Louis James - The Xenophobes Guide to the Austrians

A German historian once remarked a trifle ungraciously that Bavarians were the missing link between Austrians and human beings. He obviously forgot that the ancient Austrians actually came from Bavaria, give or take a few Alemanni.

The German view of Austrians has not mellowed with the passing of time. Hordes of Germans certainly come to beautiful Austria for skiing, hiking and sex; even the huge former German Chancellor, Helmut Kohl, used to spend his summer vacation at the Austrian lakes, trying unsuccessfully to lose weight. Unfortunately, this tended to reinforce the image of Austria as a place where you go when you are not being entirely serious, and of the Austrians as a not entirely serious people.

The Germans feel that the Austrians have a tendency to Schlamperei (sloppiness or muddle).

The Germans feel that the Austrians, especially the Viennese, have a tendency to Schlamperei (sloppiness or muddle), which the locals do not seem to view as a failing. (This characteristic was described by a more tolerant Englishman as a sort of laziness, an easy-going spirit which quickly degenerates into slackness. It is shared by the highest and the lowest, causing the former to lose battles, the latter to forget errands.)

The German view of Austrian incompetence is no doubt rooted in history, for the Habsburg armies lost battles to the Prussians with monotonous regularity. The greatest catastrophe was Kniggrtz (Sadowa, 1866), when Austrian soldiers rendered every possible assistance to the oppositions artillery by sporting decorative white uniforms, and the Austrian generals could not comprehend why the enemy consistently refused to adhere to the battle plan which they had patiently worked out in elegant manuvres at home. As one commander plaintively remarked after the defeat: It always worked so well on the Schmelz (then the military parade and exercise ground in Vienna). Germans are mystified by the Austrians delight in telling this story against themselves. To a Prussian, self-irony about military defeats is a self-indulgence only too likely to lead to more of them.

The Austrian generals could not comprehend why the enemy consistently refused to adhere to the battle plan which they had patiently worked out.

Another German observation concerns the legendary (and largely mythical) Austrian meanness, the implication being that at least one nation is even more careful with money than are the Germans themselves. A man from Mnich gives a lift home to a Viennese. The Viennese does not offer to pay for petrol; what is more, he demands that they make an enormous detour to include the suburb of a town where he claims to have business. When they get there, it turns out he has 12 returnable bottles in the boot of the car. An advertisement in a Viennese paper had alerted him to the fact that a shop in this suburb pays 5 cents more for empties than anywhere else in Vienna. Seeing the look on the face of his German friend, he hastily offers to pay for the extra petrol. In the end he pays the equivalent of 36 Euros to save 60 cents.

The Hungarians have learnt to regard their neighbours with some affection, particularly the proprietors of cut-price computer shops and used car lots. Budapestians live in daily expectation, or at least hope, of a wall of money from Austrian investors. Border villagers put up signs, with inscriptions in German, advertising hairdressers , dentists and more arcane wares.

An Austrian marrying into the controlled hysteria of a Hungarian family finds it is just like being at home, only more so.

Whatever the economic situation, Austro-Hungarian liaisons still occur. The substantial areas of common ground between the two usually ensure that they function well. An Austrian marrying into the controlled hysteria of a Hungarian family finds it is just like being at home, only more so, and a Hungarian finds that his Austrian in-laws cook mountains of heavy, calorie-rich food and force him to eat every scrap of it, just like his mother.

Austrians and Hungarians are not divided by a common language, as are Austrians and Germans, or English and Americans. The Hungarian therefore learns German, which for him is the language of money and career advancement, and charms everybody with his picturesque vowels and quaint Magyar idioms. None of his Austrian in-laws is so foolish as to attempt Hungarian which everyone knows is impossible, and he can thus continue to speak uninhibitedly on the family phone to his dodgy business friends in Budapest.