Terry Deary - France (Horrible Histories Special)

C ONTENTS

Introduction

Some people in history have been revolting. They revolt against anything. They revolt against their rulers, they revolt against paying taxes, they revolt against paying too much for food.

You must know how those rebels feel you probably revolt against eating Brussels sprouts, or too much homework, or washing your dads car for 20p.

Theres nothing wrong with a good revolt. Sometimes its the only way to change things. If it hadnt been for rebels you might not be reading this book you might be a slave in some rich persons house, working 23 hours a day and paid in mouse droppings. (Or, if youre really lucky, something a bit more filling like rat droppings.)

But some countries seem to have been better at revolutions than others. Take France. They probably had the best revolution of all time. In 1789 they had a revolution that got rid of kings and lords in a big way. It was real

How did the French get to be so good at revolting? Simple. They got lots and lots of practice. Through the years they had peasant revolts, religious revolts and student revolts princes revolted against their fathers and lords against their kings.

And the French didnt mess about when they revolted. There was no going up to a lord and saying

No. The French tortured, burned, executed, cut, gouged, hacked and sliced their way through dozens of revolutions. They all failed, of course, until in 1789 the people finally got it right and got rid of their king soon after.

Then they changed their minds and decided they liked kings after all for a while.

And when they werent rebelling they were eating weird food, being killed or cured by dreadful doctors, fighting against the English (their favourite foe), or fighting each other in deadly duels. The French could be foul, but you could never accuse them of being boring.

The history of the revolting French is pretty horrible, of course. Horrible history, in fact. But no one has ever put all these horrible French facts into one book. Until now, that is. Read on

Deadly Dark Ages

In the Dark Ages France was the land of the Franks. A tough bunch of people who came from the north of Europe and booted everybody else out even the Romans. Heres roughly how they did it

AD 200s The Franks are a group of people living by the Baltic Sea which is a bit chilly in a place called Pomerania which is a bit of a silly name. They move south and settle on the River Rhine, outside the Roman Empire.

This is the first we hear of a Frankish leader Genobaud when the Romans beat him in battle. Those fearsome Franks will be back

300s The Franks cross the Rhine and spread into part of the Roman Empire in an area called Gaul now northern France and western Germany. The western Franks will become French and the Eastern Franks German.

A Frank, Silvanus, becomes emperor of Rome for 28 days. Then he sets off for church and is hacked to pieces by his enemies.

The Franks, led by Marcomeres and Sunno, cross the frontier to attack the Romans in Gaul. The Franks then pretend to run away the rotten Romans follow them into a trap. The Romans are massacred but Sunno is killed. By his own men, the Franks. Franks a lot, mates.

Roman Emperor Romulus Augustulus is overthrown and the Romans become too weak to rule Gaul. The Franks simply rule themselves with their own kings. Of course just because these kings are all Franks doesnt mean theyll live happily ever together. Oh, no. They will squabble for hundreds of years to be top poodle.

Crafty but cruel Clovis rules in Gaul. He wipes out the Franks back in Germany, then begins to wipe out his own family. He complains he is lonely and invites his surviving relatives to join him. They say no. Wonder why?

Clovis dies and France is split between his four sons. They are called the Merovingian kings.

Arabs raid southern France. Frank hero, Charles Martel, leads a lot of peasants to a great victory. Charless family, the Carolingian kings, replace the Merovingian kings.

Carolingian king Charlemagne rescues the Pope from his enemies. His reward is to be made Emperor of France, Germany and Northern Italy. Some power. (In 1254 the Germans will call this ruler Holy Roman Emperor.)

The fearless Franks come up against a new enemy the Vikings. But the Viking King Godfred is assassinated so France is spared for a while. Charlemagne dies in 814 and the Franks arent so strong now watch out!

A huge Viking army attacks Paris defenders pour boiling oil, wax and tar on the Viking noddles. Ouch. After a years siege the French pay the Vikings to go away. So, of course, theyll be back.

Robert the rebel has nicked the throne from King Charles of France. This year Charles kills him and nicks it back. What a Charley.

Cruel Clovis

Clovis was a cruel and crafty Frankish king. If someone upset him he didnt lose his cool. He waited and plotted then struck viciously. The story of Clovis and the stroppy soldier is a good example.

Chopper Charlemagne

French King Charlemagne was a great warrior and he made the people he clobbered, like the Saxons, follow the Christian religion even if he had to kill them to do it! In 788 he had 4,500 Saxon prisoners beheaded in one day. The French choppers must have been exhausted. (Charlemagne fought the Saxons for 33 years and started a French fashion for l-o-n-g wars.)