Arran Lomas - Stick a Flag in It: 1,000 Years of Bizarre History from Britain and Beyond

With special thanks to Timothy Regeer and
Peter Wallin for their generous support
as patrons of this book

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I REMEMBER SWINGING in my rigid plastic chair in the back row of secondary school history class, only an inch countering the inertia of my body weight from careering my cranium into the brick wall behind me. Smashing my head into a brick wall was not too far off what I wanted to do while the anorak of a history teacher droned on about some bloke called William from a place called Normandy apparently, he was really important. But I was not alone among my classmates in wishing William had given up his invasion after experiencing English weather for a day and buggered off back to Norman-land, wherever that was. Then perhaps we wouldnt have to waste a long afternoon learning about him and this silly thing called feudalism, and I could get back to trading Pokmon cards behind the bike shed, where braver kids than I smoked and snogged.

Then I grew up, and something changed. Im still unable to put my finger on precisely what it was; perhaps it was the crumbling abbeys submerged among rolling green pastures, maybe it was the imposingly beautiful Gothic cathedrals. As I left my youth behind, I began to wonder, who built that and why? What were they in search of and why does it now lie in partial ruin? The more I asked questions, the more I discovered a country with endless untold secrets. To the shock and awe of my thirteen-year-old self, I began to visit museums and archaeological sites, I began to read history books, and before long, I fell in love. I fell in love with Britain, its people, its customs, even its weather. But most of all, I was seduced by its history.

I felt as though I had won the lottery. To be born in a country where I could experience, first-hand, the culture of the people who had transformed the world, who had ruled over a mighty empire and given the world a universal language which I am fortunate enough to speak. I knew I had to share it, because the more I learnt about the history of my people, the more I discovered its really bloody weird. The British have always been a bit special. Not in a superior way, more in a socially and somewhat mentally challenged way. The British are eccentric not-rights, and I love them for it as it turns out, they always have been. There are tales I have uncovered about this country that are too breathtakingly bonkers to keep locked away in a dusty history book. I want to bring these oddities to life. And along the way, I will attempt to share with you my passion for this island in the North Sea.

You have arrived here for one of two reasons: either a part of you is inexplicably drawn to the majesty of English history and its effect on the world, or you saunter into bookshops blindfolded and whisk a selection of random items into your basket. If its the latter, then Im truly sorry you ended up with this, but either way, thank you for coming on this journey with me; I sincerely hope you enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed telling it.

Despite our national enthusiasm for history, it has become fashionable among a self-righteous sub-section of British society to hate themselves. Really, there are people who actually wake up every morning and think to themselves: Do you know what I hate? Me. I hate that Im English, I hate England and all it stands for. What God-awful creatures we are. Ive met many myself; theyre bloody intolerable. But fear not; being interested in, or even proud of, British history does not make you a rabid slave and murder enthusiast. Slavery and stealing things from other people have been an intrinsic part of every nations history and the British didnt have a stronger propensity for those things than any other race they were just a damn sight better at it. Theres a big difference.

Slavery and slaughtering savages are a heinous, but relatively small part of the history of these isles. On balance, the British have given the world so much good, so much to be proud of. I am in no doubt that the people of this realm, over the past millennia, have been a positive and progressive force in the history of modern humanity. The matchless poetry of Chaucer and Shakespeare burst out from the taverns and playhouses of Albion to capture the imagination of the world. The British gave the world free press, free trade, industry, English common law, Western liberty and a rulebook which dictates precisely how men in little white shorts should stand in a field to kick around a piece of dead cow.

This book is a jocular history of British and, in many ways, world history. But mostly it is my personal celebration of Britain. It is a celebration of the incredible timeline of bizarre events that has delivered humanity to where it is today. And those who wish to forget the history of the British people or attempt to erase it from the public consciousness really should sell themselves into serfdom and spend the remainder of their days growing parsnips and defecating in the ground.

And on that cheery note, I think its about time we begin.

1066, WEVE ALL HEARD THAT DATE . British readers will be acutely aware of this date thanks to a long-running television advertisement by an insurance company, which morphed the frustratingly unforgettable 0800 00 1066 into somewhat of an unofficial national jingle. Unfortunately, this book is not sponsored by Hastings Direct; other insurers are available. Now, with that out the way, I think its time we talk about some actual history.