MaryAnn Johanson - The Totally Geeky Guide to the Princess Bride

The Totally Geeky Guide to The PrincessBride

by MaryAnn Johanson

Smashwords edition

Copyright 2006 by MaryAnn Johanson

First ebook edition copyright 2010 by MaryAnnJohanson

The book is available in print at Amazon(ISBN 978-1-84728-739-7)

Discover other works by MaryAnn Johanson at maryannjohanson.com and Smashwords.com .

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personalenjoyment only. This ebook may not be resold or given away to otherpeople. If you would like to share this book with another person,please purchase an additional copy for each person. If yourereading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchasedfor your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com andpurchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work ofthis author.

for everyone who has ever wondered

why murder by pirates is good

contents

introduction

I:Im only waiting around to killyou...

II: You keep using that word...

III:I was eleven yearsold...

IV: She doesnt get eaten by the eels atthis time...

V: Have fun storming the castle!

VI: It was a fine time for me...

VII:Murdered by pirates isgood...

VII (cont):Murdered by pirates:still good

VIII:This is true loveyou thinkthis happens every day?

IX:When I was your age,television was called books.

easter eggs

He is a sailor on the pirate shipRevenge...

Casablanca, or The Princess Refugee

Two men in black walk into a bar...

about the author

introduction

ThePrincess Bride has alwaysbeen with me. I dont remember the first time I saw the film,though Im pretty sure I did not see it during its theatricalrelease and only stumbled across it on video. But I cant remembera time before The Princess Bride, a time in which I did nothave its wit and snark to guide me through life in all its pain.And I can say that life is pain with a smile, nay, a happy-go-luckygrin, because the Man in Black said so right here in this silly,wonderful, perfectly perfect movie. I mean, its got everything:fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases,escapes, true love, miracles

But you knew that, didnt you, and you know,if youre like me, that I could happily babble on for hoursuttering nothing but lines of dialogue from The PrincessBride. If youre not sure if youre like me, if youre not sureif this book is for you, then simply take this easy quiz:

Are you a Princess Bride fanatic?

Who is the sworn enemy of the country ofFlorin?

A. Rosencranz

B. Guildenstern

C. Guilder

Name the fencing strategy to counterBonettis Defense.

A. Casablanca

B. Copernicus

C. Capoferro

Finish this sentence: Plato, Aristotle, andSocrates are...

A. Morons

B. Dead

C. Philosophers

Where was Fezzik the Giant unemployed whenVizzini hired him?

A. Greenland

B. The WWF

C. Hollywood

To avoid the first Classic Blunder, youshould:

A. Never go up against a Sicilian whendeath is on the line.

B. Never get involved in a land war inAsia.

C. Never utter a line from ThePrincess Bride unless you want to be spouting quotes allday.

The Princess Bride was written by:

A. William Goldman

B. S. Morgenstern

C. This is a trick question, isntit?

Is this a kissing book?

A. Yes

B. No

C. You know, someday you might notmind so much.

ANSWERS

Well, if you dont know, Im not going tospoil the movie for you by giving away all the fun. But if yourethinking, Hey, why not ask what the three terrors of the FireSwamp are, or why no one would surrender to the Dread PirateWestley, or what as you wish means, or what interpersonalinstitution is considered a dweam within a dweam? then youalready know what kind of fanatic you are. Read on.

Im only waiting around to kill you...

Its not as if its something you dodeliberately. No one thinks to herself, Ah, nows my chance totest my new pal on his knowledge of The Princess Bride. Itjust happens naturally. Youre wishing each other farewell and yousay, Have fun storming the castle! Or youre discussing theidiocy of a third party and you say, Thats one of the classicblunders, or perhaps, as if to scold that idiot blunderer: Youkeep using that word. I dont think it means what you think itmeans.

And then it happens. Your new pal screws uphis face in a mystified grimacehe has no idea what youre talkingabout. And you, hoping to salvage the situation, prompt him: Youknow, The Princess Bride? Inconceivable? Hello, my name isInigo Montoya? No?

There are only three possible outcomes atthis point. One, your friend says, Oh, Ive never seen that.Which is sad, but it means theres still some hope for him, and youwill have the opportunity to initiate a neophyte into the cinematicequivalent of a not-so-secret secret society. Two, your friendsays, Oh, that. I think I saw that once. Which is bad, becausetheres no such thing as seeing The Princess Bride onceifyou havent seen it so many times that you unconsciously mouth thedialogue along with the action, you havent really seen it at all.Three, your friend says, Oh, that. I never really got that movie.Which is the point at which you stop calling him friend.

Extreme? Perhaps. But all true worshippers atthe altar of the Dread Pirate Westley have done it, have lookedaskance at someone we thought we knew who suddenly shows himself tobe an alien creature beyond our ken. Not having seen ThePrincess Bride is almost understandable, but not getting it?That indicates a discordance between you and this so-called friendon a level so fundamental that it cannot be overcome. What do yousay to someone who isnt tickled by the concept that being murderedby pirates can be good? How can you ever look such a person in theeye again? Someone I used to know, someone whom I liked andrespected, suddenly told me one day that she thought ThePrincess Bride was dumb. I was devastated, not that she hadinsulted my movie but that I could never see her as quite the samesharp cookie I had before. She had, in my eyes, insulted onlyherself.

Im only half kidding. There is a kinshipamong people who get The Princess Bride that isnt aboutthe movie per se but about sharing a particular outlook on theworld, one that does not tolerate bullshit, mundanity, orobviousness. People who get The Princess Bride get ironyand sarcasm. People who get The Princess Bride do notsuffer fools gladly. People who get The Princess Bridelong for swashbuckling romantic adventure while simultaneouslyacknowledging the impossibility of such a dream. To be aPrincess Bride fan is more than to be in the grip of merefannishness. It is to be possessed of a deep and abiding feelingthat all knowledge and wisdom is to be found in The PrincessBride. It is to be convinced that there is no single moment ofhuman experience for which there is not an appropriate quote fromthe film... and it is have those quotes spring to mind of their ownaccord in the course of everyday life. And it is to realize that,as extraordinary and hilarious and perfect as the film is, it isstill, in the end, only a movie.

People who get The Princess Brideare of that special breed of cynics who are thwarted idealists. Ofcourse there are people who dont get The Princess Bridewho arent reluctant cynics, who dont yearn for adventure, whodont, in fact, sense that the wisdom of humanity is containedwithin its frames. But its impossible to imagine someone who doesfeel all these things not getting