Botham Ian - Absolutely foxed

First published in Great Britain by Simon & Schuster UK Ltd, 2016
A CBS COMPANY

Copyright 2016 by Graeme Fowler

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ISBN: 978-1-4711-4229-1
Ebook ISBN: 978-1-4711-4233-8

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For
Sarah Louise
Katherine Elizabeth
Georgina Ruby
Alexa-Rae Evie

Without their love, support and humour I would be lost.

I love you and am proud of you.

M y first night out with Graeme Fowler, the man we all call Foxy, came after the Ashes touring party of 1982-83 was announced. During the evening, as you do, I got him in a headlock, the idea being to persuade him to drink a glass of whisky all quite natural at the time, an everyday part of an evening out but I couldnt change his mind. He still doesnt like whisky, and Im still trying to get him to drink it now.

I mention this because it shows a determination. As a player, Foxy was one of the gutsiest I ever encountered. When he went out to the middle, he always showed bottle and fight. We, as an England dressing room, always loved having him at the top of the order. We knew he was going to give his all. Never did you question his commitment to the cause. But his wasnt a game built solely on grit. Foxy was incredibly skilful, too. You only have to look at the double century he made in Madras to know he was a really good player. I was at the other end when he made a century against the West Indies at Lords, too. As a batsman, you dont get to three figures against that kind of attack unless you know what youre doing.

In his last two Tests, Foxy scored 201 and 69, and then he didnt play again for England. How that happened, Im not quite sure. He should undoubtedly have played more Test cricket than he did. He had many more good years in him, and it was Englands loss that at Test level we didnt see them.

Alongside his skill came his personality. You need all sorts to make a dressing room, it is vital to have a balance, and Foxy was an integral part of that. He made a dressing room tick. His humour and wit were legendary and hes still got that now at least he thinks he has! Not only that but, like me, he knew you have to switch off. When you step off the field, you cant take the game with you. If you do, it starts affecting those around you as well. Foxy was one of those, and we understood each other from that point of view.

We also shared a similarity in that if he felt something was unnecessary or unjust, hed say so. As he was coming up through the system, if he saw something he disagreed with or felt was unfair, hed stand his ground, and I respected him for that.

Over the years, we have remained close. We still live near to one another, and we always enjoy catching up for what we call our board meetings. We click, not just as former players, but as people. Foxy is as good a friend as I have ever made in the game. Hes useful to have around when it comes to talking about the games we played, because I dont remember any of it!

We were together for the latter end of our careers at Durham CCC and you could see the way he was going to go. He always had time for the young players and I wasnt surprised when he went down the route of coaching. What he achieved in setting up and running the centre of excellence at Durham University, a system expanded across the country, was incredible. He is directly responsible for a large number of very good players making it into first-class cricket and beyond. The coaching system he put in place produced amazing results, and its a great loss to the game in this country that it no longer exists. I cant understand quite why anyone would feel the need to change something that had so much success. Its something I, and a lot of other people, cant work out.

In recent years, Foxy has been affected by depression. When I first found out, I didnt know how to take it. I dont claim to understand about depression, I dont understand the problems people have mentally, everyones different in different ways, but I wanted him to know he has a friend if ever he needs one. These days hes got his issues under control, but he knows hes got that cushion there people who care about him and hopefully that in itself is some kind of help.

The fact he is no longer coaching doesnt mean the end for Foxy. Hes not in the wilderness. He is a man with an immense amount of knowledge and I am sure he will put it to good use. The game of cricket owes a lot to Graeme Fowler. It needs people like him. There are many good years in him yet. You cant keep a man like Foxy out the game for long.

I am lying in a tent in my back garden. It is late the early hours in fact and the family are all inside asleep. I find that particular escape elusive. Its why Im here, outside. Its where I spend the nights, May to September, each year. Tonight, I lie with my head by the opening. It means I can look up and see the stars. Wonderful. And then a light rain starts falling. It feels beautiful, absolute paradise. And it is in this state, I consider my life.

I was 47. Im very lucky: I have a good constitution, Im hardly ever ill, rarely get colds, dont have headaches, its impossible for me to throw up. But every winter I get a cough, and this particular winter I couldnt get rid of it. I went to the doctors, had four sets of antibiotics, steroids, and it was still there. It was that bad Id have coughing fits and wake everybody up. So I slept downstairs, so I didnt disturb my wife Sarah and the kids.

I remember it clearly. One day I was sitting on the settee, and Sarah was standing next to me: You need to go back to the doctors, she told me.

Im still on antibiotics.

No, not for that.

Well, what for?

Youre depressed.

What?

Graeme, she said, you havent spoken to any of us for weeks.

It was true. I just hadnt realised it unlike my daughter, Georgina. Dad, she said, you just sit in the conservatory with your Land Rover magazine and its the same magazine.

At no point was I aware that this was what Id become, and that this was the space I was in. I hadnt noticed that Id stopped talking, stopped communicating. I hadnt realised Id lost interest in everything. And that really is how it was. Nothing mattered, I didnt care about anything family, my life, nothing. And when I thought about it, I realised I didnt really want to be alive. Everything was hopeless, pointless, worthless.