Cline Foster - Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

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1990, 2006 by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay

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ISBN-13: 978-1-57683-954-6

Cover design by: Kirk DuPonce, DogEaredDesign.com
Cover photo by: Jupiter Images and Getty Images
Creative Team: Terry Behimer, Cara Iverson, Darla Hightower, Arvid Wallen, Laura Spray

First edition text was written by Tom Raabe.
Second edition prepared by Rick Killian, Killian Creative, Boulder, Colorado, www.killiancreative.com

All Scripture quotations are from the New Revised Standard Version Bible, 1989, Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

LOVE AND LOGIC, LOVE & LOGIC, BECOMING A LOVE AND LOGIC PARENT, AMERICAS PARENTING EXPERTS, LOVE AND LOGIC MAGIC, 9 ESSENTIAL SKILLS FOR THE LOVE AND LOGIC CLASSROOM, and the heart logo are registered trademarks or trademarks of the Institute For Professional Development, Ltd. and may not be used without written permission expressly granted from the Institute For Professional Development, Ltd. Absence of in connection with marks of Love and Logic or other parties does not indicate an absence of registration of those marks.

Some of the anecdotal illustrations in this book are true to life and are included with the permission of the persons involved. All other illustrations are composites of real situations, and any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Cline, Foster.

Parenting with love and logic : teaching children responsibility / Foster Cline and Jim Fay.-- Updated and expanded ed.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 1-57683-954-0

1. Parent and child. 2. Parenting. 3. Responsibility in children. I. Fay, Jim. II. Title.

HQ755.85.C58 2006

649.64--dc22

2005037527

Printed in the United States of America

8 9 10 11 12 13 14 / 15 14 13 12 11 10

To all the parents and children (including our own!)
who were my teachers, and to my wife, Hermie, who gave support.

Foster

To my wife, Shirley,
whose love, support, and wisdom have always been
a source of motivation and strength.

Jim

Contents

Foreword to the Second Edition

We have been gratified to see the response that the world has given Parenting with Love and Logic and Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. Since these books were first published in 1990 and 1992, they have had twenty-six and seventeen printings respectively and have been translated into eight languages. Parents on six continents all except Antarctica have effectively embraced Love and Logic concepts. During these years since the first edition, we have happily collected success stories of parents who excitedly and proudly told us of raising their children with choices, consequences, and empathy, as taught in Parenting with Love and Logic.

While sales have continued to increase, it is apparent that the world has changed in many ways since the books were written. In those days, there was no instant messaging, no talking to strangers in chat rooms, no computer games. Toddlers didnt own plastic toys that took turns spouting off the alphabet, tutoring children on naming colors, and helping them learn to spell. Yet no matter the generation, good parenting boils down to loving and effective parent-child relationships and communication that engender respect and self-discipline.

Our goal in this second edition has not changed, but we have added information on how parents can specifically handle the new challenges our children face. This new information includes real-life examples of effective communication between parents and their kids.

We thank the parents who have told us how the principles here have helped them raise children who are equipped to make good decisions and who are loving, responsible, and fun to be around. We also thank those who have given us ideas and suggestions, some of which have been included in this edition.

Foster Cline and Jim Fay

March 2006

Introduction

For hundreds of years, rookie parents learned the fine points of child rearing by example: They took the techniques their parents had used on them and applied them to their own children. Today this approach is more apt to bomb than boom.

Many of us, when we meet failure in parenting, throw up our hands in frustration and say, I cant understand it. It worked for my dad! Yes, it did. But things have changed. The human rights revolution, the communication explosion, the Internet, cell phones, changes in the nuclear family these and many other factors have radically changed how our children view life. Kids are forced to grow up quicker these days, so they need to learn sooner how to cope with the tremendous challenges and pressures of contemporary life. The impact of rising divorce rates, single parents raising kids, blended families, and other changes in the family has been dramatic. Parents must learn to use different techniques with kids who live in todays complex, rapidly changing world.

Thats where Parenting with Love and Logic comes in. Why the terms love and logic? Effective parenting centers around love: love that is not permissive, love that doesnt tolerate disrespect, but also love that is powerful enough to allow kids to make mistakes and permit them to live with the consequences of those mistakes. Most mistakes do have logical consequences. And those consequences, when accompanied by empathy our compassionate understanding of the childs disappointment, frustration, and pain hit home with mind-changing power.

This book is written in two parts. In the first, we will lay out our concepts on parenting in general terms, centering on building self-concept, separating problems, neutralizing anger and arguments, using thinking words and enforceable statements, offering choices, and locking in our empathy before our kids face the consequences of their mistakes. These are the building blocks of effective parenting. Part 1 also contains extra tidbits of information Love and Logic Tips which add flesh to the bone of many Love and Logic principles.

In the second part, we get practical. The forty-eight Love and Logic pearls offer everyday strategies for dealing with problems most parents will face during the first twelve or so years of their childrens lives. These pearls build on the general ideas developed in the first half of the book and should be used only after the first part has been read and understood.