Cody Underwood - Discombobulated

DISCOMBOBULATED - Dispatches from the Wrong Side
by Simon A. Morrison

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Simon A. Morrison

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Headpress 2010

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Discombobulated

Dispatches from the
Wrong Side
Simon A. Morrison

checking into ibizas infamous hotel; talking to tony pike; wearing another mans speedos to recreate the video to whams club tropicana

Im in the business of stories. Im kind of a dealer in narrative I hear stories and I pass them on at street level maybe cut some, maybe stamped some, but as pure as I can make em. Same with these Dispatches. I swear on Satans toenails I wish half the things I write about hadnt happened to me, just as I wish I could tell the whole story; because these Dispatches are like icebergs, with ten per cent above the surface and ninety per cent of the real rancid indulgence lying underneath.

Clubland is an amazing environment for characters, for storytellers and their mad stories. Fuck Jackanory some of the best stories Ive ever heard have been back in someones hotel room on a postclub-mash-up-meltdown, passing the baton of storytelling as you pass the joint, trying to make new pals laugh with tales of ever more ridiculous daring do, revealing the scars and bumps and bruises you wear as badges of honour from the Disco Wars.

And this kind of segueways with all the mellifluous grace of a DJs mix into the last Dispatch when I was out in Ibiza with the first ever Antipodean holiday to the Rock. With barely the chance to wash my smalls I found myself back on the island, this time trying to avoid work. I was attending my best mates stag/hen combined do. And it was like some plot from a wrong sitcom because wait for it: I am his best man, I used to go out with both bridesmaids, and sure as love eggs is love eggs on about the third day one of them bridesmaids exploded and threatened me with my own shoes. And you should NEVER threaten a man with his own shoes. As is usual in these situations I ran away and took recourse in stories, and those of possibly the first Antipodean on the island, the pseudo-Australian Tony Pike, from Pikes Hotel, one of the most fabulous places to lay ones head this planet has to offer.

Where strangers take you by the hand, and welcome you to wonderland / From beneath their panamas

Tony Pike has got some stories. If youre ever lucky enough to be at Pikes Hotel, offer to buy him a drink, try to manoeuvre him into conversation, sit back and prepare to be enthralled. Take your pick owning the island of Eoini in Papua New Guinea (long before the Future Sound of London laid claim to the place); interfering with more females (many famous) than is polite; owning a marina in the south of France; sailing around the world; building the hotel that bears his very own name with his very own hands; welcoming just about every pop star and DJ worth their ego through the doors. The reason why famous people like it here, is that no one intrudes on your privacy, he detailed when I last sat down with him, in a gravely growl that makes his stories so enduring. It doesnt matter who they are, how much money theyve got or whether theyre black or white or famous or not famous they just come here and relax.

Castaways and lovers meet, then kiss in Tropicanas heat / Watch waves break on the bay

Weve always had famous people coming here. Last year Grace Jones phoned up. She hadnt been here for well, I cant remember how many years since Grace was here. She said she wanted to come for ten days. I said, Grace, I cant even put you up for one day. She said, Pike, youre a cunt. Grace always had such a way with words.

And all that when, according to rumours, Pike and Mrs Jones had a thing go ing on. Kylie Minogue wanted to stay ten days but
Pikes

Pike could only find her room at the inn for one night. And you know what, she went and stayed there, for that one night. But its not all about being starfucky and fawning to the celebs that litter the island of Ibiza like fancy glitter dropped from the stars. You can be a star and not shine: Geri Halliwell is the opposite shes a snob. She thinks shes a star but shes not. Kylie is a star, same as Grace.

Soft white sands, a blue lagoon, cocktail time, a summers tune / A whole nights holiday

And then of course there was the video that put Pikes on the map. It was Wham! that kicked it off in 82 when they shot Club Tropicana, says Tony, who appeared in the video as Gringo, the be-tached barman serving drinks to George and Andrew and Pepsi and Shirley, still amused at the memory of Andrew Ridgeley doing a bunk without paying his bill. Wham! may not mean much to teenage trainee DJs, but it was a turning point for Pikes, and made the hotel a must do for the planets glamour glitterati.

A couple of years ago I figured (through another fog of inebria tion) that it would be a laugh to recreate that video for a magazine I was editing on the island. I have absolutely no idea what inspired this idea, just as I have no idea how I was persuaded to climb into someone elses lime green speedos and play George Michael it just seemed like a good idea at the time. Pike was generous enough to resurrect his role as Gringo, we reconstructed key moments from the video and I havent laughed so much since Sol Campbell signed for Arsenal. Kookily, a remix of Club Tropicana has returned to haunt the islands dancefloors once again this summer.

With everyone from Spandau Ballet to Carl Cox using the place as a base on the island, you have to wonder who Pikes favourite guest might be? Freddie Mercury, he replied, before the question is even finished. He was the best guy I ever met in my life. I dont care whether he was gay, or what he was, he was just a wonderful person.

Ofcourse everyone has now swapped guitars for decks, exchanged Freddies big fat slug of a tasche for the ubiquitous cropped hair and goatees of clubland. So if you want starfucky, get on this I was at Pikes with Paul Van Dyk when he was putting the finishing touches to a track on his laptop. It appeared on his last album as Pikes. Yup, DJs are the new rock stars and just like the old guard they all want to lay their weary heads at Tonys. But Pike, as always, is ready to have them sign their names in at reception, whoever they are.

I couldnt understand the DJ thing at first, he explained. But now I know a lot of them personally, get involved and talk to them, I realise that theyre wonderful people and theyve got a lot of skill and knowledge of the music industry. This place was a great favourite of Frederick Goulders*. I remember he asked me one day, Is that Sven Vth over there? I said yes. He said, Oh Id love to meet him and I said, Frederick, you want to meet Sven Vth? He replied, Yes, music has no barriers, Id like to meet him and talk to him. So I went over and I said to him, the old guy over there is Frederick Goulder and hed like to meet you. So I get the two of them together and they got on famously. Frederick changed his whole idea of music he was still stuck with playing Mozart but he also went into disco. Poor old bugger, he was never the same after that.