D. Hornby - How to Raise a Billionaire Genius: Guarantee Your Crying Poop Monster Grows Up to be Better Than All the Other Kids

HOW TO RAISE

a Billionaire Genius

GUARANTEE YOUR CRYING POOP MONSTER
GROWS UP TO BE BETTER THAN ALL THE OTHER KIDS

Sean Campbell and D. Hornby

illustrations by Valentin Ramon

Ulysses Press

Text copyright 2013 by Sean Campbell and D. Hornby. Illustrations copyright 2013 by Valentin Ramon. Concept and design copyright 2013 by Ulysses Press and its licensors. All Rights Reserved. Any unauthorized duplication in whole or in part or dissemination of this edition by any means (including but not limited to photocopying, electronic bulletin boards, and the Internet) will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Published by:

Ulysses Press

P.O. Box 3440

Berkeley, CA 94703

www.ulyssespress.com

ISBN: 978-1-61243-157-4

Library of Congress Catalog Number 2012951891

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Acquisitions Editor: Kelly Reed

Managing Editor: Claire Chun

Editor: Jessica Benner

Proofreader: Elyce Berrigan-Dunlop

Interior design and layout: Rebecca Lown

Cover design: what!design @ whatweb.com

Cover illustrations: Valentin Ramon

PLEASE NOTE: How to Raise a Billionaire Genius is a work of parody in book format. No affiliation with, and no sponsorship or endorsement by, the celebrities or products that are mentioned in this work is claimed or suggested.

For the Kids

Contents

WHATS A MILLIONAIRE GOING TO DO? BUY YOU HALF A HOUSE?

MONEY CAN BUY HAPPINESS. THERE, I SAID IT. IF ANYONE SAYS OTHERWISE, TEACH YOUR FUTURE WEALTHY DAUGHTER TO SLAP THAT LIE OUT OF THEIR MOUTH WITH HER LOUIS VUITTON HANDBAG.

Conception

Just have sex on a bed of money. All that cash on hand will drive your greedy sperm into a frenzy. Your middle-class sperm might come on strong at the start, but eventually theyll start to doubt whether all that risk and hard work are really worth it and will settle down in a less expensive arealike the fallopian tubesto work off their car payments.

In the Womb

Inspire your womb tycoon with the noise of the stock market. Loud bells, profanity, and yelling on the trading floor are like poetry to a little billionaires ears.

Early Years

Like Pavlovs dogs, you need to train your child to salivate at the smell of money. Burn a bit of a dollar bill on a regular basis. When he asks what that smell is, jam a piece of cake in his mouth.

Choosing an Industry

If your child shows an aptitude for exploiting the environment, you might want to consider the oil industry. You just hire some guys to suck old dinosaurs out of the ground through long straws andbada-boom!youre rich.

If human exploitation is more her thing, sweatshops in South Cheapsland are the way to go. Build products out of lead and asbestos to sell to Americans who never realized they needed such a thing until they saw the 50 percent off sign. Simple. Effective. Billionaire.

Education

Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Oprah Winfrey all dropped out of college. Which should tell you that while the first few semesters make you a billionaire; the final years negate all that early promise. Your childs sophomore year should be all about driving over a flaming pile of his old textbooks in his Maserati.

Toys

Your child gets one toy: Monopoly. If shes not rushing around town tearing down her own houses to build hotels while throwing friends in jail for not paying their rent, all while driving a brand-new oversized Lexus Thimble, then you have failed as a parent.

Appropriate Names

FOR A GIRL:

Mrs. Dr. Howard Buckingham

Lady Duchess of Diamondton

FOR A BOY:

Dieter Von Mansionhouse

King or Prince *any hotel chain* (as in King Marriott or Prince Best Western)

E = MCEASYLIFE.

IMAGINE A FUTURE IN WHICH YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY THE PIERCING RED EYES OF A DOZEN MENACING ROBOTS. ONE OF THEM HANDS YOU A COLD BEER. ANOTHER RUBS YOUR SHOULDERS WHILE MICROWAVING POPCORN IN ITS ROBO-TORSO. YOUR GENIUS CHILD STANDS BEHIND THEM WITH A REMOTE CONTROL, PROUDLY SHOWING OFF THE FEATURES OF HER ENTRY TO THE GRADE 3 SCIENCE FAIR.

Conception

Its pretty controversial, but you and your partner must have sex ... mathematically.

Thats right, its time to get out your graphing calculator and get busy. If you really want to freak it, reach for that abacus. Oh ... yeah ... thats the right spot. And you know its the right spot because you found it using Pythagorass theorem.

Diet

The only guaranteed brain food is brains themselves. On our playfully titled zombie diet, your genius child will ingest such delicious meals as limbic pasta, garlic-roasted cerebellum, and the gray matter platter. They all look and taste like pablum.