Johnny Sharpe - New Adult Joke Book

The restaurant was packed full with diners when all of a sudden, there was a terrible commotion and a woman began to choke on a piece of food. Quick as a flash, a man ran forward, grabbed the woman and put her face-down on the floor. Then he pulled down her knickers and licked her bottom. Immediately, the woman coughed up the piece of food and stood up fully recovered. As the man walked back to his table, his companion looked at him in astonishment. Bloody hell, Ive never seen anything like that before! he exclaimed. Thats called the Hindlick manoeuvre, the man replied.

The foreman was just wondering why one of his men was so late getting back from making a delivery, when the phone rang.

Sorry boss, said the man. I had a bit of an accident on the way back, I hit a pig.

Well, just put it on the side of the road and well pick it up later.

But boss, its not dead. It just keeps squealing.

Okay, get the rifle from the back of the truck and put it out of its misery. Then throw it in the ditch until later.

Five minutes went by and the phone rang again.

Boss, its me. Im still here.

Why? Did you do as I said?

Yeah, I shot it and put it in the ditch, but his motorbike is still stuck under the truck!

For the third time that week, Ben had been late home from work and his wife was sick and tired of reheating his food.

Next time this happens, she threatened, your dinner will be in the bin and the bed will be made up in the spare room.

Dont worry darling, he promised, nothing will stop me from getting home on time tonight.

True to his word, Ben left work 10 minutes early to make sure he caught the train but alas, as he was crossing the road, a double-decker bus swerved around the corner and knocked him to the ground. Fortunately, he only had cuts and bruises but he was taken to hospital for a check up and eventually arrived home three hours late.

So much for promises! yelled the wife. Youve done it this time.

It wasnt my fault! I got hit by a bus! replied Ben.

Oh yeah! she replied scornfully, and that took three hours, did it?

A man dressed in pyjamas went up to the hotel reception and asked for the key to room 402.

Im sorry, sir, the rooms taken, came the reply.

I know it is, replied the man impatiently, its mine. I just fell out of the window!

A man drove too fast down a country lane, skidded on some black ice and ended up in a ditch. Fortunately, a farmer appeared moments later, leading a big black horse. When he saw the mans predicament, he offered to help.

If we tie a rope around the car, I think old Black Bess here will be able to help get it out.

So they tied the rope from the horse to the car and the farmer shouted,

Come on Starlight, pull as hard as you can! but the horse didnt move.

Then the farmer shouted,

Come on Silky, one, two, three. Pull!

But still the horse didnt move. So for a third time the farmer yelled,

OK, Dobbin, pull now.

Nothing happened. Then he called,

Go on Black Bess, my beauty, pull hard.

This time, the horse took the strain and slowly pulled the car out of the ditch. The motorist was very grateful but also a little puzzled.

Dont mind me asking, he said, but why did you call the horse by all those different names?

Well, its like this, explained the farmer. Old Black Bess is blind and if she thought she was the only one pulling, shed never have bothered trying.

The window cleaner missed his footing and plunged ten feet to the ground where he lay nursing a broken ankle.

Quick! shouted a passerby, get this man a glass of water while I call an ambulance.

Oi, mate, groaned the window cleaner, how far do I have to fall to get a shot of whisky?

A hapless reporter was looking for something to write about when he came across a road accident. A large crowd of people had gathered round the incident and there was no way he could get to see what had happened. Then he had an idea.

Let me through, let me through! he called, pushing people out of the way. Im the victims son.

Eventually he got to the front to find a dead donkey lying on the ground in front of the truck.

Is that Belles Florist? said the man on the end of the phone, angrily.

Yes, it is, came the reply. How may I help you?

Now listen here. Im just celebrating the launch of my new company and I get a wreath delivered saying Rest in Peace. Have you any idea what a bad impression that can make?

Well that is bad! said the florist, but its not as bad as the impression that your Congratulations on Your New Location bouquet will make at that funeral.