Craig Shaw Gardner - A Difficulty with Dwarves

The professional magician must always be ready for the unexpected, for who knows what magic might bring? Thus, one should always be prepared when performing sorcery, and have on hand a full knowledge of all the latest banishment spells, a good half-dozen well planned escape routes, and perhaps most important, a constant supply of clean linen in the guest room.

THE TEACHING OF EBENEZUM, Volume IX

Oh, no. What had I done?

The shaking earth before me tore asunder, and from that rift in the ground rose a great oaken table, complete with five demons. This was far worse than I had thought. I had somehow summoned the entire dread legion of the Netherhells Conquest by Committee!

Point of order! the small, somewhat sickly looking demon at the end cried.

The much larger demon at tables center pounded its gavel. Yes, yes. What is it this time?

Beg pardon, the small, sickly demon remarked in a voice so brash that no one, anywhere, at any time, would ever pardon anything it said. Look around us. We dont appear to be where we should be. I really thought someone should mention that.

140 Craig Sha w Ga rdner

What do you mean? the gavel demon demanded. We followed the most recent burst of wizardly energy, and here we are.

The gavel demon was so busy glaring down at its shorter committee member that it had not bothered to study the surroundings. This, I thought, might be my chance. If the demonic committee was going to pause for a discussion, maybe there was time for a counterattack after all!

Beg pardon, the small sickly demon continued, but there dont appear to be any wizards. The demon smiled, totally self-satisfied. I thought someone should mention that, too.

The gavel demon looked about in astonishment. By the Netherhells! For once our small, sickly member is correct. There dont appear to be any wizards! Is this not then Vushta after all? The demon paused to look about suspiciously. Careful now! This could be some sort of surface world trick.

Oh, would that I did have a trick! Maybe, I thought, if I looked quickly, I might find something in my Home Study Course. But what?

Point of order! the small, sickly demon screamed.

The gavel demon looked at the other fiend with half-closed eyes. Youve already had your point of -

Small and sickly shook its head emphatically. This is an entirely different one. It pointed its diminutive and pale hand across the field. Isnt that the former Grand Hoohah standing yonder?

They had spotted Guxx! I would have to act quickly. I opened the Course to the index. But what to look under? Mayhaps Demons, immobilized by magic? I flipped to the back of the book.

Oh, my, the gavel demon murmured, nodding at the silent Guxx. It coughed politely, a truly unpleasant sound. Excuse us, your immenseship. The gavel demon tried to smile. Didnt mean to bother you. Just passing through, dont you know.

Guxx, frozen immobile by magic, did not reply. I scanned the pages quickly, searching for Demons, immobilized...

Your magnificenceship? the gavel demon ventured. Surely you understand.

Guxx stood there like a statue. The gavel demon began to sweat. I looked down at my book again. I spied an entry for Demons, immersed in syrup. I was getting close.

Your superiorship? The fiend fell to its knees. Please give us a chance to explain!

I quickly scanned the next entry. Demons, immodesty at parties. But immodest came after immobile! That meant the entry I was looking for did not exist!

I stared blankly at the book. The answer had to be in there somewhere. Didnt it?

Point of order! the small demon yelled. The Grand Hoohah hasnt moved -

So what if the Grand Hoohah hasnt moved? the gavel demon screamed hysterically. If the Grand Hoohah doesnt want to -

Beg pardon, the small fiend continued. I believe he hasnt moved because he cannot move. See how the birds flutter about him, as if he were a tree or standing stone. He appears to be frozen, perhaps by some diabolical surface spell.

What are you ... The gavel demon paused to peer at the immobile Guxx. At that very instant a sparrow alighted on the former Grand Hoohahs nose.

Frozen? the gavel demon whispered.

Frozen! I thought. Of course! I quickly thumbed through the index to F.

I just thought someone should mention that, the sickly demon added with a grin.

Frozen. You dont say. Frozen. The gavel demon wiped its brow and pounded its gavel. Who cares about the old Grand Hoohah anyway? It is time for the committee to rule!

Here it was! Frozen demon, on a stick, page 212. On a stick? Somehow, that didnt sound right. Still, it was my only hope.

The large demon pounded the gavel again. All in favor of attack?

Four of the five demons raised their sharp and ugly claws. I would have to hurry before my blood was boiled!

Very well, the gavel demon rapped. Majority -

Point of order! the small, sickly, dissenting demon shrieked.

It appeared that I might still have a moment. I quickly turned to page 212.

I am sorry, the gavel demon said in a very loud voice that didnt sound sorry at all, but the vote does not have to be unanimous in a case like this.

The sickly demon pulled a huge tome from beneath the table. But it says right here in the Netherhells bylaws ...

I had a tome of my own to look through. I found page 212 and quickly read through the text. Here it was!

FROZEN DEMON ON A STICK: For the wizard that enjoys entertaining, heres the perfect end to a delightful meal -

I stopped reading. This wouldnt do at all.

But there arent any wizards! the gavel demon screamed. You said so yourself! Surely the rules are different when there arent any wizards!

Point of - the other demon began.

Oh, no, you dont! the gavel fiend exclaimed. The rest of us are going to attack without you!

So this was it. Thered be no more time for the Home Study Course. I dropped my book and picked up my stout oak staff. I knew it wasnt much protection against the might of the committee, but it was all I had. I hoped that with the help of the Brownie, who now stood on one side of me, and my ferret, who had emerged from the pack to stand on the other side, that we, together, might make an accounting.

Come, fellow demons, the gavel demon extolled. It is time to boil blood!

Oh, no, it isnt! another voice boomed, high above me.

Who could it be? Demonic reinforcements, wishing to boil our blood even more efficiently than before? With some trepidation, I looked aloft.

Look out! cried the voice, both loud and deep. Make way! Clear a path! Watch your heads!

The voice belonged to Hubert the dragon, who carried the damsel Alea upon his back. The two of them appeared to be landing in our midst.

The demons scattered. Three of them took their table with them.

Thank you, Hubert said, once he had settled his huge dragon bulk on the ground. We always do like to make an entrance.

Point of order! the sickly demon interjected.

The gavel demon ignored the others cries, turning instead to the newcomers, its gavel raised above its head like a weapon. How dare you tell the Committee of Conquest it isnt time to boil blood!

Simplicity itself, Hubert replied. No matter what the occasion, without Damsel and Dragon it simply doesnt happen!

Doesnt... happen? If the gavel demon had seemed upset before, now it was absolutely livid, the once rich blue of its scales turned a shiny purple. I had to admit that even I was taken aback by Huberts remarks, perhaps because I had never thought of boiling blood as an occasion. Still, the arrival of Damsel and Dragon had, at the least, temporarily stopped the demonic attack. Perhaps I should give the Home Study Course another try.

Ill show you what doesnt happen! the gavel demon shrieked after it had managed to control its breathing.