advance praise for The Unravelling
Donna Besel is one of the bravest and most honest writers I know. The high quality of her prose provides the reader with safe entry to what is a harrowing but essential read. We owe her much gratitude for having the courage to write it. Gerard Beirne , author of In a Time of Drought and Hunger
In The Unravelling , Donna Besel tells an important story with an unsentimental, fearless voice, of a family riven as much by the original crime as by the slow-turning wheels of justice. Denise Chong , author of The Concubines Children
After a childhood of abuse and years of suffering its aftermath, author Donna Besel courageously sets out to free herself and her family members from the suffocating denial and the lies that threaten to crush them all. While family ties are strained beyond endurance, and delays in the twisted court system protect the perpetrator and torture the victims, Besel keeps fighting, wisely draws strength from her love of her children, her friends, and the natural world, and survives to tell this harrowing, heart-breaking story of terrible losses and a lonely, valiant quest for justice in an unjust world. Catherine Hunter , author of After Light
With courage and conviction, Donna Besel details the crushing personal, familial, and social effects of justice denied when she and some of her siblings decide, as adults, to confront and expose their father as an abuser. Both conscientious record and cris de coeur, The Unravelling speaks powerfully for all victims of sexual abuse. In its honest acknowledgement of pain, it also offers pathways to healing and hope. Susan Olding , author of Big Reader
Donna Besels battle for acknowledgment of the evils that infected her childhood is illumined in The Unravelling by the sheer strength of her lucid, straightforward, voice. Besel carries us along an eye-opening journey, one of healing and remarkable endurance. Harriet Richards , author of Waiting for the Piano Tuner to Die
A shattering story and an essential one, told with consummate honesty and courage. Joan Thomas , author of Five Wives
2021 Donna Besel
All rights reserved. No part of this work covered by the copyrights hereon may be reproduced or used in any form or by any meansgraphic, electronic, or mechanicalwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. Any request for photocopying, recording, taping or placement in information storage and retrieval systems of any sort shall be directed in writing to Access Copyright.
Printed and bound in Canada at LImprimerie Gauvin. The text of this book is printed on 100% post-consumer recycled paper with earth-friendly vegetable-based inks.
Cover and text design: Duncan Noel Campbell
Copy editor: Marionne Cronin Proofreader: Caley Clements
Cover photo: Family circa 1955 by kuco / Adobe Stock
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Title: The unravelling : incest and the destruction of a family / Donna Besel.
Names: Besel, Donna, author.
Series : Regina collection.
Description : Series statement: The Regina collection
Identifiers: Canadiana (print) 20210233826 | Canadiana (ebook) 20210235640 | ISBN 9780889778436 (softcover) | ISBN 9780889778443 ( PDF ) | ISBN 9780889778450 ( EPUB )
Subjects : LCSH : Besel, Donna. | LCSH : Besel, DonnaFamily. | LCSH : Incest victimsCanadaBiography. | LCSH : Adult child sexual abuse victimsCanadaBiography. | LCSH : Trials (Incest)Canada. | LCGFT : Autobiographies.
Classification: LCC HV6570.9.C3 B47 2021 | DDC 362.76092 dc23
University of Regina, Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada, S4S 0A2 tel: (306) 585-4758 fax: (306) 585-4699 web: www.uofrpress.ca
0 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
We acknowledge the support of the Canada Council for the Arts for our publishing program. We acknowledge the financial support of the Government of Canada. / Nous reconnaissons lappui financier du gouvernement du Canada. This publication was made possible with support from Creative Saskatchewans Book Publishing Production Grant Program.
In memory of my mother, Violet England.
She stayed, but left us far too soon.
Warning :
This book deals with sexual and physical abuse, incest, and emotional trauma and may be disturbing for some readers.
Contents
Confusion, indecision, fear, these are my weapons.
The one means that wins the easiest victory over reason: terror and force.
Adolf Hitler
Prologue
Call me Incested.
I earned that name. I struggled long and hard to be able to say those words.
I cannot speak for husbands, children, sisters, brothers, cousins, wives, ancestors, friends, or any of the hundreds involved; I speak only for myself. I tell this story from my vantage point, my version of vision, my fractured reality.
Shes lying. Shes always been crazy and angry. What in hell is she trying to do?
To that I saythis is my story. I earned it. I will call myself Incested.
Disclosures
August 15, 1992
This story begins, strangely enough, with a wedding.
As is often the case with incest, it had gone on for years, but the unravelling began when my family gathered for my younger sisters marriage. Even before the bride began to plan the nuptials, family members muttered, mumbled, and tried to think happier thoughts. We knew it needed to come out. I liked to call it the constipated memory syndrome.
Three months before the wedding, my brother David had decided to have his daughter christened. He suggested, since we might all be in the same city, we could gather to discuss incest. The time had come. Furtive and terrified, we freakedwe couldnt do this nowwe had a wedding to plan. Besides, what would the grooms mother think?
On the previous Christmas, the avalanche had already started. When my brother Robin dropped by for a visit, we had this strained conversation.
Well, Shannon finally left home. He was still doing it to her. Did you know?
Im not surprised. He did it to me for a long time.
He did it to you? How come you never told me?
You never asked. I hoped he had stopped. We are so dumb.
Who else?
Who knows?
What happens now? What can we do?
Its gonna be shitty, no matter what.
And then I felt a sinking feeling, like flunking a test, blowing an interview, only one hundred thousand times worse.
Lets wait and see. Maybe it will work out. Maybe we wont have to do anything.
But we had come to a ledge, whether we wanted to or not.
And then... we stepped off the cliff. Notice I say We. I am mindful of pronouns, in writing and in speaking. Some of my siblings shared the same thoughts, fears, inklings of disaster. I wasnt on that precipice by myself.
First, some relevant numbers: my family of origin consisted of ten children, five sons and five daughters. I am sixth in birth order. We were raised in poverty, in a rural setting, in a small bush community called West Hawk Lake. My birth mother died of brain cancer at forty-eight, two years after her last child, Tom, was born. I was fourteen. My father remarried just as I turned eighteen, in my final year of high school. After a few years, my stepmother, Joan, adopted a daughter, Shannon, four years old.
