Helen Dyrbye - The Xenophobes Guide to the Danes

Denmark is a Scandinavian country, but not a very Scandinavian country. It has no midnight sun, no ski-jumps and no reindeer.

Outsiders tend to think of the Scandinavians as all the same, but they are not. The Norwegians are like the Scots; a hardy mountain folk. Swedes are the Prussians of the North; they stand up straight, dress alike and do what they are told. The Danes are more relaxed and easy-going. They sit down: it increases the chances of everyone seeing eye to eye.

The differences between these three peoples are best understood by considering the most famous writer of each country: Hans Christian Andersen for Denmark, Ibsen for Norway and Strindberg for Sweden.

Denmark is a Scandinavian country, but not a very Scandinavian country.

They are also reflected in attitudes to alcohol. In Denmark alcohol is freely available and relatively cheap. In Norway and Sweden alcohol is pricey and sales are under state control; a licence is needed not just to sell alcohol, but to buy it. This is good news for Copenhagen bars, which do a lively trade selling Danish firewater to thirsty Swedes and Norwegians on the razzle. No Swedish politician would ever be seen with a beer in his hand, but Danes are happy to see Danish politicians not only holding a beer, but drinking it although they baulk at footing the bill if its done outside office hours.

The Danes think of their neighbours as they would members of their family. Denmark is the baby sister whose idea of fun occasionally shocks.

The Danes think of their neighbours as they would members of their family. Denmark is the baby sister whose idea of fun occasionally shocks. The other Scandinavian countries are of course brothers. Finland is the one who is moody, unpredictable and possibly autistic. Norway is accepted as equal, perhaps even slightly envied for its oil wealth, natural beauty and exclusivity. Sweden is the boring older brother who thinks he knows best, is well dressed, well behaved and infuriatingly politically correct. However, Sweden offers lower tax, cheaper housing and luxury cars at giveaway prices compared with Denmark. Younger Danes have a sneaking admiration for the Swedes that they try to keep hidden.

The Swedish countryside is much admired and many Danes holiday in Sweden, but they feel somehow that Swedes dont deserve their wonderful surroundings. In Danish eyes Sweden is a cultural and human desert. There are rules about everything and you need a second mortgage to stand a round of drinks. Both countries have fines for dogs fouling the pavement, but in Sweden you actually get caught.

In the spirit of New Europe, Danes try very hard to like the Germans, but its hard work not to bite the hand that feeds them. Danes are convinced that the Germans are trying to take over Europe, cunningly disguised as tourists. They are intensely concerned that the plse tyskere (sausage Germans) will buy Jutland as soon as they get the chance and turn it into a windsurfing centre. Germans regularly fall asleep on their sailboards and have to be fished out of the North Sea halfway to Grimsby by the long-suffering Danish air-sea rescue service. All the summer houses are rented out to Germans, there are even German editions of local newspapers, and L EGOLAND , complete with a part of the Rhein Valley, is filled to the brim with Germans determined to enjoy themselves.

However, Germans are more acceptable if they buy plenty of Danish products. They are also partially forgiven for being German if they employ Danes in their businesses.

The Danes attribute their success to having all the virtues of their neighbours and none of their vices.

Inflation in Denmark is negligible, the economy is strong and technical development is world-class not bad for a country with a population roughly that of South London. The Danes attribute this success to their having all the virtues of their neighbours and none of their vices. They share the Germans methodical attention to detail and the Swedes egalitarianism and level-headedness. Gone is the plodding, constipated German imagination (or lack of it) and the dreary Swedish party-pooping pedantry. According to the Danes, whats left is a unique mixture of conscientiousness and informality that makes Danish overseas travellers breathe a sigh of relief when they cross the border home.