Kevin Fauteux - Defusing Angry People: Practical Tools for Handling Bullying, Threats, and Violence

Practical Tools for Handling Bullying,
Threats and Violence

By Kevin Fauteux, Ph.D., MSW, M.Div.

New Horizon Press
Far Hills, NJ

References:

American Psychological Association. Controlling anger before it controls you. American Psychological Association. http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx.

Copyright 2011 by Kevin Fauteux

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form whatsoever, including electronic, mechanical or any information storage or retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted in the 1976 Copyright Act or in writing from the publisher.

Requests for permission should be addressed to:
New Horizon Press
P.O. Box 669
Far Hills, NJ 07931

Fauteux, Kevin
Defusing Angry People:
Practical Tools for Handling Bullying, Threats and Violence

Cover design: Robert Aulicino
Interior design: Susan M. Sanderson

Library of Congress Control Number: 2010928593

ISBN-13 (eBook): 978-0-88282-399-7
New Horizon Press

Manufactured in the U.S.A.

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AUTHORS NOTE

The information contained herein is offered for general education purposes only and is not meant to be a substitute for professional evaluation and therapy. Any of the treatments or methods described to manage or control anger should be discussed with a licensed health care/mental health practitioner. The author and publisher assume no responsibility for any adverse outcomes which derive from the use of any of these treatments in a program of self-care or under the care of a licensed practitioner. Any application of the recommendations set forth in this book is at the readers discretion and sole risk.

This book is based on both first-person research and client interviews. In order to protect privacy, fictitious names and identities have been given to all individuals in this book and otherwise identifying characteristics have been altered. For the purpose of simplifying usage, the pronouns his/her and s/he are often used interchangeably.

CONTENTS

W e have all encountered angry people and each of us has, at times, felt angry. But today, anger seems to have become a more pervasive and sometimes violent presence in our lives. The daily aggravations and annoyances that frustrate people seem to anger and even enrage them more frequently than ever before. Minor traffic accidents lead to physical altercations while serious incidentsteenagers attacking and sometimes killing teachers, parents assaulting one another at childrens sporting events, high school students bullying other teenagers on the Internet resulting in suicide and enraged employees going ballisticare growing in frequency.

Todd, a store clerk, asked me why after twenty years without incident he had unsatisfied customers threaten him three times in the past twelve months. Steven, a practicing psychotherapist for fifteen years, wanted to know why more clients were resorting to violence and told me of having to hide beneath his desk from a shotgun-wielding client. Jenny, a mother, questioned whether her sons recent tendency to erupt in rage over seemingly insignificant situations was typical of adolescence or if she should be concerned her son might be doing drugs. Roger, an acquaintance, wanted to know how he should respond to a mean boss. Sue, an emergency room nurse, related to me how she was accustomed to having to manage the occasional difficult patient, but lately she had been having too many days when she went home exhausted after incidences of being spat on and viciously cursed out. Karen, a friend, asked if she should leave her partner of ten years, because he was becoming more verbally abusive and she was afraid it might escalate into physical abuse. Kelly, a teacher, wondered why there were more bullies in her classrooms and what she could do about it.

Unfortunately, I do not have the answer as to why there seems to be more anger and violence in our society. One reason may be, according to the American Psychological Association, that our society views anger as negative and while people are taught how to handle other emotions, they are not taught how to deal with anger constructively. After twenty years of clinical work with hostile individuals and contentious couples, with backstabbing family members and dangerous felons, with jonesing addicts and aggressive co-workers, with bullies and normally peaceful people who inexplicably go ballistic, I have insights and practical tools to offer youthe teacher, social worker, receptionist, therapist, store clerk, doctor, nurse, parent, spouse or partneron how to manage people in your professional or personal life who become angry and sometimes violent.

Some years ago I noticed a client menacingly staring at his social worker and when I intervened, the client suddenly struck me. I was simply trying to calm the situation and was not prepared for his physical response. I could not have predicted it, just as a local soccer coach could not have known that one of his players parents was going to punch him and just as the victims of violence at Columbine High School could not have anticipated the terrible moment that was to disrupt and, for some, shatter their lives. But if we cannot precisely predict occurrences of rage or violence then all the more reason we should be prepared as best we can to manage them when they happen.

Reflecting on the incident of the belligerent client who struck me fifteen years ago, I wish I had, at the time, possessed the de-escalation skills to have identified his anger signs and a potential assault and the tools to have intervened accordingly. In these pages I will present the insights and techniques I have developed over the past fifteen years to defuse an angry person, to calm an agitated client, to talk down someone who is hostile or threatening and, when all else fails, to defend oneself when experiencing acts of violence.

Tom was late for his doctor appointment and became frustrated when the receptionist, Bonnie, told him the physician was no longer available. When he explained that he relied on public transportation and it was not his fault that the city bus broke down, the receptionist said it was not her fault either, to which he replied that she was a bitch who did not care that he would be without his medication. Bonnie told Tom not to use offensive language, which resulted in his making a veiled threat of what happens when he does not take his medicine.

Toms anger began as frustration when the doctor was not there. Frustration is probably the most prominent cause of arousing anger. We feel frustrated and angry when, like Tom, we are denied something or in some way feel disrespected. Clients or customers become angry, because one more person in their day is telling them what to do or not to do.They get enough demands and frustrations from their jobs and relationships and now someone else is telling them they cannot get what they need. Tom became angry when denied his medication and that anger escalated into hostility. Ultimately, as we shall see, Toms anger turned into violence when the receptionist was seemingly insensitive to his needs.