Nicola I. Campbell - Spílexm: A Weaving of Recovery, Resilience, and Resurgence

fall and winter, spring and summer,

mommy dances on a chair as mice run around.

i sit on the potty looking down

while frogs sing from underground.

yellow house, yellow house warm and safe.

Great-Grandpa brought it piece by piece

budda-bump budda-bump on horse and wagon

from nwyc to spttk w place names

a real long time ago.

yellow house, yellow house inside and out,

a-frame roof and attic

wooden cupboards, wooden floors,

wooden ledges, wooden porch.

frame, brace, and two-by-four,

nails, screws, and paint.

root cellar, yxkn, chicken coop, storage shed

red barns and corrals across the road.

Great-Grandpa built them all.

children be careful as you play,

be careful as you run through the doorway.

theres a wood stove in the middle

and that fire is burning bright.

Whered Mommy go? I am in the doorway of my goddaddys bedroom. Sometimes I stay with my young mom, sometimes I stay with my aunties, and sometimes I stay with my godparents. I love staying with my godparents, but Im only allowed to stay if they arent drinking. Next to my young mommy, my godmommy is my favourite person in the whole wide world.

I dont know where she is, Baby. Go look in her bedroom.

Hmph. I turn and march back through the kitchen. One Cent, our fat old Siamese cat, is sprawled across the living room floor licking her paws, tail twitching. My godparents have four dogs: Noopy is black, Tina is light brown, and both are Chihuahuas; Lady looks like shes from the movie Lady and the Tramp; Tiny is our lassie dog, and he stays outside. They always sit right beside my mommy, unless Im home. But I cant find any of them. My godmommy bought a brand-new tube of Speed Sew from the fabric store in town and I want to Speed Sew something. If you dont know, Speed Sew is a special glue used for sewing fabric together really fast. Her bedroom door is closed. I turn the doorknob, but the door wont move.

Mommy? Are you in there? Noopy yips in response. I call my godmommy Mommy, too. People always get confused. So everywhere we go, I have to explain that I have two moms: a young mom and a mom who is an Elder. I trace the wood grain with my finger and find the Grandmother and Grandfather faces there. I see them everywhere: in patterns on the tile floor or ceiling, in trees and dirt, in shadows, and even in my mush. Dannys room is right next door.

I stand in his doorway with my toes and my nose inside. Im not allowed in Dannys room when hes not home. Dannys my godbrother and hes a teenager. He wears Wrangler jeans and a western belt, and he competes in high school rodeos. He has tiny paints and soft paintbrushes, triangle banners on his ceiling, neatly organized stacks of records, and a record player. My favourite songs are My White Bicycle and This Flight Tonight by Nazareth.

My goddaddy and Danny do steer roping at Indian rodeos too. Theyre fast and strong on their horses. When we travel, we pack the day before and load the horse trailer and horses right before we head out of town, leaving lonely dogs and a trail of dust at home. The rodeo grounds are a hubbub of activity: cowgirls and cowboys with their horses tied to horse trailers; the crowd cheering for the clown; anxious calves and bulls waiting in the corrals. Im this close to painting at Dannys desk when I hear my godmommys voice through the closed door.

Yes, Babygirl.

What you doing? Her dresser drawer is scraping closed.

Ill be out in a few minutes, go play. I stare at the painted door.

But I dont want to! I want to come in there. I shake the doorknob. She slid the butter knife under the doorframe to lock the door closed, I just know it. Noopy starts to whine.

Ill be out soon. Noopy, sit down.

Mommy! I want to come in right now! Dannys paints dont matter anymore. I shake the knob again. I wanna Speed Sew too! I hear the tinkle of Noopys bell and the clickety-clack of his claws on the floor. Then hes whining and scratching at the door too.

Not right now, Baby. After. Mommys busy, go play.

No, I dont want to play! Why wont she let me in? Since when? Let me in! I turn the knob, bang hard with my fist balled up tight. Mommy! I holler and frown at the Grandmother and Grandfather faces on the door, then slide to the floor. I start crying the blues and Noopy joins me from the other side of the door. Finally, the bed squeaks and the door swings wide and shes standing there. My godmommy has one blue eye and one brown eye, and her auburn hair is in a long, wispy braid. She likes to wear slacks and sweaters.

Come in, then. I stand up and walk into her room wiping tears from my eyes. Tina and Lady, those traitors, are lying on her bed. Noopy dances at my feet, licking my hands. I wipe his tears and hug him. Were both happy.

Mommy always keeps a clean house, but her bedroom is another story. Her dressers are overflowing. She has things stacked everywhere: coats, bras, dresses, blouses on hangers and stacked on chairs, two holy bibles and jewelry boxes on her dresser. She has a drawer loaded with tiny, mini lipsticks and jewelry: clip-on rhinestone earrings, rhinestone necklaces, and rosaries. Mary the virgin and jesus christ stand in solemn solidarity on her walls.

Whatcha doing? On her bed I see the Speed Sew, along with some foam, and a big pair of silver and black scissors. This is exactly where I want to be.

You just never mind. Im busy.

I wanna Speed Sew something. I like Speed Sew. I want some of that. I point to the foam. She has a pink quilt and her bed is neatly fixed. The door is closed, and the butter knife is back in place. Noopy curls up beside me and I get right to work. Mommy draws circles on the foam with a black felt pen. Then she cuts the circles out with her black and silver scissors. My young mom is always busy doing things with her hands, too. She likes to crochet and sew with her sewing machine. Shes been gone for a while now. I feel the thickness expand in my throat; my eyes well and my chest is heavy. When is my real mommy coming back, Mommy?

Hmm? Shell come back soon, Babygirl. She always comes back. I try not to feel sad. Shes still in the hospital because something happened. Something happened to her and shes all bandaged up. I try not to worry but I always worry about both of them. They both had long hair, but now my young moms hair is all gone.

My godmommy goes to the hospital too sometimes. One time her wrists were in bandages and she had tubes attached to her nose and arm. She takes medicine from the doctor every day. Sometimes she takes too much. My godmommy always says, If it wasnt for you, Babygirl, I wouldnt be here. I wonder and wonder, what do those words mean? I dont like the hospital.

I use the black pen and scissors and cut my foam into circles too. Then I Speed Sew them together. She glues foam circles to the inside of a pair of brand-new stretchy panties, the kind with the girdle that holds her tummy in. Speed Sew is rolled up in gooey balls all over my fingers. When I look up, shes wearing those stretchy panties and the foam makes her bum huge. Then she pulls on her slacks. She stands in front of the mirror looking at it from side to side.