Marilyn Anderson - Never Kiss a Frog: A Girls Guide to Creatures from the Dating Swamp

Never Kiss a Frog

S ingle women cant afford to believe in fairy tales. Frogs dont turn into princes no matter how tenderly theyre handled. Some men are adept at hiding their webbed feet while others appear oblivious to their inner slime.

Even an astute, Sex-and-the-City type of gal can be fooled. But no frog, however charming, hops scot-free across Marilyn Andersons path.

The author has dated all kinds of poseursto spare other damsels the trouble. Here, she hilariously plumbs the romantic misadventures of herself and friends for the early but easily overlooked signs that a plausible Mr. Right is Mr. Wrong.

Ms. Anderson presents her brilliant dissections in dozens of instructive, rip-roaringly funny stories. She incisively reveals Frogzilla, the Horny Toad and the Godfrogger, among many others, as a public service, so that you, charming lady, can get on with finding your true prince.

Dont get the author wrong. She loves menall kinds of men. She loves them enough to invite them to join the laughter.

Humorist Marilyn Anderson is a TV and film writer, living in L.A. She is a media expert on romance gone askew, and was the Dating Coach on Exreme Makeover.

Copyright 2003 Marilyn Anderson

ISBN: 978-1-9331765-5-0

LOC: 2002110142

Published by Red Rock Press

New York, New York

U.S.A.

Cover and book design by

Kathleen Herlihy-Paoli,

Inkstone Design.

Cover art: Adapted from a photo by

R.D. Rubic of a mural in Manhattan

Bistro, New York, N.Y.

Interior illustrations by

Marilyn Anderson

Acknowledgments

T here are lots of people to thank, including my friends, my family and my frogs. First and foremost, I thank Dennis Lanning for his never-ending inspiration and encouragement, advice and wisdom. And for his wonderful sense of humor, which kept me smiling even when I was in Frog Hell. If ever there was a prince, its Dennis! Thanks also to Cliff Carle for graciously editing my manuscript. Luckily, I have a lot of fabulous funny friends, who gave fabulous froggy feedback: Dan Beckerman, Sydney Blake, Marvin Braverman, Ira Heffler, Mark Miller and Richard Rossner. Then there are my friends who listened to me talk about frogs incessantlyover and overand they still laughed. And others who egged me on: Wendy Kram, Steve Forest, Karin McKevoy, Felice Peres and Ralph Phillips. Thanks also to David Samson and Susan Schaefer for their knowledge and friendship. Special thanks go to my wonderful parents, Jules and Lenore. Last but not least: Thanks to the frogs! Sure, I may have revealed some of your dark secrets, but dont worryall names and identifying details have been changed to protect the slimy.

Love to you all,

Marilyn "Frogerella" Anderson

Once Upon a Lily Pad

S omeday my prince will come. What a romantic thought! And like millions of little girls, I grew up believing it. Why? Simple, I loved fairytalesespecially the ones where the girl marries the handsome prince. He would slay fiery dragons, fight ruthless witches and outwit despicable relatives just to find the woman he loved. And make her his princess!

I yearned for the day it would happen to me. The only problem was it didnt. I waited and waited. My damn prince didnt show!

Then I realized that times had changed. I didnt have to wait for my prince. I could go out and search for him.

What messed me up then was that silly fairytale, The Frog Prince. Thats the one where a princess sees a frog in the road. He tells her that an evil witch cast a spell on him and, if she kisses him, hell turn into a prince. At first the princess doesnt believe him. Shes no fool. But finally she plants one on his slimy green lips. And voil! He transforms into an absolute hunk of royalty. They fall in love, get married and live happily ever after!

Kiss a frog and hell turn into a prince. Right! Sure! Who would come up with such a preposterous concept?

Actually, it came from German folklore. But the original storyteller mustve been a guyobviously some poor ugly schnook, i.e., frogwho wanted to get women to kiss him, i.e., to sleep with him. Who knew hed be affecting women all over the world for centuries?

God knows he affected me. Hey, I was impressionable. So I went after those frogs. I kissed, I puckered and I smooched. But guess what? No princes appeared. I was heartsick. My friends tried to perk me up. After all, they said, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

Then one day, the realization hit meits simply not true! Frogs DO NOT turn into princes. Which is not to say they dont turn into anything. To the contrary, after a night of leapfrog, they frequently turned into rats, snakes or just plain turkeys.

Which is why I wrote this book: To warn women to STAY AWAY from frogs!

Thats right: Do not waste your precious time (or lips) on a frog. Get rid of him as soon as you detect the first sign of slime or a snippet of ribbet. And tell all your friends: You cant find a prince if youre busy kissing frogs!

The following pages feature an assortment of frogs so that you can easily recognize them and make quick, wart-free getaways.

And what makes me an authority? Ive been single forever. Ive dated the rich and the homeless, the tall and the pygmy, the tan and the albino. Ive met frogs on beach towels and ski lifts, in supermarkets and meat markets. Ive met them on park benches, bench-pressing and one who was pressing his pants. Once, my hairdressers gynecologist gave my number to a man on a passing gurney! Oh yeah, Ive had blind dates and bland dates. The only date I havent had is a wedding date.

Now, Id like to prevent you from making my mistakes. So please start turning the pages, and remember: Never Kiss a Frog!

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