James Dargan - Almost the Best Pun and Joke Book Ever

ALMOST THE GREATEST PUN AND JOKE BOOK EVER

Copyright 2014 by James Dargan

Published by Danny Boy Books

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof

may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever

without the express written permission of the publisher

except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Twitter: @JimDargan

Facebook: Danny Boy Books

Wordpress: jamesdargan.wordpress.com

- T hey say soccer's the beautiful game. In that case why are Franck Ribery and Carlos Tevez playing?

- I know why every decent, law-abiding male citizen in the world has a penis: they'd all be cunts if they didn't.

- What do you call a Rastafarian biker? Bob Harley.

- In a recent survey, 79% of Poles living in Chicago regarded themselves as lamp posts.

- I've always wanted to be Rich. I've never liked my own name.

- Two Colombian firefighters have been arrested at Miami airport with a consignment of smoke.

- Breaking News: Dracula has bought a major stake in Nike. Reluctant at first, his advisors said to him: Just Do It!

- I was at the cinema the other day, sitting next to three undertakers. I couldn't watch the film in peace because they kept coffin.

- Don't go to the town of Pyle, Wales. I did, all the way from Scotland. By plane, train and automobile - what a pain in the arse that was.

- What do you say to an unwelcome and drunk Russian guest in your home? Sorry, Vladimir, you Moscow now because your behaviour is unacceptable.

- A liberal politician has been shot in the head and killed with a Magnum. A friend said: we'll always remember him for his openmindedness.

- A short film clip of Hobbits trying painfully to put on shoes for the first time. Warning: This is unpleasant footage.

- Press release: A guided tour in Mainz, Germany, connected to the life of Johannes Gutenberg, has been cancelled due to a lack of bookings.

- I slept with my brain ten years ago. It's something I'll never forget and no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to get out of my head.

- A 90-year-old lumberjack who has just joined The Chippendales, replied when asked about the change in profession: I'm just branching out.

- What Christian first name is well-built, muscular, fit, toned, chiselled, has stamina, a six-pack, huge biceps, and sweats a lot? Jim.

- An Australian male ghost, who accidentally killed his wife when the boomerang he was throwing hit her in the face, says the event comes back to haunt him every night.

- 2x3=8.

- Pakistani man: What are you eating? English man: Pork. Would you like to try? Pakistani man: No, I Khan, it's against my religion.

- A woman claims Rolf Harris is the father of her baby son, Drew. Before she knew the sex, people asked her: have you guessed what it is yet?

- Paul McCartney had a gig to stop the tropical depression hitting the British coast. His first tune to the storm was Hey Jude (Don't Take it Bad).

- A fruit exporter was detained at JFK airport for going bananas at the flight crew when they wouldn't allow him to use his Blackberry.

- Mr Pennington, the host of ' Extreme Makeover, Home Edition' , said he would be interested in creating a new show to Ty in with the present one.

- Interesting fact: Did you know that Edward John Noble was teased at school because he didn't know his ABC?

- The most well-read science fiction character in history is Book Rogers.

- After Demi Moore & Patrick Swayze's sexy scene making the clay pot in the movie Ghost , the director of photography was fired.

- A redneck miner from West Virginia, Billy Hill, has been rescued from a collapsed mine. Suffering hypothermia, he only said he felt coal.

- Nikola Tesla, when asked about his favourite pigeon, Edison, remarked: he's an indirect influence on my current scientific projects.

- Long-distance runner Stephen Kiprotich was angry after a race when a fan gave him a Snickers. Everybody knows Kiprotich prefers Marathons.

- In a letter to the Free French resistance leader in 1943, Hitler asked him why he had De Gaulle to call him a coward and a murderer.

- Women afraid of cats are pussies.

- A groundsman, suspended by Wembley stadium for smoking grass at work, says he knows sweet FA about the dealer who supplied him with the drug.

- When Agent 007 was caught dressed up as a gimp and tied to a hotel bed, Q's reported to have said: James, I didn't know you were into bondage.

- Kermit's favourite sport, apart from chasing after Miss Piggy, is croakay.

- Oscar Wilde, along wit Voltaire, is one of the greatest satirists of our age.

- A man working in a warehouse which packed soaps, body washes and bathroom smellies, was sacked after he called the management a right shower

- Peter Pan was told to grow up by a pirate radio station after he told the DJ the Jolly Roger would never land at JFK with his permission.

- A British soldier, whose lower body was blown off after a mine exploded in Iraq, was found outside a pub in Soho absolutely legless.

- Hulk Hogan has been admitted into a clinic to treat his alcohol problem. In a statement Hogan said he's been wrestling with it for years.

- When an evil spirit suffering from depression was asked about its condition, it simply replied it was difficult fighting the demons within.

- A docu-film tracing the life of artist Tony Hart has been penned in for the spring. Some say it will add colour and morph into something big

- America's most famous and greatest black comedian has died. Pryor to his death, Eddie Murphy praised him as the best stand-up of all time.

- All midgets who wear glasses suffer from shortsightedness.

- A sheep in Scotland says it wool do anything to become a dog. The sheep's wife thinks her husband's baaking mad. The sheep's best friend, Bart, can't believe his shear cheek at the thought.

- The Bank of America says it will release all its staff and replace them with dwarves. Management states it's simply downsizing.

- James Cameron, on his latest adventure trying to break the world hotair balloon altitude record, says he feels out of his depth.

- A Warsaw man was arrested before he could run off with a Jackson Polak painting. Interviewing him, the police said he was a drip to talk to.

- A florist in my town has just bought a mill. When I asked her why, she said that she's always been interested in flour.