Julius Sharpe - So Youre Going Bald!

B aldness.

Its every mans greatest fearyoull lose your hair, it will ruin your looks and destroy your life. It seems insane that its 2019 and baldness is still legal, yet here we are.

If youre holding this book, its undoubtedly because youre losing hair and youre freaking out. Your head, once a great source of pride and joy, now looks like the landing pad for a drone. Youve long thought of bald people as solitary, pathetic testicles, and the last thing you ever imagined is you would become one yourself. But now its happening and youre terrified, youre ashamed, and you dont know what to do.

But the one thing youre not is... alone. I mean, sure, youre currently by yourself reading, and the person you think of as your best friend would be shocked to hear that. But youre not alone in the larger, universal sense.

More than 40 million American men are bald, yet if you walk into any bookstore, there isnt even a Bald section. Waitit gets worse: there isnt even a single book about going bald. The entire collected knowledge of the history of mankind has zero advice to offer the bald man. Until now.

Look around you: Every single other book in this store is for people with hair. Sure, there are thousands of books about dating, losing weight, and getting rich, but none of them will work for you because theres nothing on top of your head. In fact, the entire world is built for people with hair. Us balds are expected to be thankful just scurrying around in our emotional gulag until were cremated along with all the unwanted cats.

Well, no morewhat you are holding in your hands is more precious than gold, or, depending on when youre reading this, Bitcoin. So Youre Going Bald! is the first-ever book to teach bald and balding men how to succeed in the world. Its part educational, part inspirational, and in an emergency, its even edible. Its a rollicking losing-of-hair memoir, plus a one-stop guide for bald men and the people who claim to love them. By reading it, you can regain everything you used to have: hopes, dreams, passion, excitement. (Basically everything except hair.) So Youre Going Bald! is your new Bible, so you can throw that old Bible away!

And you dont even have to be bald to read it! In fact, if you have hair, this book may be even more important. Just as Angelas Ashes makes you think, My life isnt so badat least Im not an Irish child being beaten, or Fifty Shades of Grey makes you think, Im glad a prominent businessman isnt choking me during sex, So Youre Going Bald! will inspire gratitude. If youre not bald, whatever youre dealing with in lifepoverty, illness, the feeling you own all the wrong shirtsreading this book will show you that anything is surmountable because you have hair.

But most people reading this are bald. And the worst thing about baldnesseven more than the panic and desperationis that theres basically no honest information about whats happening to you and what you can do about it.

Well, for once, youre about to get a straight answer to all your questions about losing your hair and, toward the end, youll also get a ten-minute recipe for salmon. Im not gonna sugarcoat it, my advice or the salmon. Its not going to be easy (baldnessthe salmon is a cinch), but when its over, you will emerge from hair loss a better person, with a quick, antioxidant-rich meal for one.

I will explain your emotional plight and how to overcome it. I will review the current solutions to hair loss and offer real-world recommendations based on my experience. I will tell you how to market yourself to get dates, and what to do on those dates. I will teach you definitively who killed JFK and why. I will instruct you how to be bald at work. I will reveal why God took your hair back. Youll learn all the tips and tricks you need to survive as a bald man, and finally, I will walk you through how to prepare for death and help you plan your eventual funeral. After that, youre on your own.

First and most important, I want to assure you: Even though youre bald, you will be able to have a normal life.

I know it doesnt seem that way. You look around, and it seems like every guy holding hands with a gal has a man bun. Everyone dry humping on the docks has a beautiful pompadour. Every teacup ride is Hair Only. Your bald head on Tinder might as well be a swipe left tattoo. (Left is when you dont want someone, right? Im married and my wife is reading this, so I definitely have no idea how Tinder works, nor do I want to! Endless biweekly monogamous lovemaking is far superior to casual sex with young, polyethnic strangers!)

I understand how everythingjob prospects, love, fun, happinessfeels like its going down the shower drain with your hair, and maybe even your pee, depending on your attitude toward that type of thing. I understand the sleepless nights, the long days, the mornings that actually seem like the right amount of time. I understand the agony you feel looking in the mirror. I understand the excruciating top-of-head sunburns.

I understand all this because I, Julius Sharpe, am bald.

Thats right. I was once exactly where you are: I had just graduated college with a 2.3 average, I owned a Kia Rio (finished in Ice Wine, S trim), and I was about to seek my fame and fortune in Delaware. Then, my hair went bye-bye and it seemed like my life was going to be over before it had really gotten started.

But now, Ive completed my own courageous journey through baldness, so I can teach you how bald men can be successful in work, play, love, and even fantasy sports! Hairless and broke at thirty, Ive successfully navigated hair loss to become the rarest thing in Hollywood: a middle-aged Jewish writer. I went from losing my hair to living in a 1,500-square-foot house in a part of Los Angeles that hasnt burned down yet. I own two (!) bicycles. I have a job where there are free peanuts in the kitchen, and I have almost $7,000 saved toward retirement.

If you had told me any of this was possible when I started going bald, I would have laughed in your face. Then, if no one was around, I would have kicked you really hard, then shoved you down a flight of stairs. Then, panicked over what I had just done, I would have cleaned up all the blood, rolled you in a carpet, and buried your rugbody in a perfect murder ravine Ive made a mental note of several times while driving back from Las Vegas. Then, I would have put a crossword puzzle in the local paper with clues to taunt the cops.

But its true, your life isnt overnot if you recalibrate your expectations, swallow a dose of humility, and change your approach in the bedroom, the boardroom, and even the bathroom. Ill walk you through new tactics for dating, conversation, grooming, and health. These techniques have been honed for centuries, lovingly handed down to me by generations of bald shamans and medicine men, and now Im selling them to you.

By following my simple advice, you can achieve success, especially if youre living in Alabama or the Philippines, where housing is very cheap! Youre going to have to read, which is harder than watching TV, but by the end youll feel something you havent felt for a long time: hope.

Whether youre eighteen and just noticed your first hair in the drain, or youre a hundred and eight and someone put this book in your hands several hours ago then left, theres no one better than me to help you. For starters, I recently passed my Hairquator, the date past which youve been bald for longer than youve had hair. Its been so long, Ive forgotten what its even like to have hair. Its been so long,