immediately obvious which parents are new to the school. You and your spouse take one of the few remaining spaces up front. Im sorry, says a mother, smiling past your shoulder, were saving those. You apologize, blushing; you didnt know.

Youve been at school ten minutes and already youve flunked.

Why are you worrying about what youre going to wear to Back-to-School Night like a fourteen-year-old before a school dance? And when and why did Back-to-School Night become a barometer for your own parenting and popularity?

Lets face it: Being a parent brings out our most nurturing, mature side, but it also taps our deepest insecurities, makes us question our every ability, and causes us to measure ourselves against everyone around us. In other words, it makes us feel like seventh graders all over again.

When I wrote my first book, Queen Bees & Wannabes, I wanted to help parents help their daughters survive and thrive in what I call Girl World, the social hierarchy where Queen Bees, Messengers, and Bankers (and their male counterparts) play pivotaland often corruptingparts in childrens lives. My intention was to help parents decode Girl (and Boy) World so they would understand what their children are going through and could get advice on how to help their kids help themselves.

As I traveled all over the country and spoke to hundreds of parents, I learned that parents are also looking for another type of help. They want to know how to deal with the unspoken rules of Perfect Parent World, that mythical kingdom where all the other, presumably perfect parents live and rule, a world with a social hierarchy uncannily similar to that of Girl and Boy World. Its a world in which a few parents set the rules for all parental involvement, the standards are virtually impossible to achieve, and most parents feel frustrated or disempoweredincluding the parents who established the rules in the first place. Its a world that convinces parents to make decisions based on their fear of other peoples judgments and leaves them struggling over whether and how much to get involved in their childrens schools and social lives. In this world, many parents compete ruthlessly through their children, while other parents fear to speak out against them. And it has all of us reliving the traumas and dilemmas of our own youth, even as were surprised to learn that those decades-old obsessions have returned or are still aliveif indeed they ever disappeared entirely.

In Queen Bees & Wannabes, I argued that the seemingly innocuous rites of passage that are dismissed with phrases like girls will be girls (gossip, cliques, competition for social status) teach girls how power and privilege work in our culture. I discussed how the boys will be boys mentality likewise teaches boys that might makes right. Both boys and girls too often learn to be silent in the face of injustice. It doesnt matter if that lesson is learned by a ten-year-old boy who is relentlessly teased by being called gay, or by a junior girl who thinks its so important to be popular that shes willing to be physically tortured by other girls in a hazing ritual, or by a parent who doesnt think she can confront another parent about her childs cruel behavior. These experiences teach everyone involved that whoever has power and privilege in our society is permitted to do what they want to people who dont. If we dont confront this power system or if we buy into it ourselves, we can come across as unethical or cowardly and undermine our ability to teach our children a true moral foundation and feeling of responsibility to their community.