Leil Lowndes - How to Feel Confident: Simple Tools for Instant Confidence

Contents

How to Talk to Anyone

How to Make Anyone Like You

How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You

I used to be very shy. I couldnt look people in the face and became red. I was embarrassed and used to sweat in front of others. Due to low self-esteem and slow self-image, I used to feel inferior to others. But then one day I began to question things. I realized that nobody is better than me. Who told me Im no good? I realized that the people who make me feel that way are not in that credible or successful a position themselves. So why would I believe what these people say about me? They were not qualified to make such comments.
TONY V. SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

Think back to your grandparents times, when on-line dating was a twinkle in some yet-unborn techies eyes, and the words pick up meant get your socks off the floor. If Grandma was always in the kitchen at parties, and Grandpa hid out in the bedroom memorizing guests coat labels, you wouldnt be here.

Things havent changed much for those of us who are shy. Well-meaning friends and family still say, Cmon, just force yourself to ... go to the party/ask her for a date/talk to him/request a pay rise/join the conversation/speak up at the meeting ...

Dont they know how hard it is? The anxiety? The wanting to be invisible? The fear youll say something stupid? The sparkling conversations in your head that you dont have the courage to start? Yet you know you have a lot to offer, and if you could just make eye-contact, speak up and stop hiding out in the kitchen at parties, everything would be OK, and you could get on with your life.

When I was a kid, I had all the usual questions, Why is the sky blue? Did Eve have a belly button? What was the best thing before sliced bread?

But Why am I shy? wasnt one of them. I didnt care why. I just wanted a quick cure. However, as a recovered shy, I now realize origins are important. They give you a realistic picture of yourself, what to expect, and how to go about it.

Ive heard Shys speculate ...

It must have been Mum and Dads fault.

Nah, it was those nasty kids in the neighbourhood who called me names.

I think its genetic.

Actually it can be all of the above. You will discover there are several basic types of Shy. You are either a Highly Sensitive Shy (HSS) who was born with a proclivity towards timidity, or a Situational Shy whose parents and youthful experiences deeply affected you. You could be a little bit of both. Each must have different goals, and each can expect different, but remarkable, results.

The 1940s gave us a gift which saved millions of lives. It is called penicillin. Recent years have given us a gift which can save millions the agony of shyness, which is often calledSocial Anxiety Disorder. It is not a drug, but it is a formula. It derives from studies on shyness conducted by pioneering researchers in sociology, psychiatry, genetics, biology, physiology and pharmacology. It sounds complicated but Ive distilled it down to 66 CONFIDENCE BOOSTERs to cure or curtail your shyness.

I know first-hand how excruciating it is. I used to stand on the sidelines at parties wishing my dress matched the wallpaper to make me invisible. Well into my working years, my face turned into a radish whenever I talked to strangers.

I wish Id had this book then. I am gratified I can provide it for you now.

A few notes before you start: First, read sequentially through the book so you will understand the significance of each CONFIDENCE BOOSTER. Then, depending on which are mostchallenging for you personally, you choose the order easiest to most difficult of course.

Each CONFIDENCE BOOSTER is substantiated by the findings of sociologists and both medical and mental health professionals. If youd like more information you can go to the original sources, which are referenced in the back of the book. Shyness research is almost synonymous with the names Zimbardo, Carducci, Kagan and a few others. I am grateful to them, and you will find their names many times in the notes.

The stories come from my own stinging shyness and those of Shys Ive known. Others come from attendees at my shyness seminars. At first I felt inviting people to a Shyness Seminar would be like telling participants at a Fear of Tigers seminar to meet at the tigers cage at the zoo. Happily, however, Shys did come and they shared their experiences openly.

I asked them to e-mail me their triumphs and tribulations so you can read them in their own words. You will also find excerpts from letters that readers of my other books and monthly E-Zine have sent me. At the end of the book there is a list of the first names of those who contributed. Some contributors requested anonymity substitute names are marked with an asterisk.

If you take time to practise each CONFIDENCE BOOSTER, youll soar away from shyness like a butterfly flees its caterpillar prison. I know, because I went from a hermit-teen who was terrified of people to a self-assured woman who now lectures around the country, does media interviews and feels comfortable at any gathering. If these CONFIDENCE BOOSTERs worked for a girl who was shy around her own shadow, they will definitely work for you!

Shyness is a curse. Shyness makes me feel like I am an unwanted guest in everyone elses world. Shyness is the worst personality trait of all, without a doubt. I would rather be obnoxious and boorish than shy. Obnoxious and boorish people dont seem to be too bothered by being obnoxious and boorish at least.
TONY V. SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

Hooked on hide and seek

Have you ever dodged anyone just to avoid making small-talk? All Shys have. If I saw an acquaintance coming towards me, Id cross the street and pray he or she didnt see me. If there were a shop nearby, Id dart into it until the coast was clear.

Some people say theyve had an epiphany at the top of a Himalayan mountain or in a temple in India. Mine was walking along the street. I was window-shopping one Saturday morning when I was a nursery school teacher in Washington DC.

At one point I spotted a fellow teacher strolling towards me. Since I found Mr Fuller quite attractive, the thought of chatting with him was terrifying. In a panic, I dashed into the doorway of the shop I was passing.

I thought I was safe until I heard his voice behind me, Miss Lowndes, what are you doing here? I was trapped like a fly under a glass. I pivoted slowly to venture a weak Hello and, as I was turning, I saw what kind of shop Id taken refuge in. It was a triple-X-rated boutique of adult toys. When I finally mustered the courage to look at his face, Mr Fuller was sporting an enormous grin.

He winked at me and said, Was there anything in particular you were looking for, Miss Lowndes? I bolted past him out the door, dashed down the street, and dove into a respectable shop to sidestep him.

Needless to say, after that fiasco I never again made eye-contact with Mr Fuller. However, whenever we passed in the hall hed say Good morning, Miss Lowndes in a curiously salacious voice for a second-grade teacher.

Hearing his snide voice filled me with fury, not against Mr Fuller, but against my shyness. I declared war on it and was determined to win.

Whenever I avoided anyone on the street, it was a mental relief. I felt good because they didnt see me. I said to myself, OK, I wont do it next time. But I always did.
AMANDA LONDON, ENGLAND

Getting high on avoidance

When Socially Avoidant people evade someone, it is more insidious than just a mental relief. Its not just mental, any more than taking heroin is just mental. Its physiological. You are actually getting a high from the physical feeling, and its harder to resist the next time.