Alexandra Lydon - Worst Laid Plans: When Bad Sex Happens to Good People

Praise for WORST LAID PLANS

I admit to being attracted to most of the women in this book, so reading it was an embarrassing sexual experience in itself. This is the best kind of comedy; that which makes you both laugh and erect.

Rob Corddry (The Daily Show)

Worst Laid Plans is irrefutable evidence that one should wait until marriage to have sex.

Joel McHale (The Soup, Community)

This collection of stories will make you scream, blush, wince, cringe, gag, and laugh out loud. Mainly, reading this book will make you feel thankful. Thankful these brave foot soldiers entered battle and lived to tell about it. All you have to do is curl up with a bottle of pinot grigio and a bag of mint milanos and settle in for an evening you wont have to regret later.

Casey Wilson (SNL, Bride Wars)

They say that truth is comedy, and it cant get any truthier than people telling stories about bad sex.

Matt Besser (founding member of the Upright Citizens Brigade)

Hilarious. This is the kind of book you dont take home to meet the parents.

Teri Polo (Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers, Little Fockers)

Good book. Good dames.

Tony Sirico (The Sopranos)

These outrageous stories are both hilarious and full of truth. What was great onstage is an even better read from the privacy of your own home!

Alison Brie (Community, Mad Men)

This book boldly goes where no book has ever gone before. You know what? It goes boldly where no porn has ever gone before. Where this book goes Tommy Lee hasnt even gone! It will make you laugh, it will make you cry (if youre as emotionally unstable as I am) and it will make you worried about the psychical and mental health of us Worst Laid Plans-ers.

Whitney Cummings (Chelsea Lately)

In the interest of maintaining the privacy of the individuals whose stories are dicussed herein, many names, places, and other identifying characteristics have been changed.

Based on the stage show created by Alexandra Lydon and Laura Kindred

ISBN 978-0-8109-8902-3

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Worst laid plans : when bad sex happens to good people : true tales / edited by Alexandra Lydon and Laura Kindred.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-0-8109-8902-3

1. SexHumor. 2. SexMiscellanea. I. Lydon, Alexandra. II. Kindred, Laura.

HQ25.W67 2010

306.77dc22

2009046123

Text copyright 2010 Alexandra Lydon and Laura Kindred
Cover photo 2010 Alexis Cassar

Published in 2010 by Abrams Image, an imprint of ABRAMS.
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

Abrams Image books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use. Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact specialmarkets@abramsbooks.com, or the address below.

115 West 18th Street
New York, NY 10011
www.abramsbooks.com

The following stories are based on true events. Some names and key details have been changed to protect the guilty.

Except for Raymond.

This ones for you... wherever you are.

TABLE OF EXPLICIT CONTENT:

When bad sex happens to good people, theres no recourse like full disclosure.

ABOUT THE STAGE SHOW

Worst Laid Plans premiered at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Los Angeles in July 2007. It was conceived by Laura Kindred and Alexandra Lydon following a particularly noteworthy coital catastrophe on foreign soil. For the full story, please skip ahead to The Farting Rapist. The next morning, while regrouping and attempting to regain lost dignity, these two friends discovered bad sexs greatest palliative: disclosure.

After sharing this hard-won revelation, they gathered a dream team of performers to create the stage show Worst Laid Plans: True Stories of Terrible Sex. And like a venereal disease, the word spread, creating a surge of graphic co-misery. The show continues to run at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Los Angeles and New York City, and has welcomed such celebrity comediennes as Janeane Garofalo, Amy Poehler, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Laraine Newman, and many more.

Having enjoyed such success in the oral tradition, it has come time for these sexual tragedies to be immortalized in print.

FOREWORD by Laraine Newman

All roads lead to sex. Its the reason we strive. Strive for excellence, piety, beauty, discovery, invention, and conquest.

Dont kid yourself. Do you really think Leonard Susskind, known as the father of string theory, pursued theoretical physics and quantum mechanics in order to satisfy his need for symmetry in the universe? Fuck no. It was for the chicks!

Sex is the motivator. It inspires us to greatness.

Regrettably as you will see in this book, it also takes people of great sensitivity and otherwise inherent dignity and puts a filthy boot on their necks.

In these pages, you will be privy to the experiences of the brave soldiers who have fallen on the swords of sexual folly and its many nasty cousinsso wide-ranging and wondrous, you can bet a pimpled porn stars ass theres something here for everyone.

Whats ironic is that it takes considerable objectivity and a, you should excuse the expression (since this condition is so often absent in these escapades), sober eye, to be able to bring these stories to you with such honesty, wit, and perspective.

After seeing the stage show and laughing so hard my lungs hurt, I felt a sense of longing. Is this it? I thought, I want more.

So, here, people, are the keys to the kingdom.

Worst Laid Plans is a hilarious testimonial to the vast array of consequences we face after having ignored that little voice inside that says: Dont. This isnt a good idea. Leave now.

INTRODUCTION

Alex and Laura here. Your editors.

Like the kid who kicked you in the crotch in third grade, wed like to start by saying:

Youre welcome.

Weve all been there. Weve all had that moment. You look back and remember when you made that crucial decision and realize why: You just got dumped; you had eight whiskeys; sure, shes batshit insane, but shes also a model. You had your reasons. And then the aftermath. You take in your surroundings and see his sheets are printed with cartoon characters. You sober up with two sets of hands in your nethers and remember you have a boyfriend. Yes, your pap smear is, and now forever will be, abnormal. Youre fuckedfiguratively and literally.

But youre not alone.

What connects us as human beings are the fundamental needs we all share: to be seen, to be loved, to not have ejaculate thrown in our faces. To be understood. In our quest to find these things we can run up against the unexpected obstacle or the occasional setback: low self-esteem, extreme intoxication, Craigslist.

And thats okay. If this book has any message, any wisdom to dispense at all, its just that: