Craig Shaw Gardner - A Multitude Of Monsters (The Exploits of Ebenezum, Bk. 2)

THE MAGE THINKS SOME SAGE THOUGHTS

There is talk in some learned circles of our major cities about whether or not satyrs, centaurs, griffins and certain other fantastic beasts really exist, or are only the product of the popular imagination. As a wizard, I, of course, tend to side with the satyrs, centaurs, and griffins, especially when these beasts begin to doubt the existence of any learned circles in our major cities.

from the teachings of ebenezum, Volume XXXVI

A delight for all fans of funny fantasy!

Will Shetterly, author of Cats Have No Lord

Devastating send-ups of all the stock props... dragons and damsels in distress, eternal champions, swords and sausage, unicorns, virgins and other improbable critters.

Marvin Kaye, author of The Amorous Umbrella

Ace Fantasy books by Craig Shaw Gardner

A MALADY OF MAGICKS

A MULTITUDE OF MONSTERS

A

ACE FANTASY BOOKS NEW YORK

A wizards reputation is his bond, or so the sages say. And, as all learned men know, a reputation is difficult to build, and all too easily besmirched. The wizard with a fallen reputation is often led to less savory forms of employ, and, while these sometimes pay better than whatever the wizard was doing before, they are not the sort of thing one writes home to Mother about. The successful wizard, therefore, should develop three or four reputations simultaneously, and then, happily, will have one for every occasion.

- THE TEACHINGS OF EBENEZUM,

VOLUME XIII

Perhaps, on the other hand, escape was a very good idea. I looked again, out over the multitude of monsters. A dozen scantily clad women were pushing large wooden carts through the crowd. The carts appeared to be refreshment wagons, filled with large kegs of mead, trays full of biscuits and small sandwiches, and little, squirmy things that squealed loudly when the creatures swallowed them.

I could but hope that if they ate those things, they would be less hungry for me. There was nothing for it but to go out amidst the crowd.

Hey! Its the human!

I was already attracting notice.

Do you think hes a wizard?

There was a coarse laugh. Sure, and Im a Pooka!

Wait a second. I thought you were a Pooka!

No, Im a Nix! Good heavens, dont you have any eyes in that Chimera head of yours?

What do you mean? Im not a Chimera!

I lost track of the conversation when one of the voluptuously attractive, and nearly naked, women stood before me.

Hello, big boy, she said huskily.

Whyum, I replied. She took my hand as I spoke. Her pink tongue moved slowly across her white teeth.

Would you like a little something? the husky voice asked.

Whyum, I replied. I seemed to have broken into a heavy sweat. I did not realize the day was so warm.

Hey! Keep your hands off our Nymphs! A short fellow with a pointy beard stared angrily at me.

Who are you? I had the awful feeling that a wizard would know more about mythical beasts than I did. What little I had learned came from conversations with Hubert, a dragon of my acquaintance who was pursuing a career in vaudeville. And Hubert hadnt talked at all about short fellows with pointy beards.

Get a load of this guy! The pointy-bearded fellow, who also appeared to have hooves and a tail, sneered. You know what a Satyr is, dont you?

Oh. I was on safe ground now. This was something I had discussed with Hubert. Sure, I replied. Thats a form of comedy, right?

Who is this guy? The bearded fellow searched the heavens above us. No. Satyr. S-A-T-Y-R! You know, the pipes of Pan! Frolicking and disporting with Nymphs among the spring flowers! That sort of thing!

Why, certainly. I dismissed my foolish error with a wave of my wizardly hand. Now that you say so, of course. Its just that I have a few things on my mind....

And your mind is where theyre going to stay! The Satyr glanced at the nearly naked Nymph. Scoot, Nymphie. Well do some frolicking and disporting later on, okay?

The Nymph showed me a final smile.

Maybe I can get you something sometime, big boy. Her voice, if anything, was lower and huskier than before.

Whyum, I replied as I watched her retreat through the crowd.

You keep shaking your head like that, youll get sick, a deep voice said nearby. I looked up to see a massive wall of gray flesh. Us Bog Womblers know all about sick.

So I had made my way through the throng to the Bog Wombler. That meant I was almost to the edge of the clearing. Perhaps I could escape after all.

Indeed, I replied, doing my best to act wizardly. Here I am, taking a stroll, to get some air.

Not a bad idea, with that crowd, the huge creature intoned. Bog Womblers dont like crowds.

Indeed, I stated.

Theres a stream just behind me. You might want to refresh yourself. If we dont have a stream around, we Bog Womblers are in big trouble.

Indeed? I answered, barely able to contain my elation. A stream? I wondered if any of the creatures came b y boat. My escape was beginning to seem more possible with every passing minute.

Still, I shouldnt appear too eager. I would engage in small talk for an instant, then saunter away.

Pardon me, I said, but I dont know what a Bog Wombler does.

Youre not alone. No one ever knows. It paused and sighed, fixing me with a single, bloodshot eye.

We womble, it said at last.

Oh, I replied. Indeed. How interesting. I think Ill go and get that drink you suggested. Awfully nice meeting you.

I skirted the Bog Wombler and headed for freedom.

The stream was not as deserted as I had hoped. Another two dozen strange creatures, many with extremely fishy characteristics, lounged in and about the water. Possibly, if I were to wander downstream a bit... I gave a wide berth to the nastier-looking fish-things. With some reluctance, I passed the Mermaids by without a second glance.

The trees grew larger and thicker as I walked downstream, which suited my purpose perfectly. No one had tried to stop me. Even if I couldnt find a boat, the foliage might give me, sufficient cover to escape on foot.

Somehow, though, I would have to double back and rescue my master. And while I might be able to move quickly through the forest for hours on end, I doubted if the wizard was yet up to it. For that reason alone, a boat would be very useful.

I came to a bend in the stream. There, moored in the shallows, was a canoe.

My luck got better with every passing moment! At this rate, Ebenezum and I would be well on our way to Vushta by nightfall.

The boat was tied by a line to a sturdy oak. It took me a moment to undo the knot, fiendishly tied, I imagined, by some hands that were not quite human. I gave a muted cry of satisfaction as the final strand pulled free. Now I would push the canoe silently downstream, and hide it somewhere to avoid detection until I had rescued Ebenezum and brought him back to the craft.

I squatted to push the canoe fully into the water.

The canoe didnt move.

Something was keeping it from moving. I now took note of the fact that the boat seemed to contain a horses hoof.

Hi there, the Hippogriff said.

Panic struck me. Clearly it was time for a change of plans.

Well, excuse me! I cried, doing my best to conjure up wizardly indignation. It appears I cant have any privacy at all! Ill have you know that even we wizards have certain bodily functions that we have to take care of.

In a boat? The Hippogriff shook its eagle beak. Guess youll just have to hold it in now, wont you? Its time for the meeting to begin.

The beast looked aloft and whistled. Oh, Rok!

There was a great fluttering of wings.

The Hippogriff fixed me again with its eagle stare. Youve been a naughty human, wandering away like that when we needed your wizardly skill. But youre the guest of honor. Spare no expense, right? So well get you an express ride back to the podium.