Karen Renshaw Joslin - Positive Parenting from A to Z

A Fawcett Columbine Book
Published by Ballantine Books

Copyright 1994 by Karen Renshaw Joslin

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions.
Published in the United States by Ballantine Books, a division of Random
House, Inc., New York, and simultaneously in Canada by Random
House of Canada Limited, Toronto.

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOG CARD NUMBER: 93-90975

eISBN: 978-0-307-77589-4

v3.1

TO:

All parents and children.

My parents, Kathleen and Chuck; for their humor, wisdom, and forever loving. Thank you!

My husband, Richard, for his never-ending loving support and faith in me.

My children, Brett, Malia, and Elizabeth: my continuous joys, my teachers.

SPECIAL RECOGNITION:

To the memory of Blackburn Smith Joslin, M.D., one of the first pediatricians in Bellevue, Washington, a founder of Pediatric Associates, one of the founders of Overlake Hospital, and the first chief of staff there. When a parent called, he was there. He worked to help parents understand their children, he fought for the rights of children, every one, and he truly was my number-one supporter for the Positive Parenting program.

This book has been a year-and-a-half-long project. My sincerest appreciation to:

My husband, Richard, for his listening, calming, and caring, and for keeping our home and family intact. Also, for his professional expertise and his natural understanding about what children need.

Our children, Brett, Malia, and Elizabeth, for their reflections and ideas, for their computer help, and for the biking, the plays, the ball games, the skiing, the walking, and the time for special talks.

Anne Joslin Webster and Kathleen Renshaw Woodson and our extended family, parents and children combined.

I owe many thanks to the following experts and friends for their enormous interest and contributions. In random order:

For reading and offering their helpful and often witty insights, thanks to Maureen and Page Jenner; Jan Jackson, M.L.S.; Jim Becker; and my Ballantine editors.

For their time in consultation, thanks to Robin Gilleland, M.D.; Leslie Russell; Missy McIver, M.S.W; Lark Young, R.N.; Bob Bradbury, M. Div.; Toby Gonzales, Ph.D., and the Puget Sound Adlerian Society; Elaine O. Percival, R.D.; John A. Leaf; Jo Anne Holt, M.S., CCC-SLP; Kathryn Koelemay, M.D.; Terry Whitman, Ph.D.; Russell Trevena, M.D.; Glenn Lux, M.D.; David W. Montgomery, Psy. D.; Jerri L. Wolfe, Ph.D.; Rebecca Perbix, M.S.W; and H. E. Runion III, D.M.D.

For their support, I am grateful to the staff at Pediatric Associates, Bellevue, Washington.

For the many hours at Main Street Kids Book Co., thanks to Andy Pickard and Kari Peterson.

I am indebted also to the many parents who have come to my Positive Parenting course, and to others who have shared hours discussing their parenting with me. To name just a few: Pete, Kathy, Chooch, Russ, Suzanne, Diane, Cathy, Babette, Maureen, Cheri, Carol, JoAnne, Joan, Heidi, Bob, Sue, Judy, Nicki, Robin, Willy, and Jan.

Thanks to the experts, Jean Illsley Clarke, Lee Schnebly, Stephen Glenn, Rudolf Dreikurs, Jane Nelsen, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Barbara Coloroso, and Adele Faber, for their research, writing and personal training.

Finally, I am grateful for the Family Education Center, Kailua, Hawaii (which I attended from 1971 to 1974), the counselors there at that time, Ray Corsini and Genevive Painter, and the first text I learned to share with other parents, Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs.

Even with a masters degree in education, I never in a hundred years would have thought I could write a book, and it is without a doubt one of the hardest tasks Ive ever tackled. This book is proof that you can do what you set out to do if you believe in yourself. I am a wife, a mother of three children, a classroom teacher, a parent educator, and a staff trainer, and I do believe that only my own mother, a true encourager, would have initially said, Dear, you can be an author, too, if you want to.

Id just finished a day of substitute teaching a second-grade class. At home I listened to a string of messages on my answering machine. The last message caught my attention. Karen? Jim Becker. You may not remember me, but I took your Positive Parenting class two years ago. I need some parenting tips. Please call when you have time. I wish you would write a book that I could just pick up. Beep. I reversed the machine and replayed Jims message three times, trying to remember him from his enthusiastic voice and reflecting on his crazy idea about writing a book.

I called Jim, and we talked about his five-year-old daughter who would not stay in her own bed. Then he said, Karen, Im serious about your writing a book. When Barbara and I took your Positive Parenting class, parents raised countless problems and you always had something helpful to say. How about thinking of all the misbehaviors parents have to deal with and putting them into an A-to-Z format similar to a medical handbook?

Im not one to avoid a challenge, and the idea of reaching thousands of parents with such positive help was exciting. I set out to write a book that would be simple to use, like a first-aid guide. This is the parents emergency guide for difficult behavior, set up for ease of access in a handy A-to-Z format.

I have been a parent for twenty-three years, and I fall into the category of those who teach what they want to do better. Over many years I studied and trained with experts in the field of human development and Positive Parenting. I have taught this program to hundreds of parents on a one-to-one basis and also in group settings through hospitals, pediatric practices, community services, schools, and workplaces. The Positive Parenting material is the best I know for anyone wanting to help good people (whether parents or not) reach their highest potential. I also took this program into the restaurant world to help management work more positively with staff. Every year I continue my training, learning new ways to explain important Positive Parenting principles and techniques.

This book is the result of hours of reflecting on my many experiences working with wonderful parents and others involved with kids. I interviewed skilled professionals, all experts in their fields, whom I have admired and to whom I have referred parents. I reread books, listened to training tapes, and reviewed educational videos. I wrote at all hours of the day and night, then captured my family, friends, and colleagues to read my text and discuss it with me.

The challenges of parenting are both demanding and rewarding. Being a parent combines the demands of the most complex professions with continual opportunities to make a difference. We are on duty twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. When we add this to other adult daily stresses and responsibilities, it is easy to feel overwhelmed. I recently had a call from a woman who sounded both tearful and angry. The elementary school counselor had called. Your son is being a very disruptive kid. He doesnt seem to have any self-control. He is interruptive in the classroom and hurting children on the playground. I clearly felt the fear in this mothers voice. My heart went out to her. Her sons self-esteemhow he felt about himself and what he perceived others felt about himmeant so much to her. She did what all concerned parents do, she focused on what she was doing wrong. How could she improve his behavior? Feeling guilty, she blamed herself and her circumstances for his disruptiveness. She wanted to know what to do.