Rosalind Wiseman - Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World

I just overheard my 8-year-old daughters friend tell her that shell only hang out with my daughter at our house because everyone else in the class thinks shes weird. And my daughter agreed! Im having a very hard time not hating this girl and everyone else in the class. Meanwhile, what is wrong with my daughter that shes OK with this? I didnt raise her to be a doormat.

Patty

My 12-year-old daughter has a great relationship with my brother, and she just told him that she had two boys in the house when we werent there. Of course he told me but now I dont know what to do. Its totally against our rules but if I punish her shell know her uncle told me and shell stop talking to him. If I dont do anything, shell do it again! What do I do?

Leah

What do you do when your daughter is the Queen Bee? My daughter talks so badly about other people that shes starting to lose all her friends. Im having a hard time liking her myself.

Marianne

I just went through my 14-year-old daughters text messages and want to throw up. I couldnt believe the language she was using about herself and other kids in her class.

Todd

Eight years ago I sat down to write a guide for parents about their daughters friendships. Well, I dont know about you, but my life certainly hasnt been the same since. People talk about Queen Bees at work, on television, and in their preschool playgroups. You can buy Queen Bee T-shirts, backpacks, and pencil casesas if being one is something your daughter should aspire to. Every day people ask me questions or share their experiences about Girl World and Queen Bees. For better and for worse, our awareness of Queen Bees and Mean Girls is now commonplace.

Meanwhile, girls are still in the thick of Girl Worldwhere people wont tell you why theyre mad at you, friends tease you and then dismiss your feelings with Just kidding!, and everyone texts and instant messages every rumor and embarrassing photograph about you. So the first time your daughter tells you that all her friends have stopped talking to her and she has no idea why, you want to know what to say and what to dobeyond wanting to yell at all those horrible children you now hate. But then things get more complicated when you pick her up the next day at school and there she is arm in arm with one of those Mean Girls like nothing ever happened. You stare at your daughter as she opens the door and begs you to let this kid come over, refusing to acknowledge that she has been co-opted by the Mean Girl World and ignoring your Are you kidding me? expression.

Welcome to the wonderful world of your daughters adolescence. Ten seconds ago she was a sweet, confident little girl. Now you cant breathe in her direction without getting that really annoying eye roll, followed by the equally irritating sigh. Or maybe, one day shes insecure and wants to sit on your lap, but the next day shes threatening to run away and youre ready to pack her bag. Shes facing the toughest pressures of adolescent lifetest-driving her new body (while youre giving her a big sweatshirt to cover up that figure she seemed to have developed overnight), navigating changing friendships, surviving crushes, trying to keep up with schooland intuitively you know even though shes sometimes totally obnoxious, she needs you more than ever. Yet its the very time when shes pulling away from you.

Why do girls so often reject their parents and turn to their friends instead, even when those friends often treat them so cruelly? One day your daughter comes to school and her friends suddenly decide they hate her. Or shes teased relentlessly for wearing the wrong clothes or having the wrong friend. Maybe shes branded with a reputation she cant shake. Or trapped, feeling she has to conform to what her friends expect from her so she wont be kicked out of the group. But no matter what they do to her, she still feels that her friends know her best and genuinely want what is best for her. Or worse, she knows they arent good for her, but she would rather put up with being treated like dirt than be alone. In comparison, she believes that you, previously a reliable source of information, dont have a clue. For parents, being rejected by your daughter is an excruciating experience. But it can really make you mad and doubt your childs sanity when youre replaced by a group of girls with all the tact, sense of fairness, and social graces of a pack of hyenas.

Most people believe a girls task is to get through it, grow up, and put those experiences behind her. But your daughters relationships with other girls have deep and far-reaching implications beyond her teen years. Your daughters friendships with other girls are a double-edged sword. First, lets talk about the positives. These friendships can be the key to surviving adolescence. Many girls will make it through their teen years precisely because they have the support and care of a few good friends. These are the friendships in which a girl truly feels unconditionally accepted, understood, and sometimes even challenged when shes doing something thats not good for herlike dating a guy who doesnt treat her with respect.

But I wouldnt be writing this book and you wouldnt be reading it if thats all there was to girls friendships. Girls friendships are often intense, confusing, frustrating, and humiliating; the joy and security of best friendships can be shattered by devastating breakups and betrayals. And beyond the pain in the moment, girls can develop patterns of behavior and expectations for future relationships that stop them from becoming competent, authentic people who are capable of having healthy relationships with others as adults.

But your daughter is too close to it all to realize the good and bad influence of her friends. She needs guidance from you despite the fact that shes pulling away. My job is to give you my best suggestions for what kind of guidance to give her and how that information should be presented so she listens and your relationship with her is strengthened through the process.

As this is the updated version of Queen Bees, theres no way I could write it without addressing two things: (1) how technology and the media influence your daughters social life for better and worse; and (2) how these issues are impacting younger girls and what you can do about it.

I cant emphasize enough the effect that constant connectivity to the Internet, e-mail, cell phones, and texting has on your childs landscapenot to mention online social networking like MySpace, Webkinz, Club Penguin, Stardoll, Facebook, Twitter, or the ten other new websites the girls will be regularly using by the time this book is published. These things are in your daughters lifeeven if you dont let her have a cell phone or you dont think she has an e-mail account.

Before you assume I think all of those things are bad, let me assure you I dont. What I think is that most parents havent realized that as soon as their child interacts with technology in any way, they have to explicitly tie her use of this incredibly powerful tool to their values. If parents dont, they have missed the most important opportunity to teach her how to be a decent, ethical person.