Gareth P. Jones - The Daily Joker: A Belly-Wobbling Joke for Every Day of the Year

Contents

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To my mum, who has a weakness for terrible puns and has never eaten a mushroom without making a joke about not having mush-room for anything else.

G. P. J.

To my mum, who makes me laugh (and always in a good way).

R. D.

Welcome to The Daily Joker! This is a joke book with a difference because you hold in your hands a guarantee that you will laugh all year round.

More than that, this book will actually teach you how to be funny! If you think you are already funny, well help you become EVEN FUNNIER. If you dont think you are funny, this book will prove you wrong.

We promise to provide you with a high-calibre joke to tell every single day, and a weekly joke challenge to help you develop your comedic skills.

Well answer such questions as: why did the chicken cross the road? Who is knock-knocking at the door? When is a door not a door? And, why dont cannibals eat clowns?

By the end of the year, youll have learned how to write and tell jokes, how to make pithy comments and how to have your audience in stitches. No comedy stone will remain unturned.

All we ask in return is a pledge that you promise to find the funny side of life, and laugh, no matter what. If you think you are up to this challenge, please place your hands on your funny bones (thats one on each elbow) and read this JOKERS PLEDGE in a loud, clear voice in front of at least one witness.

With hand on heart I promise to try

Each day of every year

To make the people around me laugh

And grin from ear to ear.

With hand on heart I promise to make

Them giggle and guffaw,

Chuckle and snort and hoot and howl

Til theyre rolling on the floor.

With hand on heart I promise I will

Do my very funny best.

And until Ive laughed my guts up

I shall never, ever rest.

Please keep The Daily Joker somewhere safe. Maybe you can keep it on a shelf. That would make it a shelf-help book. Or in a sock drawer, since youll be laughing yours off. Or inside your pillow. You know, just in case.

Wherever you keep it, youll need to open it every day to read your daily joke. Maybe youre a morning person, in which case you can read it first thing. Or maybe you want to save it for the end of the day.

But we guarantee that if you read one joke a day and complete one challenge a week, this will be your FUNNIEST YEAR EVER!

January is a funny old month. Last Christmas is done and dusted. Next Christmas is a million years away. Its cold, the mornings are dark, and school is looming like a big looming thing with classrooms. Maybe you have a New Years resolution, such as giving up chocolate, sweets or weeing in the bath. Maybe youve promised to eat more broccoli or be nicer to your sister. Whatever youve promised, you now have a new New Years resolution: to be funny! So dont forget to share these daily jokes with your friends, family anyone who will listen.

What do you get if you kneel on a Mars Bar?

Chocolate brown-knees.

Why was the robot so grumpy?

He woke up too oily.

Why shouldnt you think about what you had for breakfast when youre on a rollercoaster?

Look, just trust me.

Its best not to bring it up.

Its World Braille Day. Braille had a bumpy beginning. It started off as a way for soldiers to communicate in the dark but then Louis Braille (who was blind himself) got hold of it and developed it. Apparently, he had a feeling it would work.

So heres your Braille joke.

Have you heard about this new kind of car, which can be safely driven by blind people and operated using Braille?

At the moment its still a bit touch and go.

Why doesnt Doctor Who like jam?

Because its jam,

and Who doesnt like jam!

Why did the tailors fall in love?

Because they were so well suited.

How do you threaten a diary?

Say its days are numbered.

Todays joke plays with the double meaning of the phrase your days are numbered. Your challenge is to make up your own joke using a phrase that has another meaning or one that can be twisted to mean something else. How about one of these?

Its not rocket science (rocket is also a kind of salad leaf)

Pull yourself together (try taking that literally)

Thatll cost an arm and leg (as Frankenstein said when asked to make a monster).

If youre struggling to think of a phrase, ask someone you know, or just listen until someone uses one in everyday conversation.

Comedy Tip Try to avoid using any words from the phrase in the set-up line. That way the punchline will come as a bigger surprise so will be funnier.

Whats a dentists favourite dance?

Flossing.

Why do hairdressers often fall out?

Because theyre so snippy.