Louise Hart - The Bullying Antidote: Superpower Your Kids for Life

Superpower Your Kids for Life

Dr. Louise Hart

and

Kristen Caven

Hazelden Publishing

Center City, Minnesota 55012

800-328-9000
hazelden.org/bookstore

2013 by Louise Hart

All rights reserved. Published 2013.

Printed in the United States of America

No part of this publication, either print or electronic, may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the express written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Hart, Louise.

The bullying antidote : superpower your kids for life / Dr. Louise Hart and Kristen Caven.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-61649-417-9 (softcover)

ISBN 978-1-61649-496-4 (ebook)

1. Aggressiveness in childrenPrevention. 2. BullyingPrevention. 3. Parenting. I. Caven, Kristen, 1964 II. Title.

BF723.A35H37 2013

649.6dc23

2013016432

Editors note

The names, details, and circumstances may have been changed to protect the privacy of those mentioned in this publication.

This publication is not intended as a substitute for the advice of health care professionals.

Alcoholics Anonymous is a registered trademark of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

16 15 14 13 1 2 3 4 5 6

Cover design: Theresa Jaeger Gedig

Interior design and typesetting by Kinne Design and BookMobile

Developmental editor: Peter Schletty

Production editor: April Ebb

To loving parents everywhere;

from you flows the power to create

a bully-free world.

I think the most important question

facing humanity is,

Is the universe a friendly place?

ALBERT EINSTEIN

This book is not just the creation of two authors; like every solution to social problems, it reflects the efforts of a communitymany communitiesto whom we offer our gratitude.

First of all, Hazelden is much more than a publisher. Its support centers and publications have helped many generations to become stronger, more caring, and more capable people. We are so grateful for being asked to join the Hazelden community and make this contribution. Thank you to the whole team, specifically Peter, April, Theresa, Kinne Design, Jill, Jody, and the marketing geniuses who came up with the wonderful title that spurred us to define Zorgos.

Secondly, to the community of dedicated experts, researchers, and teachers whose evidence-based work we wove together in this book. The thousands of hours we spent on this book reflect the millions of hours of hard work on the part of the people and organizations whose ideas weve shared.

And last but not least, to our community of friends, family, and school networks who not only gave us the support and encouragement we needed for the long journey, but who shared their stories, successes, and frustrations; sent us links and ideas; and shared their personal insights and experiences. Their care and attention helped give us the perspective we needed to build our unified field theory of bullying.

Indeed, there was magic in the entire process, with just the right ideas emerging at just the right time; we honor the universal flow of intelligence that guided us in writing this book.

Full gratitude to my daughter, Kristen Caven, who became a full partner in every stage of this exciting processbrainstorming, researching, outlining, writing, rewriting (and rewriting, and rewriting), and editingwhich was more of a dance than a struggle. Many of the stories reflected the experience and wisdom she gained raising my grandson. Im also grateful for the support of my young grandgirls who would often ask me, Hows the book going, Grandma Lulu?

My mother has inspired me all my life by pursuing her passion for humanitys well-being. Its been an honor to work with her and an enjoyable challenge to keep up with her remarkable, associative mind that is always searching for solutions. I am also deeply grateful to my friends and family members who have taught me so much, especially my son, Donald, who brings Zorgos to life. And I speak for us both when I say none of this would have been possible without the love and contributions of my life partner, Dave.

INTRODUCTION

No one wants to raise a bully, and no one wants his or her child to be bullied. But bullying is happening anywaymore pervasively, more indiscriminately, and in some cases more violently than ever before. For example, according to a National Institutes of Health survey:

• About 282,000 students are reportedly attacked in high schools each month.
• Over half of all students have witnessed a bullying crime taking place while at school.
• A reported 15 percent of all students who dont show up for school attribute their absence to fear of being bullied while at school.
• About one in ten students drops out or changes schools because of repeated bullying.
• One out of every twenty students has seen a student with a gun at school.
• The leading cause of death among children under the age of fourteen is suicide.
• Every thirty minutes, a teenager attempts suicide due to bullying.
• One in three teens has experienced cyber threats online.

Clearly, the consequences of bullying are no longer limited to black eyes and stomachaches.

This book sets out to take a deep and cross-disciplinary look at the causes and effects of bullying, in search of a cure. The sad truth that we found is that many common and widespread societal factors, including parenting practices, contribute to the bullying epidemic. Bullying and other risky behaviors have deep roots in history, compounded by changes that have affected families over the last two generations. Parents and corporations with the best of intentions have nonetheless ushered in some enormous negative consequences.

Yet just looking at these realities with clear vision is a step toward healing the problem. One study we reference in depth has revealed the connection between adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and later-in-life diseases, both mental and physical. Having this information gives us the motivation to protect our kids childhoodsand helps us find solutions for a national health crisis.

We are excited to report that there is a great deal of good news as we approach the tipping point. Kids and parents everywhere are standing up and saying, Thats enough! Principals and community leaders are taking new approaches that give would-be bullies options other than bullying. Bullying is even being confronted on national and governmental levels. And many ingrained cultural practices are finally being called what they really are: bullying.

While its important to label bullying behavior when we see it, its equally important not to label a child as a bully or victim. Although we occasionally use those labels to describe general roles or identify the two parties involved, its important to see both the child who bullies and the child who is bullied as whole personswith needs, desires, strengths, and weaknesses, all of which contribute to who they are as a person. It is important to see that no child is beyond help. Therefore, we choose to use the words bullying dynamic in this book, defining the issue as a power structure problem that can be changed with awareness, knowledge, and skills.

This book is for any parent of a child who has bullied or who has been bullied, including parents who have experienced bullying themselves. This book is for all parents, wannabe parents, and grandparents; for married, single, and divorced parents; for child-care providers and educators; for policy makers and school board members; and for everyone else involved in the lives of children. Our focus on prevention is especially helpful for parents of younger children.