MacPherson - Put the disciple into discipline: parenting with love and limits

I HAVE ELEVEN GRANDCHILDREN, all under the age of ten.

Joey, the oldest, is passionate and curious. Kate is kind and generous. Jude is analytical and pensive. Haddie is outgoing and creative. Greta is witty and engaging. Will is exuberant and courageous. Isaac is brave and hilarious. Asa is compassionate and assertive. Elsie is meticulous and loving. Alma is determined and friendly. And Beth Ellen is joyful and tender.

I could go on and on about each of them for pages but its clear in just one paragraph: Each of my grandkids was given a unique, God-given personality. Each of them has incredible strengthscharacter traits that I pray God will use to truly impact his kingdom. And each of them has some weaknessesattributes that they must learn to control and overcome if they want to grow into healthy, productive adults.

Yes, each one is different, from the top of their red-or brown-or blond-haired heads to the tips of their sparkle-boot-or soccer-shoe-clad toes. And I know that God created your kids uniquely wonderful, too, each with a special purpose, special plan, and special gifts to boot. Yet, while I think every one of us recognizes these innate differences in our kids, when it comes to discipline, so many of us try to fit our kids into a prescribed plan.

Ill just come out and say it: That doesnt make sense.

Ive come to believe that many of the parenting experts got it wrong. Im not saying that their ideas and tools are wrongI often refer to my tall stack of parenting books when it comes to disciplinebut so many of the common parenting books and touted parenting methods lack one thing: They forget about discipleship. They tell you how to demand obedience and honesty and good behavior but dont cover how to teach our kids to truly desire right and how to show them the love that God so readily (and mercifully) pours out on us.

Erin and I want to change that.

Were not telling you to throw out all of your discipline books. Were asking you to consider the idea that maybe discipline is a bit bigger than what youve thought it was. While it may take a bit more work, by focusing on discipleship and heart connection, you can create a lasting bond with your kids that runs deepand helps your kids to truly see Jesuss love in a tangible way. Maybe when your kids mess up, it is a chance for their hearts to be refined by God and moved toward Him.

Before we get to the good stuffwere going to take you through several real discipline scenarios from real parentsI thought it would be a good idea to lay a foundation for this type of discipline. If Im being honest, this type of discipline (or shall I say nondiscipline) is much harder than any discipline you have ever tried before. Why? Because it requires you to carefully consider a variety of factors and pillars instead of simply following a simple 1-2-3 process or doling out a specific punishment to fit the crime. Its hard, yes, but it will also pay big dividends as your child grows. A little hard work now for huge rewards later seems worth it, right?

Therefore, I want to spend a bit of time talking about what I consider to be the four pillars to this book: discipleship, not discipline; desire, not obedience; connection, not control; and growth, not assistance.

Put on then, as Gods chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another, and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

COLOSSIANS 3:1213 (ESV)

I had just done the unthinkable: I told a woman to stop disciplining her son.

I was speaking at a Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group and a young momwell call her Susannaraised her hand and told the story of her four-year-old son, James. James was really pushing his limits. He was running through her house, throwing balls at windows, smashing Lego towers built by his older brother, and then screaming when anyone told him to stop.

She told me she was at a loss.

That the time-outs and spankings and lectures shed triedtricks people had told her were sure to workwerent working with her wild, strong-willed son.

That she didnt know where to turn.

That she was worried there was something wrong with her parenting and, worse, that there was something wrong with her son.

My heart broke for Susannaand for the hundreds of other moms who have sat in my office with similar storiesbut I also felt a glimmer of happiness as I heard her question. Because I know there is hope for kids like James.

And it starts when their parents stop disciplining them.

Its shocking, I know, but let me explain.

I am fully aware that if Susanna just stopped disciplining James, their entire household would crumble into a big, sticky, Lego-strewn mess. But I also know that the typical discipline strategies that all parents talk about just dont work for kids like James. Kids who know what they want and know how to get it. Kids who need Jesus, not a bunch of rules and boundaries.

Which is why our mind-set when it comes to discipline needs to change: Instead of disciplining them to behave, we have to disciple our kids hearts to want to behave! Our kids dont need us to control them, to break their will, to punish crimes, or to teach them to obey. They need us to show their hearts what it means to follow Jesus wholeheartedly.