Terry Deary - England

There was no such place as England till the Angles invaded around 1,600 years ago and made it Angle-land or England. In fact the place probably didnt even have a name except Home to the first people to arrive there.

So, before we come to the history of England we need a quick history-of-the-place-that-would-later-become-England.

Early timeline

500,000 BC Almost-human apes walk into England when its still joined to Europe. These old apes have since been called Homo erectus by scientists. They (the ape-men, not the scientists) hunt hippos and mammoths and use sharp sticks as spears. They can still be seen in schools where they are called history teachers.

225,000 BC Smarter apes called Neanderthals move in and by 130,000 BC are killing giant elephants and hippos in the area we now call the Thames. But

34,000 BC Really really clever humans called Homo sapiens come along and the old Neanderthals have had it. But

16,000 BC An ice age drives out even the clever humans who unfortunately arent clever enough to invent double glazing and central heating for their caves.

10,000 BC Its warm again and those clever humans are back. By around

6500 BC the ice has melted and the sea has risen. Britains an island. Poor Europe is cut off!

2800 BC Stone-age humans start work on Stonehenge monument. Its either a temple for sun worship or a set of giants cricket stumps. Who knows?

2750 BC The Beaker People who bury their dead together with pottery drinking cups or beakers arrive from Germany and start settling. No one stops them. (Not to be confused with Adolf Hitler who tried to arrive from there about 4,700 years later.)

750 BC The cut-throat Celts are coming. Its a popular place and it could get more crowded than Blackpool beach on a sunny summer Sunday. But dont worry. The Celts will soon be pushed out to Wales, Cornwall, Scotland and Ireland.

300 BC The Celtic La Tene people are sacrificing humans to their gods. But being English they do it in a very sporting way they smash your skull before they finish you off.

55 BC Roman Julius Caesar lands. He came, he saw he went back home to Rome.

54 BC Caesars back. But its too much trouble to conquer the Britons in the south of England. So he leaves again.

AD Emperor Claudius arrives and the cut-throat Celts are driven north and west. This time the rotten Romans want to stay in the south and east.

AD The Britons in England revolt. They are led by Queen Boudica. She burns down the temple for god Claudius and massacres every helpless Roman she can find. But the Romans win through in the end. Boudica poisons herself (maybe).

AD Romans STILL in England. Emperor Hadrian even builds a wall all the way across the middle of Britain to keep the Scots out two million tons and 140 km of rock and soil to keep out the killer Celts in kilts. (Note: In the twenty-first century it no longer works.)