Jennifer Kolari - Connected Parenting: Transform Your Challenging Child and Build Loving Bonds for Life

Table of Contents

I am thankful to so many people who supported me and have been a constant inspiration to me. To my agent, Rick Broadhead, thank you so much for believing in this project and its message. Thank you for all the time you put into it, for all your support, and for all your long conversations with me. To my editor Lucia Watson in New York, thank you for your clear understanding of the vision of this book and for your commitment and belief in the philosophy behind Connected Parenting. You brought clarity, power, and organization to the work. Thank you to my Canadian editor, Alex Shultz, for inheriting this project and getting behind it midway through. To Barbara Berson, for loving and getting this book, for your support and excitement. I will never forget the day I got that phone call from you. I am forever grateful. To Judy Kern, I couldnt have written this without you... no, really! Thank you for all your help, for your wit, for your wisdom, and for your fantastic laugh. It was a great journey.

Faye Mishna, for being a truly unforgettable teacher whose lessons helped me to be a better clinician, person, and mother. So much of this book and the philosophy behind it were inspired by your wisdom and your teaching; thank you.

Tish Cohen, together we are one person. You are my best friend, and I am thankful for that every day of my life. Thank you for the continuous conversation we have been having since we were twelve years old and... Mammoth really is as high as the Rockies. Thank you for all your help with editing, for being my Houston, and for editing this acknowledgment section.

Alisa Kenny Bridgeman, thank you for the hours you spent on this book combing over every word and for listening to me whine. You are brilliant. Thank you for your support, your friendship, and your brain. Cindy Smolkin, my right hand, I love that you are working with me at Connected Parenting. You are a spectacular therapist and even better friend. I am looking forward to growing Connected Parenting with you. Thank you for your enthusiasm and endless support. Janis Beach, you are the other primary teacher in my life who has taught me so much. I cant thank you enough for everything you do and have done for me and for being astonishingly smart. I am still pinching myself that you are working with me at Connected Parenting; I am so honored. Marsha Gallinger and Daniela Kozlov, the other members of my dream team, thank you for being part of it all, for lending me your talent. I am so grateful to you both. Beverly Kavanagh, thank you for your unending belief in Connected Parenting, for your trust, and for your support. Your point of view was more helpful than you will ever know. Robin Stoneyou rock, thank you for your opinions, your support, and your incredible sense of humor. Sarah Hall at Blue Sky Communications Inc., you are wonderful. Thank you for your energy and for everything you have done for me. I would also like to thank all the families I have worked with for letting me into your lives and for trusting me with your children. You are all very special to me; thank you. To the kids whom I have worked with, thank you for all that you have taught me. Thank you for working hard, being honest, and being so real. You are all treasures, each and every one of you.

Most of all, I would like to thank my family. My husband, Barry, what can I say except thank you for being the love of my life. Thanks for holding down the fort while I wrote, worried, and stressed. To Jacob, Zo, and Olivia, thank you for allowing people to know your names and share your stories. You are spectacular kids. I love you all so very much and I am so deeply proud of all three of you. You are my true teachers, and you continue to teach me every day. Thank you, my babies.

Mom and Dad, you are the best parents and, as far as Im concerned, the original Connected Parents. I knew every day as a child how loved I was. It was a part of me and still is.

To my sister, Rebecca, the rock of Connected Parenting, I could not do it without you. You are so smart, so supportive, so proud of me, it fills me up. It makes me sad for all the people who dont know what its like to have a sister.

I invite you to think of this book as a recipe with many ingredients, some common and familiar, others new and original. Just as there are many recipes for a great cake, there are many great parenting books and models; this one is my recipe. Much of what Ive learned and write about comes from twenty years of families letting me into their lives and sharing their experiences, from my work, my observations, and the repeating patterns I have seen. Much comes from being a mother of three beautiful children, from paying attention to those patterns and recognizing them in my own parenting and in my husbands. The rest comes from many sources: professors, colleagues, supervisors, conferences, and courses Ive attended. I have made an effort to be sure all those professionals and studies are properly cited. I do not claim that no other professionals are saying at least some of what I am, but Ive put it all together in the unique way that works best for me, for my children, and for the families I have had the privilege of working with. Please remember that the advice given in this book is not meant to replace medical advice or the direct advice of a mental health care professional. I hope this recipe will work for you and supplement the knowledge you have gathered over your own years as a parent.

INTRODUCTION

Because you have picked up this book, chances are you have experienced moments when you have been totally exasperated, frustrated, and exhausted by your childs behavior. You have lived through meltdowns and flailing legs as you try to put on your childs shoes; youve fought battles every day over the smallest things, and heard the word no more than you would care to imagine.

You may be the parent of an anxious child who is crying and stuck to your leg, refusing to go into the birthday party with all the other happy, enthusiastic kids. Maybe you are the one whose child is rambunctious and aggressive and who feels the judgmental glances of other parents dropping off or picking up their kids at school. Maybe your child is usually pretty good, but when hes bad he takes everyone down with him. There are many parents who feel the way you do. All parents feel that way from time to time, and all children can be challenging at times, but some children are different. The sensible consequences and strategies that sound great and work with other childreneven your own other childrendont always work on them. If any of the above sounds familiar to you, you already know you are the parent of a challenging childor a gladiator child, as I affectionately call such children.

Childrens behavior can be challenging for many reasons. Most often its as simple as temperament and personality; sometimes its caused by family issues and stressors; sometimes its caused by anxiety; and at times there is an underlying issue such as attention-deficit /hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Whatever the reason, like all children, challenging children have many wonderful traits. They can be funny, smart, loving, energetic, and sensitive. They can, however, also be intense, defiant, and hard on their siblings. They can fixate on the smallest things and excel at wearing you down. They can get wound up and overexcited and have a hard time calming themselves. They can argue like the best of lawyers, ruin great moments, and embarrass you in public. They can make you sadder and angrier than you ever thought possible, and cause you to question every parenting decision you make. You love them with all your heart, but at times you cant stand to be around them. Maybe you question yourself, have terrible guilt, fear for your child, and wonder why no one else seems to have a child quite like yours. Parenting can be extremely difficult, as well as extremely rewarding, but parenting a challenging child is a job that truly requires support, guidance, and a really good plan.