Bob Tarte - Fowl Weather

FOWL WEATHER

Also by Bob Tarte
Enslaved by Ducks

by BOB TARTE

Published by
ALGONQUIN BOOKS OF CHAPEL HILL
Post Office Box 2225
Chapel Hill, North Carolina 27515-2225

a division of
Workman Publishing
225 Varick Street
New York, New York 10014

2007 by Bob Tarte. All rights reserved.
Printed in the United States of America.
Published simultaneously in Canada by Thomas Allen & Son Limited.
Design by Anne Winslow.

While the people, places, and events described in the following pages are real, location and human names have been changed for the sake of privacy.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Tarte, Bob.
Fowl weather / by Bob Tarte.
p. cm.
ISBN-13: 978-1-56512-502-5 (hardcover)
ISBN-10: 1-56512-502-9 (hardcover)

1. PetsMichiganLowellAnecdotes. 2. AnimalsMichigan
LowellAnecdotes. 3. Human-animal relationshipsMichigan
LowellAnecdotes 4. Tarte, Bob. I. Title.
SF416.T38 2007
636.08870977455dc22 2006027491

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
First Edition

To My Mom

Listed more or less in order of appearance and by type.

NONHUMAN

Indoor Birds

Ollie: the Mussolini of Brotogeris pocket parrots

Stanley Sue: endearing African grey Timneh parrot

Howard: ring-necked dove whos anything but peaceful

Dusty: knot-tying Congo African grey parrot

Louie: proud male cockatiel who surprised us with an egg

Bella: gentle but ear-biting African grey Timneh parrot

Indoor Mammals

Agnes: take-charge outdoor cat

Bertie: ultimately tailless Netherland Dwarf bunny

Walter: lumbering Checkered Giant rabbit

Rudy: cuddly escape-artist dwarf bunny

Moobie: insists her cat water bowl be held for her

Penny: upstairs hidey cat

Frieda: tonnage masquerading as a New Zealand rabbit

Outdoor Birds

Liza and Hailey: African goose sisters

Victor: Muscovy duck who prefers chomping watermelon to Bob

Louie/Lulu: spoiled white Pekin duck

Hamilton: menacing alpha-male Muscovy duck

Ramone: the worlds shyest Muscovy duck

Richie: ladies man white Pekin duck

Buffy: Buff Orpington hen, possibly a philosopher

Matthew: considers topknot hairdos an affront to geese

Angel and Patty: presumed goose brother and sister

HUMAN

Bob Tarte: long-suffering author

Linda Tarte: long-suffering authors put-upon wife

Bobs mom: Bobs mom

Joan Smith: Bobs sister whos enslaved by ferrets

Bette Ann Worley (Bett): Bobs organizational-genius sister

Eileen Kucek: grade school classmate turned grade A nuisance

Judy Teany: well-meaning neighbor to Bobs mom

Mrs. Martoni: or is it Martini?

Henry Murphy: master gardener who tramples plants

Marge Chedrick: tireless wildlife rehabber

Kate: owner of spoiled house duck Louie/Lulu

Dr. Hedley: zoo vet genius

Bo: co-owner of the Weigh and Pay restaurant

Roswitha: Bob and Lindas neighbor on the river

Dr. Fuller: avian vet extraordinaire

INHUMARN

Noises in the night: only Bob seems to hear them

Ed: a sock monkey

Hose demon: sinister force that snags and kinks garden hoses

Telephone: brings one dollop of unpleasantness after another

Bill Holm: two-dimensional buddy to Bob

Moms purse: frequently hides in the bread drawer

Bobo the Roller Clown: precipitator of coincidences

FOWL WEATHER

Linda sprang up from her chair to reheat her food in the microwave yet again. Ollie, if you dont let me eat, Im going to brain you. She was talking to a little green parrot slightly larger than a parakeet. Im not shaking the pill bottle. We dont fight with the pill bottle at dinner. We eat our peas.

His squawking distracted me just long enough for my parrot Stanley Sue to twist the spoon from my hand, spilling mashed potatoes; the spoon clattered to the linoleum and sent her flying across the room in fright. The passage of Stanley Sue attracted the ire of Howard the dove, who considered the dining room airspace exclusively his own. From his perch on top of the refrigerator, he took off in pursuit of Stanley Sue, just as she chose the worst possible spot to make her landing, clinging like a thistle to the side of large Congo African grey parrot Dustys cage.

Dusty, no!

I had no chance of reaching Stanley Sue before Dusty could bite her feet through the bars, so I snatched a place mat and hurled it toward the greys. Although the missile hit the parakeet cage instead, it succeeded in launching Stanley Sue a second time. Dusty banged to the floor of his cage, Ollie sailed haplessly toward the window, and a panicky Howard shot into the living room, where black cat Agnes lay observing the melee from the back of the couch.

Get Howard! Linda hollered, but he wasnt in danger. Lighting on the coat rack out of reach of the bored cat, he flicked his wings and hooted his indignity at the inconvenience of it all. By the time I had extracted Howards toes from Lindas scarf, Stanley Sue had waddled across the floor and climbed to the top of her cage, where she clucked in anticipation of the next spoonful of food as if nothing unusual had happened.

Agnes! Dusty called in a perfect yet somehow unflattering imitation of my voice. Come here, Agnes. But he didnt fool the cat.

As I stepped back into the dining room cupping Howard in my hands, my big toe failed to clear the two-foot-high plywood board that theoretically bunny-proofed the rest of the house, knocking it to the floor with a familiar thwack. Linda bent down to maneuver it back into position, but not before tiny, donkey-colored Bertie charged the breach and disappeared into the living room. I plopped Howard into his cage, then joined Linda in the rabbit hunt.

Oh, no, you didnt go there? she groaned. My back cant take this. But he had. Energized by his escape, Bertie had managed to scrabble over the TV tray that I had angled between a stereo speaker and the wall to prevent him from hiding behind the entertainment centerexactly where he had wedged himself.

Taking advantage of our absence, Agnes bounded over the board and into the dining room for a closer look at the birds. Scolding chirps advertised her presence. Im watching you, I informed her.

Kneeling in front of the almighty television, I flung open a cabinet door of the entertainment center, surprising Bertie just long enough for me to snatch him up with one hand and extend him toward Linda, who reached the dining room just as the board tipped over again in protest. Catching Lindas admonishing glare, Agnes fled down the stairs to the basement. I slammed the door shut behind her.

Can we eat in peace now? Linda asked the room as she replaced the board for what she hoped would be the last time that evening.

I doubt it, I muttered darkly.

THE WEIRD SOUNDS outside the window didnt penetrate the haze of my bad mood at first. Stanley Sues bell was still clattering around inside my head. Three times she had rattled her bell since dinner, demanding a peanut. Three times, when I had lifted her cage cover, she had refused to take it. Finally, after I had cajoled her with baby talk, she had deigned to pluck the nut from my fingers, only to hurl it to the floor of her cage.