Elaine Bass - A Secret Madness: The Story of a Marriage

A Secret Madness

I read it once and then I started over again. It is compelling and heartbreaking. At once an exposition of a married womans life in the second half of the twentieth century; an account of obsessive compulsive disorder, a struggle for sanity within a destructive marriage and a must read for psychotherapists and counsellors who are allowed to enter the troubling state of mind of a man anguished by repetitive thoughts and the isolation it produced. Susie Orbach

Many touching moments [a] remarkable book. Hilary Spurling, Daily Telegraph

She is a keenly observant writer who maintains a fine balance between the drama of her failing marriage and her awakening, independent self. Julie Wheelwright, Independent

Its a harrowing and thought-provoking book, and should cure any nostalgia for the way we lived in the fifties. The reader feels the authors lonely plight acutely. And one must admire a woman, isolated and unsupported, who uses her own intelligence to construct sense in the strange and frightening world into which her marriage took her. And one who has such emotional stamina. Hilary Mantel

Countless lessons can be learnt by reading A Secret Madness. Dr Thomas Stuttaford, The Times

This is a study in saintly forbearance, but also in the innocence of a time that knew little of OCD, was shocked by sexual deviance, and when the Freudian precepts we take for granted were not yet in place. Lesley White, Sunday Times

Bass has written a powerful and emotive book. Saga

Written with compassion, honesty and complete openness against a background of remembered love, tenderness and caring, I was moved to tears. John Weller, Hull Daily Mail

Truly amazing. Nottingham Evening Post

A poignant and brave account of a marriage struggling to survive against the dark shadows of an illness for which there is still no cure. Essential reading for anyone attempting to understand and cope with OCD. Shereen Low, Birmingham Post

What shes achieved is quite remarkable no ordinary book. Sue Cooke, Womans Weekly

I would not have sought to read this book. I am glad I had the opportunity. Peter Campbell, Openmind

ELAINE BASS is eighty-four-years old. She has two children and lives with her second husband in Norfolk. This is her first book.

A Secret Madness

The Story of a Marriage

ELAINE BASS

This paperback edition published in 2007

First published in Great Britain in 2006 by

PROFILE BOOKS LTD

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London EC1R 0JH

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Copyright Elaine Bass, 2006, 2007

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Typeset in Goudy Old Style by MacGuru Ltd

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Printed and bound in Great Britain by

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All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the publisher of this book.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

eISBN 978-1-84765-086-3

For my daughter

Contents

I know youll think Im mad, Gerald says.

He pauses as I look up from my book, then he quickly turns his head away and stares at the fire, and I know then that were back to last nights trouble. He had come home a worrying three hours late from one of his cinema matinees looking gaunt and ill, in a state of shock, hardly able to move or speak. Dont question me now, he muttered, waving me away. He didnt even check the Radio Times, though there was usually something he had earmarked. Hunched in his chair he ate his shepherds pie in complete silence while I choked my own food down along with my questions.

Tonight, after worrying about it all day at the office I came home to find him apparently recovered. He wanted to listen to a Shaw play on the radio, then we began to read, and I wondered if last night would ever be mentioned again.

He was still staring at the fire. I closed my book and leaned back in the chair, trying to ignore the rising fears and find the right expression to encourage a confidence. Impassive was probably the safest, or as near to it as I could get.

At last he looked up, and the fears edged their way back like insects crawling up my spine. He was strangely nervous and agitated, his eyes flitting about uncertainly, his fingers fluttering on his lap.

I know we cant afford it, he said, and its a waste of money, but

Yes, darling what what is it?

He took a deep breath. Do you do you think I could go to the cinema again tomorrow?

Such a simple solution to a serious problem! I wanted to laugh aloud in relief, though it was odd that he should suddenly want to go again when he usually showed no interest for weeks on end. Very odd. And very puzzling.

When we had married we had given up our London jobs to go in search of country life and immediately fell under the spell of Devon, and wanted to stay here for good. I quickly found secretarial work, but after two years Gerald had still not been able to find any kind of clerical job, and to relieve the monotony of the long days at home he sometimes took the bus to a cinema matinee in Plymouth. Provincial salaries were low and any extra expense was a worry, but if he wanted to go again

Of course you can go, I said in a cheerful voice.

He looked no less worried.

Is that all, darling?

No, you dont understand, I With a despairing shake of the head he suddenly sprang from his chair and strode over to the window. He pulled the curtain aside and stood looking out into the dark, and I waited with growing impatience. But when at last he turned round he still couldnt bring himself to speak. I could hardly bear to watch as he fumbled in his jacket pocket for cigarettes and matches and then broke three matches before getting his cigarette alight. I looked down in embarrassment. This wasnt Gerald. It was nothing like him.

When I looked up again he was staring straight past me, exhaling cigarette smoke very slowly. How much longer? He let out another long trail of smoke and stood watching it slowly rise until it had completely disappeared. Then he lowered his eyes and met my gaze with a level stare.

Very quietly, with a hint of defiance, he said, I want to go to the same cinema.

The same cinema?

Yes.

He would see the same programme. I tried to hide my amazement. He never wanted to see a film twice. Regardless of any inconvenience, we had to arrive in time for the beginning and leave at the end, though I myself especially if it was a love story would sometimes have liked to stay for a repeat. But my wishes were somehow never mentioned, and neither of us had ever seen anything wrong in that.

Whatever for? I said, careful to betray only mild curiosity; but he still turned away in pique.

Oh, well, if youre going to cross-examine me