Berka Petr - The Xenophobes Guide to the Czechs

A Czech sees himself as the hero of a novel. Not the hero warrior from old Czech legends. But the good old soldier vejk.

A Czech sees himself as the hero of a novel. Not, however, a psychologically torn, post-modern hero from the novels of the Czech author Milan Kundera. Not even the hero warrior from old Czech legends. But a goodhearted, easy-going figure, rotund, talkative garrulous even who indulges in beer and pickled sausages (a local delicacy nicknamed utopence, which translates as sinkers or drowned people) from a novel by humorist and satirist Jaroslav Haek. This hero is the good old soldier vejk.

vejk, though a soldier, is essentially anti-militarist. All the same, he is drafted into the First World War and there he proves to be so idiotic and incompetent as to become a totally useless cog in the war machine. Although he is absolved from military service on an evaluation of his IQ, totally stupid he is not. In Czech pubs and in lecture theatres alike, even 80 or more years after the publication of the book, a lively discussion about whether vejk is a real idiot or successfully pretending to be one, rages on. In any case, he proves himself to be more sensible than all the blood-thirsty warmongers around him.

Virtue lies in a jolly mind, endless tall tales, a certain degree of shallowness and limitless determination not to get involved in any situation.

vejk is an inconspicuous Czech fellow. With a ready smile and silver tongue, he slips with almost proverbial luck from any scrimmage. He is a permanent outsider, but he knows how to live life to the full. He cannot be sad for long. While other national opuses trumpet the idea of love (truth, honour, etc.) being stronger than death, vejk claims that virtue also lies in a jolly mind, endless tall tales, a certain degree of shallowness and limitless determination not to get involved in any situation. vejk is not a participant in history, he is its saboteur. For his ability to sail through life the term vejking has been coined.

Every Czech is a bit like vejk. A Czech who reads Haeks The Good Soldier vejk and His Fortunes in the World War is looking in the mirror. And he looks with satisfaction, like a prima donna trying on a new necklace before the ball.

vejking carries within itself one great frustration. The inability to be a driving force of history and inseminator of ideas to redeem mankind becomes some form of general sociological retardation. In short the Czechs suffer from the classic inferiority complex of a small nation.

The Czechs rate their own character as dove-like. In history they were always the innocent invaded ones.

There are 10 million Czechs, and other similarly large (a Czech will say small) nations would refer to themselves as medium sized. If Hungarians, Portuguese or Swedes are small, what would Luxemburgers be? Or the inhabitants of San Marino? But the Czechs consider themselves to be small. They rate their own character as dove-like. In history the Czechs were always the innocent invaded ones here from the west, there from the east while all they ever wanted to do was to invent, write poetry and just be themselves. The invaders stole the drawings and plans, exploited them and from then on passed them off as their own. Thus, very few inventions managed to get smuggled all the way to the patent office by Czech chaps. For example, the Veverka cousins undoubtedly invented something called the ruchadlo an obscure improvement to the common plough. The world was supposed to sit up in awe.

This story is a part of the nations primary school curriculum and every small child knows it by heart. Its a wonder that the birthdates of the learned cousins have not yet been proclaimed a national holiday . (To be sure it would be a very popular one, for in this case it would have to be two days.)

The Czechs are extremely proud of their ruchadlo. The fact that nobody really knows exactly what a ruchadlo is, and what its good for, does not change anything one iota.

They wonder why the CNN news service does not offer a regular daily rubric: Good News from Czechia.