Nick Yapp - The Xenophobes Guide to the French

To give their own feeling of superiority some validity, the French are generously prepared to accept that other nations have to exist. But do not expect the French to be politically correct in anything they do. They can be racist, chauvinistic and xenophobic, but always with great charm, and whereas the English would feel guilty for having such sentiments, the French believe that its natural.

They find the Spanish proud but noisy, and believe they produce more wine than is healthy for the vineyards of the Midi. Although Spanish wine may be substandard to the taste buds of the French, a existe an ominous phrase

They find the Spanish proud but noisy, and believe they produce more wine than is healthy for the vineyards of the Midi.

They see the English as small-minded, uncultured, faintly ridiculous, badly dressed; a nation of people who spend most of their time gardening, playing cricket and drinking thick, sweet, warm beer in pubs. Yet they remain curious about them. They may refer to English day-trippers to Calais as les fuck-offs and still regard the British generally as perfide (because the French jury is still out on the little matter of whether or not Napoleon was poisoned while on St. Helena). The Scots are viewed in an entirely different light: apart from their historic ties, they supply malt whisky.

The French dont dislike the Germans but they are not fond of them. They are willing to acknowledge their industrial supremacy but regard their culture as inferior to their own. This is not discrimination. In their view, every other culture is inferior to their own. They also feel politically superior to the Germans since the Germans lost all international presence when they were stripped of their colonies after the First World War. The French may no longer own much of the world, but French law, language and culture persist in every continent.

The French may no longer own much of the world, but French law, language and culture persist in every continent.

Despite their reservations and however uncomfortable they find the thought, the French have much in common with the Germans a sense of formality, a reserve, a concept of racial purity, a belief in an historical destiny.

The exceptions to this admiringdisliking axis are the Swiss and the Belgians. The Swiss are objects of merciless satire in French television commercials. They may be hospitable, but they are obsessively clean and speak French in a most odd fashion.

Because the French value style in everything they do, they have contempt for the Belgians, who they see as universally dull and totally lacking in finesse. To the French, the Belgians have always been bte , thick, and they are the butt of an endless stream of French jokes, e.g:

Two Belgian soldiers are sleeping under a tree.

Suddenly a terrible rumbling sound awakes them.

Hell and death, says the first. A storm!

No, says the other, those are bombs.

Thank God for that, says the first. Im terrified of thunder.

A little envy has crept into these jokes now that the French realise the Belgians have a better standard of living than they do.