Craig Shaw Gardner - A Disagreement with Death

Q: Are dragons hungry?

A: Is the sky blue?

Q: Are dragons fast?

A: Should a tax collector be avoided whenever possible?

Q: Do dragons eat wizards?

A: Have you forgotten to remind the reptiles of your facility with indigestion spells?

From Ask Mr. Magic: A Wizards Guide to 364 of Todays Most Pressing Sorcerous Problems, scholastic edition, by Ebenezum, greatest wizard in the Western Kingdoms

Uncle Spike led us to the entrance of a very large cave.

This is the place, the older dragon chuckled. Allow me to introduce us. He yelled into the cave:

Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers!

Its no wonder, with prices like that! another voice roared in response.

Spike and the voice inside the cave laughed heartily.

Im beginning to see a pattern here, Hubert muttered darkly. A pattern I dont like at all.

Come on, Spike waved for us to follow. Lets go in and see Morty.

Morty? Snarks, obviously unable to help himself, said again.

Hubert reluctantly followed.

Hey, Morty! Spike called. Guess whos here? Its your brother Huey!

Huey? Snarks asked.

I told you I didnt want to come back here, Hubert replied.

What? Mortys voice called. The smokeless wonder is back again? Well, come on in!

I suppose I have to, Hubert murmured, walking forward as if every step was an effort.

The smokeless won Snarks began before a particularly sharp look from me silenced him. I figured that Hubert was in enough distress without a demonic chorus.

The dragon carried us into a truly massive cavern, larger even than the great hall at the wizards college. But what really took my breath away were the huge tapestries covering every available foot of walls and ceiling, each great hanging sporting a sewn-in message.

SEE THE SOUTHERN KINGDOMS! MOTHER DUCKS REALMA FAIRYLAND

FOR MERE PIECES OF GOLD! THE WESTERN KINGDOMSTHERES MORE

THERE THAN MEETS THE EYE!

THE LAND OF THE DRAGONSYOUR VACATION IN THE CLOUDS!

Each of the tapestries also featured elaborate illustrations. The one concerning the Southern Kingdoms showed a large picture of the sun, while the Mother Duck hanging prominently displayed a large castle. Only the tapestry for the Western Kingdoms was fairly nondescript.

And in the midst of the tapestries squatted the largest dragon I had ever seen, half again the size of Hubert and bright red besides.

Huey! the huge reptile rumbled. And hows my pip-squeak brother?

Im glad to see you, too, Morty, Hubert managed miserably.

Hear youve done pretty well down among the humans, Morty went on cheerily. Who wouldve thought it?

Morty, Hubert said, barely managing his temper, Im here for a reason.

Really? his brother remarked heartily. You want another flame-shooting contest? Or maybe we can compare our gold hordes?

Its no time for games, Morty, Hubert replied. Besides, you always win.

And you always were a spoilsport, Huey, Morty chuckled. But maybe I can do something for you, anyway.

I understand youve got a successful travel business Hubert continued doggedly.

You see it all around you! Morty cheered, tossing his massive head back and forth at the various tapestries that crowded the room. At last, Ive found a way to satisfy a dragons wanderlust! Yes, you could say Mortys Travel is a roaring success. What else would you expect from your older brother? But you said you needed help.

There was a commotion at the mouth of the cave.

That was no lady, a voice called, that was my wife!

The jokes on him, another voice added. The mouse is a ventriloquist.

Sorry, Morty yelled back. You cant get in here without a tie!

Morty and Spike laughed along with the two new voices. Hubert shivered quietly.

My worst fears have been realized, he whispered.

The floor shook as two other dragons, one a dull orange, the other sort of a red-brick tone, trundled into the back of the cave.

Dewey! Morty greeted the newcomers. Ferdie!

Dewey? Snarks repeated. Ferdie?

Oh, my, the dull-orange dragon remarked as he glanced our way. Hors-devours.

Ive done it again, havent I? Snarks whispered in horror. I nodded. The demon did have a way of attracting the attention of others. Very large others. It was interesting, I reflected, how ineffectual one seemed in the presence of giant reptiles. I might have a magic sword and a magic ferret, but what use was either of them against fire-breathing lizards? I thought again of the Brownie, but realized that even shoe magic would be ineffectual against creatures of this size; creatures who seemed to be showing all too much interest in Snarks and me.

No, no, Ferdie! Hubert interjected. These are friends.

Very appetizing friends, Ferdie agreed. But we shouldnt eat before we are properly introduced, should we?

Always know your food, Dewey agreed. Thats a dragons guide to happy digestion.

So! Morty boomed. What brings you fellows here? Need a few travel tips?

We always get our travel tips from you, Ferdie said.

Wouldnt go anyplace else than Mortys Travel, Dewey amplified.

Thats why were number one! Morty exclaimed cheerily. Of course, with me in charge, what else could we be?

Still, there are improvements that could be made, Ferdie continued, eyeing Snarks and me with far too much interest.

Most certainly, Dewey added, saliva dripping from his huge incisors. Like the introduction of a snack tray for hungry customers.

Yes! Uncle Spike agreed from the far side of the room. The very idea that I suggested earlier!

It doesnt have to be anything out of the ordinary, Dewey explained further. Simply some of your dragon staples. Say, like these fellows here. Nice, bite-size creatures from down below. So round, so soft, so succulent!

Yes, soft is a must, Ferdie concurred. None of those exotic things with exoskeletons, please! They hurt my teeth.

Never eat an unknown species, Spike added sagely.

Another tip for happy dragon digestion, Dewey concluded. But how do we split them up?

They are a little on the small side, Ferdie agreed.

Oh, everyone will get their share, Uncle Spike assured them. Anybody got a knife?

Wait a second! Hubert roared. Hasnt anybody been listening? My friends are not for eating!

Not even a bite? Ferdie frowned.

Look at all the arms and legs they have, Dewey demanded. Surely they wouldnt miss one or two?

Out of the question! Hubert replied adamantly.

Huey never was one to share his playthings, Morty remarked.

Share them? Hubert retorted. If you saw them, you took them!

Now, now, boys, Uncle Spike chided. We shouldnt let old family grudges spoil this fine reunion, should we? Lets put all thoughts of eating and generously sharing our food aside for a moment, and officially welcome Hubert back to his homeland!

Dewey and Ferdie cheered.

So you really are a song-and-dance dragon? Ferdie asked enthusiastically.

Weve got all your clippings, Dewey added. At least all of those we could find on our trips through the lowlands.

Its sort of a sideline while were pillaging and bum-ing, Ferdie explained.

Yes, yes, Morty interrupted. Im sure were all glad to see Huey again. But isnt it time to talk travel?

Thats right, Dewey harmonized. We always come to Mortys travel. After all, isnt Morty Huberts brother?

His brother? B-but thats beside the point when Mortys gives you such great travel services! Morty insisted.

Yes, Ferdie appended. We figured if we came here often enough, we were bound to meet the famous member of the family.

Another side benefit of Mortys Travel! the large red dragon stressed. Although a very minor one.

Of course, when we were waiting around for you to show, we had to do some business with Morty, Dewey elucidated. I tell you, being a fan can be so expensive!