Berkoff - Steven Berkoff: One Act Plays

All actors need an agent. It is a perennial refrain. An agent often becomes more than a person who scours the market for good and well-paid jobs. They frequently become good friends allies in times of need, a confidante, psychiatrist, mother. Moreover, a well-known and respected agent raises an actors sense of worth, for an actor will tolerate a second-rate agent in the hope that eventually they will secure an upgrade, better than nothing.

John, actor between thirty and forty. Desperate for an agent

Bruce, actor, his friend and sympathiser, aged thirty to forty

John So, I finished my performance last night and the agent didnt come, didnt turn up She said she was coming so I made a bit of an effort pulled out a few stops but when I went to the bar she wasnt there

Bruce Thats a bitch

John Wasnt there. I came out like full of enthusiasm, cause I thought Id done well, and she wasnt there Bloody hell, what do you have to do to get an agent nowadays?

Bruce I know what you mean.

John A decent agent.

Bruce Yeah.

John I mean I was wired up last night, yeah, and a tad nervous, like knowing she was in, but it was a good night, could have been a dodgy one, but it was a good one, got some good laughs, smallish house but enthusiastic, so I came out, you know, a bit expectant, and she wasnt there

Bruce Thats a choker

John Aint it just! Used to have a good agent was really good chased down work for you hustled, networked didnt just wait for the phone to ring, he went out he was a hunter.

Bruce Thats what you need

John A hunter wined and dined them, first-name terms with all the casting agents turned up at my first nights, even in some back-street dump he was there!

Bruce So what happened to him?

John Yeah, well, he let me go yeah!

Bruce And he was so good for you?

John He was, he loved me but he had to let me go.

Bruce What a choker

John Was going through a bit of a quiet period you know s natural from time to time so you keep your head down you know go to the gym, bit of teaching, catch a mates show but youre just a bit edgy so sometimes the odd call helps Right? Sweetens the bitterness.

Bruce Know what you mean.

John Course you do!

Bruce Yeah, Ive been there

John Course you have, we all have.

Bruce Tell me about it!

John For sure! So I hadnt heard for a while bit longer than usual, and like, once or twice a week Id check in you know, not nag, not one of those nagging actors who drive agents crazy.

Bruce Yeah, I know a few!

John Just a quick chat, check in, hows it going, you know and he says, Hang in there, kid, youre up for this and that, that and this, theyre hot for you on that, we should hear soon, shortlisted for a TV series, you know, agent waffle, but it calms you.

Bruce Sure, some human contact.

John Yeah, but not just that, I mean not just offering you the tit of human kindness, but filling you in

Bruce Course! You need that, gotta know whats going on, how its shaping up not kept in the dark right.

John Xactly! So I rang just my usual bi-weekly call the secretary, his secretary, says, Hes in Cannes. Hes in Cannes, like hes gone to the moon, like theres no phones in France, like you cant phone from France.

Bruce She means hes busy, busy hustling, too busy to talk to you!

John I know that! Course I know that! Im no fool, I know hes busy, hes hustling, but it was the tone of the bitch That bitch had a tone, you know, that sound of smirk that runs through the bitch, like my knees should buckle when she says Cannesand like youre at the bottom of the pile

Bruce Fucking secretaries, tell me about it!

John Course, youve been there, you know

Bruce Oh, dont I!

John Like theyre protecting the Crown Jewels, yeah, like they never sweated over anything in their lives, never broke their balls over any fucking thing, dont have the faintest idea of what makes an actor tick

Bruce Course they dont, thats why theyre secretaries

John Too stupid to know that a gentle word can change your whole day, how a decent sound, a friendly sound can touch you, lighten you up.

Bruce Hey! Thats for sure.

John So she said, Hes in Cannes.

Bruce Yeah, like you said, hes on the moon.

John Okay, I said. Okay. You know the telephones come a long way since it was invented, yeah, no disrespect, I said, but one can fucking call, even from Cannes!

Bruce You said fucking, you said that?

John Yeah, I fucking said that, like I couldnt care less that he was in Cannes, I know hes got to hustle, what pulled my chain was that fucking supercilious tone, thats what fucked me over, that slimy tone, that upper-class sneer from that parasitic bitch!

Bruce Yeah, so what did she say?

John She said, wait for it John, would you please not be so rude to me. I cant help it if hes in Cannes and p-lease dont raise your voice!

Bruce OH! Oh!

John I said, Listen you vacuous bitch, you calling me rude? Your whole being is rude If you communicated one ounce of warmth, if you demonstrated just one ounce of care youre a bridge between an actor and his agent not a fucking jail door!

Bruce Thats good, youre right a bridge.

John Not a fucking mine field, you have to crawl through on hands and knees!

Bruce Ha ha! So what did the bitch say to that?

John Nothing she hung up! Yeah, she hung up!

Bruce Course! You rattled her cage so what happened?

John What happened? The bum dropped me!

Bruce What, your agent dropped you over his bloody secretary?!

John Yea! Amazing isnt it the bitch did me in and he dropped me over a bitch! Secretary!

Bruce Shit, thats not only bad, its stupid.

John Yeah, best agent I ever had.

Bruce Shit, thats terrible, what he say?

John He actually rang back! Yeah, within ten minutes she must have blurted out all the venom in the bitchs soul made me out to be Hannibal Lecter!

Bruce Of course! Laid it on with a trowel, no doubt!

John So he said John, I love you but Ive got to let you go! Thats what he said. You cant keep abusing my staff Its true, Im not getting you as much work for you like in the old days so maybe youre under a bit of stress changing agents might change your luck Thats what he said I could never forget it Never! At least he was real was human.

Bruce At least he got right back to you.

John Yeah, well, thats the least he could do but what a bitch, eh?

Bruce Yeah, well, the masters slave is known to be zealous.

John They can poison the atmosphere

Bruce Only if the boss allows it, if he allows his slaves to treat his clients like toe-rags Doesnt say much for him.