Valerie Foster - Dancing with a Demon

Dancing with aDemon

Valerie Foster

with

Jenna Warnecke

The old shall berenewed,

and the new shall be madeholy.

Rabbi Avraham YitzhakKook

Copyright 2017 ValerieFoster. All rights reserved.

This ebook may not bere-sold or given away. No part of thisbook may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or anyinformation storage or retrieval system, except for brief passagesin connection with a critical review, without permission in writingfrom the publisher:

Albion-Andalus,Inc.

P. O. Box 19852

Boulder, CO80308

www.albionandalus.com

Design and layout bySamantha Krezinski

Cover design by SariWisenthal-Shore

Artwork by JennaWarnecke

Photos courtesy of TomFoster.

ISBN: 9781370315758

Praise for Dancing with a Demon ...

A moving story about a teenager who gotwrapped up in the emotional struggles of depression, anorexia anda life that moved too fast, and a mother who loved her daughterenough to let go and live. Together, their personal stories,journals and love letters navigate the reader through theirstruggle to understand the mental health treatment system, findemotional support, feel better and live life with gusto aftersurviving the consequences of an eating disorder. A mustread!

Priscilla Wade,Ph.D., Psychologist

Such a compelling journey of a motherslove and a daughters recovery! This book will impact anyone wholoves someone struggling with an eating disorder. Theres nothinglike hearing anothers story to help you know youre not the onlyone who feels like the only one.

Bethany GinnWaldrop, LCSW, Eating Disorder Specialist

Parents and loved ones of those with aneating disorder can find much information, hope and understandingin Ms. Fosters book, but above all, they can find that theyare not alone. Ms. Foster details her anguish through Jennassudden sickness, her weight loss, her hospitalizations ...From questioning oneself, to negotiating treatments, tofeeling helpless, to realizing the importance of self-care,Ms. Foster handled the challenges with exquisite love anddedication to her daughter. Her book is going to be a valuableresource for parents and loved ones of people with eatingdisorders.

Erla Leon, Ph.D.Assistant Clinical Director, Shoreline Center for EatingDisorder Treatment Satori House

A unique story of mother and daughterstruggling through the ravages of anorexia nervosa. From theircombined journals, the engaging narrative provides an intimateunderstanding of the dynamics of a difficult social andpsychological problem. Readers will gain considerable insight.Having practiced in Phoenix for twenty years treating eatingdisorders, I can highly recommend this book.

Dr. GregoryArcher, Psychologist and author of Private Heller and the Bantam Boys

To Jenna-Marie

and to the mothers who know

Making the decision tohave a child...

is to decide forever to have yourheart

go walking around outside your body.

ElizabethStone

At the bottom of theabyss comes the voice

of salvation. The black moment is themoment

when the real message of transformation isgoing

to come. At the darkest comes thelight.

Joseph Campbell

T able of Contents

Prologue

A writer writes to two peoplethe one who says,Oh, so thats how it is, and the one who says, Ah yes,thats how it is.

I am afraid to remember; I am more afraidto forget. I am afraid to flippantly reminisce much later out ofa soft complacencyafraid that if I forget the demon, it willquietly creep up and strike again. And so I write.

My daughter at seventeen years and sevenmonths was a petite five feet, four inches tall, with chestnutbrown hair, large brown eyes, long dark eyelashes, andcreamy fair skin. She was in the eleventh grade, had a largecircle of wonderful friends and a tight-knit clan of five closeones. She earned top grades, belonged to the drama club, waslearning how to swing dance, and went to the Christmassemi-formal.

At seventeen and seven, Jenna wrotepoetry, massaged her moms feet at night, loved to shareFrappucinos with her parents on the deck in the evenings whilediscussing philosophy or literature, and was discovering coffeehouses.

Jenna spent every other weekend with her dadand was his fishing queen. She dearly loved her new stepdad andwhat he brought to her mothers life and the familys. Icouldnt imagine a better stepdad, she would often say. Asfeminine filling between two brothers, she learned much fromeach, got annoyed by each, and wouldnt trade either for theworld. From Nathan, nineteen, she was learning about whatcollege was really like. With Greg, thirteen, she had found akindred spirit in a love of filmmaking.

At seventeen and seven, Jenna had hadlessons in swimming, dancing, and playing the violin. She wasin choir, on her schools swim team, and wrote in her journal.She went to church regularly and never squandered money, didntdrink, smoke, or do drugs. In her young life, Jenna hadalready traveled to New York City, Las Vegas, San Diego, LosAngeles, Colorado, the Grand Canyon, and Mexico.

By seventeen and seven, Jenna had a styleall her own and was growing out her bangs. I never needed todictate the clothes she wore because she always showed good sense,and we two actually enjoyed trips to the mall together. Shedidnt fall for the latest mad diets, wasnt boy-crazy, and wasdefinitely not a trend or status-seeker.

Jenna and I enjoyed a close bond; she toldme of her first kiss, discussed boys, philosophy, love, andlife.

At seventeen years and seven months, mydaughter was mature, sensible, creative, adventurous,independent, dynamic, poetic, cheerful, smart, lovely,and loving.

At seventeen years and eight months, Jennastopped eating.

Jennas Journal

My hands once contained

my life.

They held the key

to all I held

sacred.

They closed tightly

into a fist

around my talent,

my heart,

my life.

I thought theyd hold it all forever.

But one day

for a reason

Ill never understand

they

let

go.

And I fell apart.

Chapter One

One Hundred, Twenty-NinePounds

S hhhh, quiet. Be very quiet, for a powerful, evilmonster just slid into our home, and we mustnt let him find us.Be quiet and still, and maybe he will go away,unsatisfied.

Mom, can Carrie andRenee and I stop at the house after school while you guys arehaving the final walk-through? They want to see the house and Icant wait to show them! My daughters eyes twinkled withadolescent expectancy.

Sure, hon. Well bethere about three oclock, just when you get out ofschool.

Maybe thats when he slipped in. With therealtor, or the detail crew, or the movers, or us. Maybe hewas built into the house somehow, or lay beneath the surface ofthe earth itself, waiting.

Our recently-blended family was on its wayto settling into our new dynamics. Finally. Although myhusband, Tom, and I had been married for eighteen months,this was the first point where our family of five was to livetogether under the same roof. Ours had been an unconventionalmerger, but then, unconventional has always described thismagical relationship.

Six years earlier, as a divorced mother ofthree, I had found myself drawn to a most remarkable man. Tomand I were colleagues and friends teaching at the same highschool, and after I transferred to a new school and watched mythirteen-year marriage dissolve, he and I began to date.

Stay away from him,Valerie. He is an eternal bachelor. Hes never been married,never even lived with anyone, and he runs from commitment.Theres no way hell take on three kids, either. Such werethe words of my well-intentioned friends.